OFR vs Hollywood No.2

Title: Licence to Licence to Kill

Hollywood Formula Pitch: (Office Space - Idiocracy) x The Living Daylights

Synopsis: Touching yet adrenaline-charged story of the quiet, unassuming British Intelligence operative Hugo Jobsworth, who alone amongst the Queen’s men is entrusted with stamping and signing those "licences to kill" that all those smug double-0 bastards seem to think get passed out like Cheetos. Day after day he sits quietly seething as Bond chats up the women in the department, in direct contravention of Civil Service regulations, and plots grabbing revenge by revoking the martini-slinging pretty-boy’s parking privileges. But once 007 shoots a Russian oligarch, and is thrown in a Siberian gulag because someone failed to fill out the relevant forms in triplicate, only one man can save him.

How will Bond cope with a situation too bureaucratic for him to bonk his way out of? Is Hugo man enough to swallow his pride and reach for the carbon paper? And will he insist on finishing his lunch break first?

Money shot: Watching Bond's furrowed Neanderthal brow attempt to wrestle with photocopying his own P2-G742 form.

Tagline: Killing is easy. Paperwork is murder.

Lost Watch

Episode 9 : Solitary

Right, apologies for the stupid long gap, I'll try and pick the pace back up. But anyway here we go.

This week we are all about Sayid and open on him sitting and feelin' blue on his walkabout. But pretty quikcly he finds a cable buried on the beach and it's not long before the crack former Republican Guard is hanging upside down in the jungle with a mysterious figure stalking him!

He wakes up in hut with a multilingual crazy purpose repeating asking "Wo ist Alex?" or "Where is Alex" for the less European inclined of you. He is also tied to an electrified bed, which is probably worth mentioning.

Flashin' back we see Sayid the loyal soldier and 'communications' officer beating the heck out of a poor dissident. Things get more complex when he is asked to interrogate a young woman, who in a 'it's a small, small world' moment turns out to have gone to school with him. And to have been a big 'ol bully, but only cos she liked him you see. It seems young Sayid has had his turned by the pretty girl.

Meanwhile Hurley is building a golf course and we discover it's Delenn who's got Sayid. By which I mean a crazy French lady who fires out plot points like a Gatling gun; the others, the Black Rock, the whispering jungle, an 'it' that killed them all. It seems science teams crack easily under pressure.

Back to Iraq and Sayid helps Nadia (his girl) escape, shooting his C.O. and himself in the process. What a guy! In the present he escapes his captor, CFL (crazy French lady), after she goes hunting after the terrible smoke monster apparently. She refuses to come back to camp with him, doesn't tell him who Alex is and fesses up to killing her husband and pretty much everyone else she arrived with.

Elsewhere Hurley's golf course is a great success even bringing Sawyer out to play with the rest of the gang and Walt looks pretty handy with a knife. Oh and on his way home. Sayid hears voices in the jungle, oohhh!

So this week no actually outright lying but a lot of half-truths and vague answers and a whole pile of questions thanks to CFL, hey we don't even find out where the other side of the cable goes!

Bit of a short one this week mainly cos I watched it a few days ago and I've got a whole bunch of other stuff to remember.

Micheal Bay Presents....

Debating...'BAY STYLE'

Just wait till you get to the end when the presidential car chase starts. Obama takes an early lead before McCain pulls it back when Florida explodes sending OB's car spinning out of control and straight through the window of the Oval office. At this point a deadly kung-fu fight breaks out between the two men.

Things get really tense when the Clintons turn up toting miniguns...and then Al Gore arrives, in a tank, a transforming tank, a transforming tank that runs on biofuels.

Tonight's Viewing

Tonight OFR will once again be delving into the endlessly fascinating Gordian conspiracy of Fringe. The rest of the world might be sleeping through the nightmarish plotting of insanely powerful American corporations, but we know the truth: they're out to get us. Shadowy executives are making Faustian deals behind the scenes, and sacrificing mankind's best interests to further their own unfathomable interests. How else can we explain how J. J. Abrams could get such an insufferably dull piece of guff onto our television screens? Most terrifying terror? Most bollockifying bollocks, more like, and that doesn't even make any sense.

Oh no! Perhaps I've been infected with a government-sponsored terrorist-seized super-nano-techno-bio-metal-drug-virus, and it's destroyed my ability to type words good, and junk. How sinister...

Profile 7: Galactus

GALACTUS

Age: The span of this universe, plus change.

Eyes: The size of beachballs.

Hair: Strawberry blonde, but we didn't tell you that.

Hats: Rakish and fashionable, at least on any planet that doesn't want to get itself eaten.

Turn Ons: Consuming planets, preferably with balsamic vinegar and a side salad.

Turn Offs: Mortal interference, rebellious flunkies, gas giants (they give him wind).

Nemesis: The Fantastic Four, mainly the stretchy one who won't stop whining.
.

Luxury Items: Elemental Converter, ludicrously large golf umbrella.

Choice Of Minion: The Silver Surfer. The Kirby one, obviously, because the Moebius Silver Surfer was shit.

There are some who might say that Galactus is not truly evil, that he represents eternity within our galaxy, and that his world-consuming hunger should be viewed with rage, but with awe, and perhaps even pity.

Galactus would eat those pussies for breakfast and not even notice. This is a dude so ridiculously hard that the destruction of the last universe didn't finish him off (though it did make him a little peckish). Like him or loathe him, what the Hell does he care? He's going to drink your oceans, and swallow the moon as an aperatif.

Whilst powerful beyond belief, Galactus may find it hard to fit into Big Evil. That damned Surfer is liable to keep scheming against him, for starters. Then there's the fact that he's too big for the house and will have to stand in the garden and hope it doesn't snow. Still, at least no-one will demand that he does his share of the , in case he serves up Venus on a bed of fennel.

Save The Environment With SpaceSquid

Whilst I was lounging in boats on holiday and desperately trying to forget that any of you exist, I had the chance to observe a bewildering array of seabirds perch on rocks, or fly about a bit, or scare toddlers with their Hitchcockian flocking.

Now, obviously, seabirds are evil. Despite this, though, they are our cousins in nature (albeit horribly vicious and twisted cousins who shat on my maths book when I was in Y2 and never apologised), and as such must be protected from environmental catastrophe. It is our civil duty. Just recently the quiet little archipelago where I spent my vacation was hit by a tanker packed full of M&S merchandise. Every gannet and guillemot within a mile radius found themselves tangled up in red and white tea dresses and comfortable Y-fronts. Which did at least keep them warm, though many of the younger birds were heard complaining how unfair it was that the last Primark vessel had passed by without difficulty.

Next time, they might not be so lucky. Next time it might be one of those dirty great oil supertankers that crashes, pumping out liquid gold into the Atlantic, ruining both the birds' beautiful plumage and their nefarious plans at the same time.

This, obviously, is a tragedy. A fully-deserved and amusing tragedy. I thus present five possible methods for dealing with such crises in the future. The most popular plan will be dispatched to Gordon Brown by the end of the week.

1. Crew tankers entirely with strippers.

Pros

• Immediate influx of volunteers to engage in clean-up;
• Breasts;
• Wave of relief across country as embarrassed parents finally get to say "She might take her clothes off for complete strangers, but look how nice she scrubbed-up this razorbill".

Cons

• Sudden shortage of clear heeled slingbacks and hot pink thongs likely;
• Attempts to clean oil with tongues will leave many perverts seriously ill;
• Seabirds themselves liable to be ignored by all but the most disturbing sex-pest.

2. Include presents and other goodies inside each tanker hold, turning a clean-up operation into a lucky dip.

Pros

• Will finally allow Tonka to empty those warehouses that have been filled to bursting with Go-Bots since the mid eighties;
• Makes accidents particularly welcome at Christmas, which is exactly when tanker crews are at their most mindless pissed;
• Will appeal to the under sixteens, making it an important first step to re-legalising child slavery.

Cons

• Today's children will be unimpressed unless their prize shoots real missiles, or transforms into three different types of tank, or something;
• Daily Mail will run article insisting that hundreds of toddlers will end up burning to death;
• Hundreds of toddlers will end up burning to death.

3. Force random sea-birds to swallow diamond rings. Save the environment, maybe win some jewellery!

Pros

• Jewellery is sparkly;
• Hard-up suitors now just one filth-smeared skua away from being able to propose;
• Noel Edmunds has expressed an interest in presenting tie-in TV show.

Cons

• Diamonds are expensive. Probably cheaper for oil executives to just buy boats that don't keep crashing, and we all know how that's turned out;
• Each bird saved will then be brutally killed and searched for treasure;
• Awkward to explain to girlfriend that her new ring was gouged from the belly of a cormorant.

4. Genetically engineer flame-retardant sea-birds and just set oil slick on fire.

Pros

• Looks pretty;
• Everyone gets to sing Firestarter and think they're the first person to do it;
• Plenty of fried fish to eat. Fish aren't endangered, right?

Cons

• Difficult to positively sell fire since the Hindenburg disaster;
• Fire bad for global warming. Probably. I don't know how it works, really;
• Fire-proof seagulls liable to usurp mankind as dominant life on Earth.

5. Remove dependency upon oil by encouraging development of alternative fuel sources.

Pros

• Immediately ensures oil spills a thing of the past;
• Ends dominance of major oil companies and their governmental shills;
• Don't need to keep slapping around Middle Eastern countries.

Cons

• Will make Al Gore intolerably smug.

Profile 6 : Avon Barksdale

Avon Barksdale

Age : 38

Eyes : Brown, steely

Hair : Cropped or shaven

Body Type : Wiry

Turn-Ons : honeys, money, soldiering

Turn-Offs : POlice, Omar, East side er 'individuals'.

Nemesis : The closet thing Avon has to a nemesis is Omar Little. Little is something of a wild card in 'the game' and a constant thorn in the side of Avon's operation as he robs stash houses, terrorises the hoppers and generally looks to cause chaos as he seeks revenge for the brutal murder of a former lover by Avon. To some extent the special crimes unit of Baltimore PD also dog Avon's life but he was largely unaware of them until they came a'knocking.

Luxury Items : a beanie hat, a old pair of boxing gloves, a pager for him and his minion.

Choice of minion : Brother Mouzone. Mouzone is a terrifying individual. Smart, relentless and ruthless he is a hired killer who is very good at what he does and also enjoys a good read, rarely seen without a copy of 'The Nation' magazine.

Avon is an old fashion gangster, having fought his was to the top of Baltimore's drug scene he now finds himself having to do it all over again in our house. He's a cool character, a committed family man, not often prone to losing his temper but it can get ugly when he does. Admittedly he has no time for over complicated plans or schemes and much prefers the direct approach to his work, proper old school 'soldiering' as he would say.

As for the potential long confinement he has no worries, after all as he says "you only do two days, the day you go in and the day you come out"

It's what keeps us watching..

It's what keeps us watching, what draws us in. We may enjoy may of the films and shows we watch, many of the songs we hear. And we may think a great many of the things we come across are terrible (Battlefield Earth for example was on yesterday) but it's those moments where it all comes to together that keeps us going.

Those scenes that just seem to work so perfectly that every time we seen them we shall smile and nod appreciatively. Maybe they excite, maybe they shatter the heart, maybe they intrigue, maybe they are just plain 'cool'. Whatever it may be they provoke something more than anything else.

Every now and again Our Front Room will showcase some of the moments that have caught our eyes and ears and below is the first few offerings.

From 'The Third Man', it's perhaps the greatest reveal in cinema history and this is before Welles steals the show with the Swiss monologue. Brilliantly done and Harry's wry smile says so much more than any lines could


Not a showy one this, it's all about the performance and the dialogue nor is it one of the films grandstanding moments. What it is though is the encapsulation of both Will as a character and the film's core message to live your life.


If you don't know this then I don't know what you've being doing with your time. A perfect ending to a near perfect film. It is the confirmation of what Micheal has become and those final seconds as the door closes, Kaye knows it too.



Something from TV here and it goes to show that even if you're making a genre TV show it doesn't mean you can't do it with flair and imagination as The Sarah Conner Chronicles shows a great deal of promise which make rumours of it's imminent cancellation disappointing


I simply don't believe Gwyneth has ever looked so lovely and in a one stroke Wes Anderson ensures you completely understand the connection between the two characters


Yes, the film itself showed flashes of promise without ever really working as whole but the combination of that theme, the images and the tones of the late, great Brando still makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.


So there we go, just a few moments that keep me doing what I do. Keep your eyes out for more as there are many more to come.

Lost Watch

Episode 8 : Confidence Man

The Davidoff aftershave opening confirms pretty much straight away it's Sawyer's turn in the spotlight this week, though thankfully he does put some clothes on.

Launched into flashback real quick we have Sawyer in bed after having 'relations' (as Charlie would put it) with a woman, but he's late for a meeting and jumping up to get ready picks up a suitcase which spills money all over the place. The woman is confused, we are confused and Sawyer immediately has the air of a con man.

Back on the island and Sawyer has given Boone a beating for looking through his stash of stuff. You see Shannon has asthma and is running out of puff (literally) and Jack isn't really able to help that much seeing as his medicine stockpile appears to be mostly compromise of what remains of the plane's duty free.

Jack and then Kate both try to get Sawyer to give up Shannon's spare inhalers without success. First off it's manly chest beating with Jack (Doc Daring backs down) and then kiss and tell with Kate. Well, except there's no kiss and the tell part takes the form of a letter Sawyers keeps in his pocket. The letter is from small boy promising to find him as Sawyer's con flipped out this kid's dad who killed himself and the boy's mother. Sawyer is a bad, bad man it seems.

Flashback to Sawyer progressing his con with the happy couple, promising to triple their investment in three weeks he asks for a paltry $160,000 to make the initial investment. The wife is already in, hook line and sinker but the hubby needs convincing. So Sawyer suggests the couple hold on to the money he's kicking in as a good faith gesture. Sawyer leaves the table grinning like a redneck a moonshine still.

On island Sayid is unleashed on Sawyer in full communications office mode ("My training included getting the enemy to communicate") and a few prods with sticks under the fingernails later and Sawyer is ready to give up the info, but only to Kate.

Duly Kate agrees to pay her part and finally concedes and gives Sawyer a kiss, but it has to be said she seems to get really, really into it rather than feeling awkward about it as you might expect from her previous objections. He doesn't have them. Yep, that's right Sawyer never had the inhalers and appears to be a masochist who wants everyone to hate him, though 'Freckles' seems to be on to him about this one.

Back in the day Sawyer is ready to finish the con when a cute little kid comes wandering into the room and his face darkens. He calls off the deal, refusing to take the money and leaving as quickly as possible. It seems he isn't a bad, bad man at all (plus we've already seen some unsavoury types threatening Sawyer if he doesn't pay them back). We the audience and Kate both now realise the letter was not written to him but by him, he's a misunderstood tragic figure you see. He has become the man he's hunted for all his adult life.

Meanwhile Sun has actually helped Shannon out using eucalyptus whilst everyone else was busy playing victimise the charismatic loner, Charlie has convince Claire to come to the caves via a sweet/annoying (delete as desired) imaginary peanut butter ruse.

We close on Sawyer looking moody out on the beach by himself and Sayid going walkabout, having disgusted himself during the torture of Sawyer, he's decided to explore the coastline of the island.

Thus we learn lots about Sawyer, the only real lie this week was him lying by omission and not telling he didn't have the inhalers as well. Though the pattern is starting to develop because we still have no clue who hit Sayid and trashed the equipment.

R.Tv.O.R.F

Alright pop pickers..



From Beth Orton's Central Reservation album (a record highly recommended) 'Stolen Car' is a track full of great imagery (though sadly in it's all in the lyrics and not in the rather silly video)

This Video DJ is off to do great work for charity...

Stuff that never made it

The entertainment industry is full of things that never made it. Films forever trapped in development hell (like Indy IV, oh hang on, or Ghostbusters III...http://http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1289402/, er) or TV shows that didn't make it past the pilot stage. However today's multimedia age means that often we still get to see bits and pieces of these so we can complain that the people in charge don't what their doing. Bits and pieces like the following :





Though to be honest I'm not sure about this one. Pitched as being set during Buffy's school years it could have been a regular half hour Buffy fix but I'm not so sure if it could have worked in the long run. Still it's fun to see what might have been.

Profile 5: Evil The Cat

EVIL THE CAT

Age: Either as old as evil, or as old as cats, though they may in fact be the same thing.

Eyes: Seven times more sensitive than yours, human.

Hair: Off white and meticulously groomed.

Turn-Ons: Punishing Hench-Rat; trying to destroy the entire universe.

Turn-Offs: Temporary setbacks; people asking what comes after the obliteration of all existence.

Nemesis: An earthworm in a suit. Alright, the suit is bad-ass, but c'mon, an earthworm? Constantly hampered by a mutant puppy that periodically attempts to kill him? I thought cats were supposed to be smart.

Luxury Items: Fireball gun, catnip, tape of elevator music.

Choice Of Minion: Hench-Rat, mainly because a team of rabid lawyers would cost too much on retainer. What Hench-Rat lacks in competence, he makes up for in maintenance fees. And expendability, frankly. Plenty more rats in the dump, though they may not all be wearing suits of cybernetic cheese.

The Supreme Avatar of Destruction needs no other name. Or clothes. Though some kitty litter and a scratching post would hit the spot, thanks. Evil the Cat is so relentlessly tough and villainous that only the total destruction of all reality will do. That's not even his job; it's a goddamn hobby. Whilst you and I collect stamps or go rambling, Evil the Cat considers how best to unmake all that exists. Well, either that, or he licks at his genitals for a while. Which in itself is pretty bad-ass, when you consider the damage his teeth could do. Self-spaying might sound funny, but it's a serious business.

This is no ordinary cat. This is the Alpha cat. This is the moggy that runs from dogs purely because he remembers where he's parked his Sherman tank. This is the cat Chuck Norris would have, assuming that Chuck had turned to the dark side and come into possession of a large quantity of Whiskas Gravy Chicken. If this furious feline has a weakness, it's that even the most temporary of alliances will be difficult to forge when destroying the metaverse is your stated intent.

Also, balls of wool. This kitty is a sucker for balls of wool. Wook at him pwaying wiv it! Awwwww!

Lost Watch

Episode 7 : The Moth

You know the spoiler drill by now.

We open on a sweaty and distracted Charlie, every inch the withdrawal picture book and surely only a man deep in the throws of withdrawal would feel cold enough to wear a hooded fleece in the jungle.

A spot of Kate, Jack and Sawyer bickering and a quick bit of boar chase action later and we're thrown into the flashback. As much as I like Charlie his flashes are the worst thanks to the cliche ridden depictions of England and his band Oasis, er I mean DriveShaft clearly. Quite think were they got the inspiration from at all. First up is Charlie playing the good catholic and confession his 'relations' with young ladies.

Back on the island Sayid has a plan to track down the French signal users sticks, taped together motherboards and bottle rockets (who knew fireworks smugglers though on such a small scale!) with the help of Kate and Boone the gormless he hopes to succeed. Elsewhere Locke tells Charlie he will give him his drugs back after he asks for them three times before discussion the wonder of the moth.

Feeling put upon and somewhat a loser Charlie flips out inside an unstable cave trapping Jack inside. Why he was in it in the first place isn't massively clear. Running to help dig Boone leaves Shannon in charge of his part of Sayid's grand scheme - is that a wise choice? At the excavation site Walt is impressed as his father takes charge and shows he has skills beyond moaning and gettin' beat on.

In En-ger-land Charlie is feeling pushed aside by his brother and feels it's no longer about the music. His revelation may ave something to do with the four or five half dressed girls hanging around in his brother's dressing room. Well it's probably the band's dressing room but the drummer and guitar player are nowhere to be seen as no-one cares about them in true Oasis style. After lamenting his brother for scoring excessively with drugs and women he becomes a junkie himself.

On the island Sawyer having run to tell Kate about the cave-in is put out when she starts being narky and decides not to tell her and just tag along to help with the sticks and rockets instead. After some verbal sparring he lets slip and is left to carry out the plan. So we now have Sawyer and Shannon in charge of two third of this. Will it work?

Having dug a hole in the cave system it's decided someone will have to climb in to free Jack and everyone's favourite ex-hobbit volunteers. A second cave-in then traps in him inside with Jack who play doctor and manages to deduce Charlie is in withdrawal. What a genius that man is.

Just as all looks lost a CGI Moth (following on from the CGI bees) guided the puffy eyed Charlie and the bruised doc to the surface and the pair come walking into the cave camp looking like a pair of guilty teenagers after missing curfew.

Kate demonstrates she isn't in love with the doctor by trying to squeeze the life out of the man.

Elsewhere Sun has begun to assert herself with Jin, who is still wearing half a pair of handcuffs and Sayid's plan is a total success after Sawyer and Shannon both bring it on home. As Sayid exclaims in joy he's smacked round the back of the head with a sturdy looking branch.

Finally Charlie asks Locke for his drugs for the third time and a sad Locke hands them over only to be beaming with pride seconds later as Charlies thrown them on the fire and everyone eats heroin smoked boar for dinner.

Not a great deal of lying this week apart from Sawyer's initial omissions and the keeping of Charlie's drug habit from the innocent hearted Hurley. The big mystery of the week being who clocked Sayid?