Today's trailer is actually a game trailer, I don't know much about the gameplay as yet but this little film is well done. This is what you get if you take a little bit of Coldplay's The Scientist video, a little bit of 21 Grams and a chunk of Left 4 Dead....
Showing posts with label Joystick Jockeys. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Joystick Jockeys. Show all posts
Thursday, 17 February 2011
Monday, 13 December 2010
The Power of '3'
3 is the magic number next year in the world of gaming with three of the biggest franchises rolling out their third installments, each one looking to be truely epic saga endings.
So watch below and wait with baited breath for the return of Nathan Drake, Commander Shephard and Marcus Fenix.
Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception
Mass Effect 3
Gears of War 3
So watch below and wait with baited breath for the return of Nathan Drake, Commander Shephard and Marcus Fenix.
Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception
Mass Effect 3
Gears of War 3
Thursday, 16 September 2010
Reach for that Halo
And indeed it is epic. Yes, at it's heart it is more Halo with few significant additions or changes to the formula. But it is all carried out a grand scale to the planet spanning fall of the titular human colony to the presentation and wealth of features in the package itself.
Alongside the campaign (noticeably darker in tone previous installments) you have the ever engaging Halo multiplayer with all it's options, the Forge, the Theater (a feature that continues to impress) and Firefight.
Firefight being the mode introduced in ODST that sees you fight off successive ways of enemy forces in the quest to score as many points as possible and it really is quite compulsive. On top of this four player co-op is available for Firefight and the main campaign.
Elsewhere the game engine has been overhauled and rebuilt and is now prettier than ever and capable of vast battles over open landscapes. The Covenant AI is scarily impressive as enemies behave as if they want to survive, well apart from the deliberately suicidal ones.
Plus this time the engine stretches to some fun space battles Star Wars style as the collection of Warthogs, Banshees and bikes extends to Space Fighters and Harrier Style fighter aircraft.
If developer Bungie keep their word and indeed never return to the Halo franchise they have gone out on a high note that can proudly sit atop the Halo tree.
Alongside the campaign (noticeably darker in tone previous installments) you have the ever engaging Halo multiplayer with all it's options, the Forge, the Theater (a feature that continues to impress) and Firefight.
Firefight being the mode introduced in ODST that sees you fight off successive ways of enemy forces in the quest to score as many points as possible and it really is quite compulsive. On top of this four player co-op is available for Firefight and the main campaign.
Elsewhere the game engine has been overhauled and rebuilt and is now prettier than ever and capable of vast battles over open landscapes. The Covenant AI is scarily impressive as enemies behave as if they want to survive, well apart from the deliberately suicidal ones.
Plus this time the engine stretches to some fun space battles Star Wars style as the collection of Warthogs, Banshees and bikes extends to Space Fighters and Harrier Style fighter aircraft.
If developer Bungie keep their word and indeed never return to the Halo franchise they have gone out on a high note that can proudly sit atop the Halo tree.
Wednesday, 30 June 2010
Stephen King : The Videogame.
You are creeping through the woods, flashlight in hand frantically scanning the trees for the evil you know is lurking in the dark places beyond the shaft of safe light.
Your attention is caught by a sudden movement off to the side and your heartbeat races but as you turn it's plain to see that it was only a bird spooked as you pass by. As you reach the clearing you recognise the nearby bridge from the page of a manuscript you read only that morning. A manuscript you wrote but don't remember, but now you know what awaits you on the other side. And your blood goes cold.
But you must keep going to save the life of your wife.
This is the world of Alan Wake.
Alan Wake is a Xbox 360 game that has been in development for a number of years. It centers around the fictional thriller novelist as he takes a holiday to recharge his batteries in a small midwestern American town. However once his wife goes missing he'#s plunged into a living nightmare.
More an action adventure game than survival horror the game is an atmospheric little treat as you nervously stalk around in the woods. The key gimmick is the conflict between light and dark. The local townsfolk have been infected by a dark presence and to fend them off you must first burn off the darkness with the light of you torch before being able to finally shoot them down.
It's a simple mechanic that keeps the action of the game fun throughout it's playtime. But what really keeps you playing is the combination of sky high production values and an intriguing story that twists and turns right upto it's Twilight Zone style ending (it's no mistake the in game TVs all show episodes of a Twilight Zone knock off)
With set pieces ranging from a haunted asylum going all Poltergeist to fighting off advancing hordes from a rockband stage the game also has a sly sense of humour about itself. It's not the giant leap forward or masterpiece that the lengthy development time might have suggested but it's solid game and well worth a few hours of your time.
Recommended.
Your attention is caught by a sudden movement off to the side and your heartbeat races but as you turn it's plain to see that it was only a bird spooked as you pass by. As you reach the clearing you recognise the nearby bridge from the page of a manuscript you read only that morning. A manuscript you wrote but don't remember, but now you know what awaits you on the other side. And your blood goes cold.
But you must keep going to save the life of your wife.
This is the world of Alan Wake.
Alan Wake is a Xbox 360 game that has been in development for a number of years. It centers around the fictional thriller novelist as he takes a holiday to recharge his batteries in a small midwestern American town. However once his wife goes missing he'#s plunged into a living nightmare.
More an action adventure game than survival horror the game is an atmospheric little treat as you nervously stalk around in the woods. The key gimmick is the conflict between light and dark. The local townsfolk have been infected by a dark presence and to fend them off you must first burn off the darkness with the light of you torch before being able to finally shoot them down.
It's a simple mechanic that keeps the action of the game fun throughout it's playtime. But what really keeps you playing is the combination of sky high production values and an intriguing story that twists and turns right upto it's Twilight Zone style ending (it's no mistake the in game TVs all show episodes of a Twilight Zone knock off)
With set pieces ranging from a haunted asylum going all Poltergeist to fighting off advancing hordes from a rockband stage the game also has a sly sense of humour about itself. It's not the giant leap forward or masterpiece that the lengthy development time might have suggested but it's solid game and well worth a few hours of your time.
Recommended.
Tuesday, 20 April 2010
I'm TNT...
Something of a random one but I present a video that has cool music and represents one of my fondest gaming memories...
Tuesday, 15 December 2009
Trailer of the day: Halo : Reach
The Halo saga gets in on some of that prequel action as it takes us to the fall of Reach.
Monday, 30 November 2009
Oh so Modern
Well I'm late to the party on this one but I think it's time to talk a little about the behemoth that is Call Of Duty : Modern Warfare 2.
Now it has to be said the guys building this game have clearly spent a lot of time studying the films of Micheal Bay and Tony Scott since the game's single player campaign replicates that kind of brand of ADD wham, bang, wallop action.
It bounds breathlessly from set to set piece (snowmobile chases, helicopter crashes, fights in the White House, prison breaks, space stations!) taking little time to lay down the story or context of what is going on in.
Mind when you do think about for a second or two the story (of as far as I can tell what the story is) makes about as much sense as using a jam jar to bail out Cumbria. Seriously Bad Boys II actually makes more sense.
In amongst all of this of course is the notorious 'No Russian' airport terminal level of terrorism. Now, I can see what developers Infinity Ward are trying to achieve here in terms of illustrating the nature of terrorism but they just don't pull it off and it comes over rather crassly. And for my money goes on for far too long.
It's certainly fair to say that nothing matches the tension and artistry of the previous game's Ghillies In The Mist or Aftermath levels. The jail break of 'Gulag' comes closet to really reacreating that sense of excitment in a time place that feels vivdly real plus it is like playing through 'The Rock' complete with shower room gun fights. Those two levels in the first game made it the first video game where I genuinely didn't what to spoil those levels for other people
Don't get me wrong the game is still thrilling to play with action as fast and compelling as before but for it just lacks that something that it makes it special, its just not as a cohesive experience as the first game's campaign.
But the online play has taken a number of steps forwards with more options than ever before to customise your load out and rewards. Each match no is full of dynamic changing twists and turns with Harriers, Sentry Guns, Predator missiles, Air Drops and even Tactical Nukes unleashed in the name of besting the other team.
It is as addictive as ever, not since Counter Strike's heydey have I had so much fun running around and shooting at total strangers.
So it's a blockbuster (taking in over £48m in it's first two days on release) and is a good, good game. But it's not game of the year, not this year. The likes of Batman : Arkham Asylum, Mirror's Edge, Empire : Total War lead the way and I've only just started it but it seems Assassin's Creed II is going to be everything the first game promised it might be one day - more on that soon but check out the trailer below...
Now it has to be said the guys building this game have clearly spent a lot of time studying the films of Micheal Bay and Tony Scott since the game's single player campaign replicates that kind of brand of ADD wham, bang, wallop action.
It bounds breathlessly from set to set piece (snowmobile chases, helicopter crashes, fights in the White House, prison breaks, space stations!) taking little time to lay down the story or context of what is going on in.
Mind when you do think about for a second or two the story (of as far as I can tell what the story is) makes about as much sense as using a jam jar to bail out Cumbria. Seriously Bad Boys II actually makes more sense.
In amongst all of this of course is the notorious 'No Russian' airport terminal level of terrorism. Now, I can see what developers Infinity Ward are trying to achieve here in terms of illustrating the nature of terrorism but they just don't pull it off and it comes over rather crassly. And for my money goes on for far too long.
It's certainly fair to say that nothing matches the tension and artistry of the previous game's Ghillies In The Mist or Aftermath levels. The jail break of 'Gulag' comes closet to really reacreating that sense of excitment in a time place that feels vivdly real plus it is like playing through 'The Rock' complete with shower room gun fights. Those two levels in the first game made it the first video game where I genuinely didn't what to spoil those levels for other people
Don't get me wrong the game is still thrilling to play with action as fast and compelling as before but for it just lacks that something that it makes it special, its just not as a cohesive experience as the first game's campaign.
But the online play has taken a number of steps forwards with more options than ever before to customise your load out and rewards. Each match no is full of dynamic changing twists and turns with Harriers, Sentry Guns, Predator missiles, Air Drops and even Tactical Nukes unleashed in the name of besting the other team.
It is as addictive as ever, not since Counter Strike's heydey have I had so much fun running around and shooting at total strangers.
So it's a blockbuster (taking in over £48m in it's first two days on release) and is a good, good game. But it's not game of the year, not this year. The likes of Batman : Arkham Asylum, Mirror's Edge, Empire : Total War lead the way and I've only just started it but it seems Assassin's Creed II is going to be everything the first game promised it might be one day - more on that soon but check out the trailer below...
Friday, 25 September 2009
Straight outta' New Mombasa
Ladies and gentlemen the ODST of the UNSC truly are hardcore. The heroes at the center of Halo 3 : ODST really are top of the pile and do it all without being genetically enhanced supermen.
The game itself is essentially an expansion pack for Halo 3 and takes place in the hours before events we've already seen in the main game. On a mission into the great city of New Mombasa the squad is scattered to the winds in a heretic jump into the hot zone.
Inti ally you take control of the squad's rookie (one is every bit as stoic as Master Chief when comes to communication) as he emerges from his drop pod after being out for six hours. You travel round the city streets in what serves as a hub location for the game, looking for clues to what happened to the rest of your squad.
Upon finding a clue the player is given a flashback to what happened and the asked to play through events as each of the different troopers in turn as they fight to find each other and complete a vital mission for the way effort under the noses of an entire enemy fleet.
It's a game structure that works well as it juggles the quiet of stalking the abandoned city streets at night with the frantic action of the earlier hours. Each of the flashback mission holds at least one brilliant set piece moment, from desperately holding off an assault on a vital building to hotfooting it across a building crane hundreds of feet in the air as the covenant swoop around rocking you improvised bridge violently as you go.
The game also works a great men on mission narrative aided by the work of Nathan Fillion who voices the squad commander (a character who also holds a resemblance to the former Firefly captain) with back up from Adam Baldwin and Tricia Helfer.
The campaign is quite short but makes up for it with the variety and imagination in the mission design from the Bungie team. Added value is given with the inclusion of a new Firefight mode (essentially Halo does Horde but fun none the less) and all the content for Halo 3's online mutliplayer that has been released so far.
It's not a leap forward and as the title suggests more expansion than new game but it still leaves a lot of other FPS games in it's wake in terms of sheer entertainment value.
The game itself is essentially an expansion pack for Halo 3 and takes place in the hours before events we've already seen in the main game. On a mission into the great city of New Mombasa the squad is scattered to the winds in a heretic jump into the hot zone.
Inti ally you take control of the squad's rookie (one is every bit as stoic as Master Chief when comes to communication) as he emerges from his drop pod after being out for six hours. You travel round the city streets in what serves as a hub location for the game, looking for clues to what happened to the rest of your squad.
Upon finding a clue the player is given a flashback to what happened and the asked to play through events as each of the different troopers in turn as they fight to find each other and complete a vital mission for the way effort under the noses of an entire enemy fleet.
It's a game structure that works well as it juggles the quiet of stalking the abandoned city streets at night with the frantic action of the earlier hours. Each of the flashback mission holds at least one brilliant set piece moment, from desperately holding off an assault on a vital building to hotfooting it across a building crane hundreds of feet in the air as the covenant swoop around rocking you improvised bridge violently as you go.
The game also works a great men on mission narrative aided by the work of Nathan Fillion who voices the squad commander (a character who also holds a resemblance to the former Firefly captain) with back up from Adam Baldwin and Tricia Helfer.
The campaign is quite short but makes up for it with the variety and imagination in the mission design from the Bungie team. Added value is given with the inclusion of a new Firefight mode (essentially Halo does Horde but fun none the less) and all the content for Halo 3's online mutliplayer that has been released so far.
It's not a leap forward and as the title suggests more expansion than new game but it still leaves a lot of other FPS games in it's wake in terms of sheer entertainment value.
Master Chief? Who?
Having been playing Halo 3 : ODST I can declare that the Master Chief is a big girl's blouse of a peace loving beat-nik hippy.
More to follow.
More to follow.
Sunday, 16 November 2008
Yes, yes, I know...
..the promised updates for the Lost Watch are M.i.A, that posts in general are hitting the endangered list and the big evil seems to have gone into hibernation. But I do have important things to do you know, well..
I have to play through Far Cry 2, Gears Of War 2, Call Of Duty : World At War and fight Football Manager 2009's installation protection. So, you know, important stuff needs to be done.
I plan to be witty and urbane in blog form as soon as I get a good foot hold on the killin' people.
I have to play through Far Cry 2, Gears Of War 2, Call Of Duty : World At War and fight Football Manager 2009's installation protection. So, you know, important stuff needs to be done.
I plan to be witty and urbane in blog form as soon as I get a good foot hold on the killin' people.
Tuesday, 4 November 2008
Just goes to show...
.. that apart from the system tag on the end video game trailers are becoming more like filmtrailers with each passing day.
Monday, 3 November 2008
Why aren't I a game designer?
With it Gears Of War 2, Fable II, Call Of Duty 5 : World At War, Dead Space, Football Manager 2009, Far Cry 2 and Fallout 3 all out now or in the next two weeks it is an expensive time to be a gamer. Well a gamer with an addictive personality who constantly suffers from burning a hole in the pocket syndrome.
As such I propose to save time and money the games should be combined into one genre breaking experience; 'The Fable of Gears Of War Fallout into Dead Space causing the Football Manger to head the Call Of Duty a Far Cry from home 2025 (2+5+II+2009+2+3)'
How could a game encompassing so many of modern gaming's great ideas fail? Imagine choosing your line up to face Real Madrid in the Champions League final and picking a chainsaw wielding Marcus Fenix at left back, deploying a tactical airstrike at half time then roguishly taunting the locals at the post match press conference.
Think of the excitement of striding out across a barren post-apocalyptic landscape in search of the latest under 21 hot shot goalkeeper, fighting off nightmarish creatures from the darkest regions of outer space to get the signature on the contract before The Jackal gets there first
Seriously how could it fail?
As such I propose to save time and money the games should be combined into one genre breaking experience; 'The Fable of Gears Of War Fallout into Dead Space causing the Football Manger to head the Call Of Duty a Far Cry from home 2025 (2+5+II+2009+2+3)'
How could a game encompassing so many of modern gaming's great ideas fail? Imagine choosing your line up to face Real Madrid in the Champions League final and picking a chainsaw wielding Marcus Fenix at left back, deploying a tactical airstrike at half time then roguishly taunting the locals at the post match press conference.
Think of the excitement of striding out across a barren post-apocalyptic landscape in search of the latest under 21 hot shot goalkeeper, fighting off nightmarish creatures from the darkest regions of outer space to get the signature on the contract before The Jackal gets there first
Seriously how could it fail?
Thursday, 25 September 2008
Something Wicked This Way Comes
It seems from playing The Force Unleashed that filling a Jawa with lightening until it's about to explode and then flinging it at the nearest group of hapless Stormtroopers is not something that's likely to get old any time soon.
Yes indeed the game is full of amusing moments like this; people sucked out of windows into space (following after the deck office you used to break it in the first place), poor scavengers desperately clinging to any ledge they can grasp as you bounce them like a ball, Wookies slammed into trees until the tree falls onto them, AT-ST crushed ready to be thrown into the nearest recycling bin and that's nothing compared to what you levels you go to rearrange the faces of the Jedi you hunt down.
Then you pull a Star Destroyer out of orbit.
Now this is all good fun but it has to be said the much trumpeted storyline that bridges the two sets of films isn't all that. Now there's nothing wrong with the characters involved (the Kato like droid is a particular highlight) but rather the fact that the Emperor's dastardly plan makes no sense at all.
It also seems odd that Vader wastes the chance to overthrow his master. Why does the most powerful Jedi yet known (remember than midi-chlorian stuff?) not take the chance to take down the old man with the aid of a man who pulls Star Destroyers out of orbit for kicks? It seems a strange decision at best.
Still it's a entertaining way to pass a few hours even if it makes you wonder why someone who basically bitch-slaps Vader and the Emperor by the end is never mentioned by anyone not even a few years later. You'd think people would remember that kind of thing. Maybe pass a few pointers to Luke.
Tuesday, 12 August 2008
Blades of glory....and nonsense
New to the Front Room is Soul Calibur IV a fine exponent of the video game martial arts, blades swoop, legs sweep and heavy burly men are toppled by unfeasibly proportioned women folk (Ivy still winning the gravity defying special award here).This time around the Lizardmen are more like lizards than ever, there is a seemingly never ending single player campaign thingy, a really cool character creation tool and I'm even familiar enough with a couple of the characters to spot where moves have been tweaked, added or removed.
So far, so normal for a one-on-one fighter sequel. However where Soul Claibur often marks itself out is with it's guest characters. We've had the likes of Link, Spawn and Tekken's Heihachi Mishima. This time however it get's really quite bizarre. This time we have Yoda, Vader and The Apprentice taking part.
The game's excuse to combine the two fiction worlds is flimsy at best and at first it just seems a crazy idea all over. But then you see the green menace himself bouncing around the screen as he bests the mighty Astaroth and then The Apprentice blasts poor old Taki with a bolt of Force lightening and suddenly you don't care that it makes no sense at all.
Then it just becomes fun. Ok, Yoda is horrible to fight against seeing as he's small enough for a lot of attacks to fly over his wizened little head but new guy on the block for the 'Wars' as well fits right in. Yep, the only thing that marks him out is that glowing red blade that hmm and buzzes it way through the air.
Online play also features here and landing a perfect round against another human being halfway across the globe is more satisfying than you could possibly believe.
Sunday, 20 July 2008
OFR vs Ninja Gaiden
The tranquility of a Sunday afternoon in Our Front Room is suddenly shattered by a blood-curdling noise.
SS: Why can I hear the howling of killer dogs?
INP: My fault. There's something wrong with a game in which you play a hellspawn-slaughtering ninja who goes down like a dick to a few bad-tempered canines.
SS: You could try making a noise like a bee. Although that might only work with Storm.
INP: Your dog is afraid of bees?
SS: I think a lot of them are. That's why they don't like vacuums; it just sounds like a huge bumblebee.
INP: Well if normal bees scare you, giant bees must scare you much worse. That is science, my friend!
SS: I wonder how much thought the dogs put into it. Do they just think "big bee", or do they look at the hoover and freak out. "Holy shit, a giant bee encased in armour!"? A bee tank, basically. Which seems a reasonable thing for a dog to be afraid of. Hell, I'm a little afraid myself now.
INP: Hah! You who would mock the dog! Don't seem so stupid now, do they?
SS: Seriously, is our Dyson twitching?
INP: I always thought "Dyson" was a fairly good name for a megalomaniac. Clearly he has formed an alliance with the bees and is hoping to dominate the world with his arthropod Panzer Corps.
SS: You betray yourself as a bee-racist! For perhaps the bees have mobilised their tank divisions only in the defence of their homes. You can't blame them, really; what with all of their mates disappearing because of suicides or Daleks or whatever the hell it is this week.
INP: Would you mind keeping the ranting down? Only I'm trying to not get eaten by dogs.
SS: If only Bee Goering would unleash the Bee Luftwaffe and teach those pooches a lesson.
INP: Well, that's - shit! Some kind of giant-bat-demon-thing! And my face appears to be entirely visible!
SS: I think we've had this conversation before.
We sneak out quietly as our heroes collapse into a recursive loop.
SS: Why can I hear the howling of killer dogs?
INP: My fault. There's something wrong with a game in which you play a hellspawn-slaughtering ninja who goes down like a dick to a few bad-tempered canines.
SS: You could try making a noise like a bee. Although that might only work with Storm.
INP: Your dog is afraid of bees?
SS: I think a lot of them are. That's why they don't like vacuums; it just sounds like a huge bumblebee.
INP: Well if normal bees scare you, giant bees must scare you much worse. That is science, my friend!
SS: I wonder how much thought the dogs put into it. Do they just think "big bee", or do they look at the hoover and freak out. "Holy shit, a giant bee encased in armour!"? A bee tank, basically. Which seems a reasonable thing for a dog to be afraid of. Hell, I'm a little afraid myself now.
INP: Hah! You who would mock the dog! Don't seem so stupid now, do they?
SS: Seriously, is our Dyson twitching?
INP: I always thought "Dyson" was a fairly good name for a megalomaniac. Clearly he has formed an alliance with the bees and is hoping to dominate the world with his arthropod Panzer Corps.
SS: You betray yourself as a bee-racist! For perhaps the bees have mobilised their tank divisions only in the defence of their homes. You can't blame them, really; what with all of their mates disappearing because of suicides or Daleks or whatever the hell it is this week.
INP: Would you mind keeping the ranting down? Only I'm trying to not get eaten by dogs.
SS: If only Bee Goering would unleash the Bee Luftwaffe and teach those pooches a lesson.
INP: Well, that's - shit! Some kind of giant-bat-demon-thing! And my face appears to be entirely visible!
SS: I think we've had this conversation before.
We sneak out quietly as our heroes collapse into a recursive loop.
Sunday, 22 June 2008
Today outside the window..
..it's sunny Hyrule Field. Where horses roam, small elves save the world and there's a rupee under every bush. A land of opportunity indeed.Tuesday, 17 June 2008
Grand Theft Hmmmm....
Yep, GTA IV, not made me a crazed criminal nor has it taken me to the gaming nirvana the reviews seemed to indicate it would as people ran over their auntie's to slap perfect review scores onto it's box. Either that or I'm accidentally playing 'Viva Pinata : Won't Somebody Think Of The Children?'
Now did get the Room wrong here, it ain't terrible but it ain't no genie with a lamp either. It is essentially the same game it was back when it was GTA III, just as it was when it was GTA: Vice City, GTA : San Andreas, GTA : Milton Keynes, GTA : Eternia, GTA : HMP Northallerton.
It's been tarted a little bit, the vehicle physics changed (for the worse) and the on foot gunplay is now not just broken but it is dynamically the same game. Only a little less funny. Yes, the likes of Laslo are back on the air-waves with those radio phone-ins but they all seem somehow a little old and tired (and the music selection will never out-do Vice City's) and the new storyline of Niko lacks for humour, seeing as he's lived through a genocide and all.
The story shall no doubt be finished but after that this particular shiny disc of criminal instruction is going back to the store for a trade-in, so the crime can continue when they overprice it and rip off the customers, having no doubt handed over ten shiny pence to buy it back in the first place.
Now did get the Room wrong here, it ain't terrible but it ain't no genie with a lamp either. It is essentially the same game it was back when it was GTA III, just as it was when it was GTA: Vice City, GTA : San Andreas, GTA : Milton Keynes, GTA : Eternia, GTA : HMP Northallerton.
It's been tarted a little bit, the vehicle physics changed (for the worse) and the on foot gunplay is now not just broken but it is dynamically the same game. Only a little less funny. Yes, the likes of Laslo are back on the air-waves with those radio phone-ins but they all seem somehow a little old and tired (and the music selection will never out-do Vice City's) and the new storyline of Niko lacks for humour, seeing as he's lived through a genocide and all.
The story shall no doubt be finished but after that this particular shiny disc of criminal instruction is going back to the store for a trade-in, so the crime can continue when they overprice it and rip off the customers, having no doubt handed over ten shiny pence to buy it back in the first place.
Saturday, 14 June 2008
Midway Announcement: Video Games No Longer To Be Fun
Following the revelation from Midway that the hotly-anticipated (read: fan-boy wet dream) Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe will not feature the latter series' trademark fatalities, robbing gamers across the globe their God-given right to pull the bloodied spine from smugly judgmental pseudo-ninjas dressed as flying mammals, OFR considers what other video game franchises could be subtly divorced from their most vital components and thus immediately cast into the mire of middling pish.
Street Walker II
Take control of a crack-addled New York prostitute and guide her through twelve levels of increasingly complex sexual encounters in exchange for cash, beginning with a mechanical hand-job in a back alley and working up to satisfying the multiple base desires of Eliot Spitzer. Includes the special moves deep throat (forward forward punch), cow-girl (back circle punch), and divulge story to authorities (repeatedly tap kick).
Uncivilisation
Become leader of Britain at the dawn of the 21st Century, desperate to effect change, only to find that the only remaining tech upgrade is stem cell research (which you can't click on because some idiot enabled the Daily Mail civic), a military victory is impossible due to that whole Middle East thing, and that you can't up your science research because all revenue is being plowed into the luxuries of binge-drinking and Britain's Got Talent.
Tetris (Lavrentiy Beria Edition)
Re-visit the world's favourite Russian video game as it was meant to be played; against the paranoia-drenched backdrop of Stalin's Soviet Union. Plays just like the original, except that in-fighting with fellow comrades and interference from the Secret Police means none of the blocks ever vanish, dooming you to just keep piling on the pieces until your tower gets too high and you are noiselessly whisked away to a Siberian gulag for the rest of your miserable life.
Beggar Of Persia
Find yourself in the rotting shoes of a Ecbatanan leper, shuffling through the street desperately searching for loose change, and at no point receiving a magical dagger that allows you to behave like a complete idiot/twat and then reverse time (not that you'd have been able to hold it anyway with seven fingers missing, anyway). Game highlights include indulging acts of faintly implausible athletic grace as you escape deluges of rotten fruit (after which your foot falls off) and feeling a faint stir in your partially-decomposed crotch after a pretty young woman knees you in the gonads out of sheer disgust.
Grand Theft Godot
Waste hours of your life waiting for for an acquaintance you hardly know to turn up so that you can nick his car.
Street Walker II
Take control of a crack-addled New York prostitute and guide her through twelve levels of increasingly complex sexual encounters in exchange for cash, beginning with a mechanical hand-job in a back alley and working up to satisfying the multiple base desires of Eliot Spitzer. Includes the special moves deep throat (forward forward punch), cow-girl (back circle punch), and divulge story to authorities (repeatedly tap kick).
Uncivilisation
Become leader of Britain at the dawn of the 21st Century, desperate to effect change, only to find that the only remaining tech upgrade is stem cell research (which you can't click on because some idiot enabled the Daily Mail civic), a military victory is impossible due to that whole Middle East thing, and that you can't up your science research because all revenue is being plowed into the luxuries of binge-drinking and Britain's Got Talent.
Tetris (Lavrentiy Beria Edition)
Re-visit the world's favourite Russian video game as it was meant to be played; against the paranoia-drenched backdrop of Stalin's Soviet Union. Plays just like the original, except that in-fighting with fellow comrades and interference from the Secret Police means none of the blocks ever vanish, dooming you to just keep piling on the pieces until your tower gets too high and you are noiselessly whisked away to a Siberian gulag for the rest of your miserable life.
Beggar Of Persia
Find yourself in the rotting shoes of a Ecbatanan leper, shuffling through the street desperately searching for loose change, and at no point receiving a magical dagger that allows you to behave like a complete idiot/twat and then reverse time (not that you'd have been able to hold it anyway with seven fingers missing, anyway). Game highlights include indulging acts of faintly implausible athletic grace as you escape deluges of rotten fruit (after which your foot falls off) and feeling a faint stir in your partially-decomposed crotch after a pretty young woman knees you in the gonads out of sheer disgust.
Grand Theft Godot
Waste hours of your life waiting for for an acquaintance you hardly know to turn up so that you can nick his car.
Saturday, 31 May 2008
Heed The Call
"I am a soldier. I am a mean machine. This is my joypad. There are many others like it, but this one is mine."
I am starting to fear that Call Of Duty 4 is in fact using subliminal messaging to keep me playing. There has to be something going on for it still sucking the hours out of the day
Something more than just the compulsion to gun down people with an array of meticulously reproduced weaponry whilst mentally shouting "Oh-rah!" or "Jihad!" teams depending.
Something more than joy of the Russian anthem playing when you and your comrades succeeding in blowing up a collection of green boxes. Surely there is something.
Or maybe, just, maybe there is something deeply satisfying about the thought of someone in a different timezone throwing down their pad in frustration as your grenade loops through air and gently falls into their back pocket.
I am starting to fear that Call Of Duty 4 is in fact using subliminal messaging to keep me playing. There has to be something going on for it still sucking the hours out of the day
Something more than just the compulsion to gun down people with an array of meticulously reproduced weaponry whilst mentally shouting "Oh-rah!" or "Jihad!" teams depending.
Something more than joy of the Russian anthem playing when you and your comrades succeeding in blowing up a collection of green boxes. Surely there is something.
Or maybe, just, maybe there is something deeply satisfying about the thought of someone in a different timezone throwing down their pad in frustration as your grenade loops through air and gently falls into their back pocket.
Saturday, 10 May 2008
An Assassain, His Victim, His Master And Their Excuses
I've recently been playing through the interactive-media entertainment Assassin's Creed and I have a few observations.
Each time you off a target you are thrown into a thrilling roof-top chase across the city to avoid the guards whose boss you've just introduced to the after-life. Now, I say thrown into a chase what I mean is your are gently pushed.
That is because you first undertake a moral debate with the unfortunate recipient of the pointy end of your sword/dagger/knife. They will claim they were only trying to do good, they are no different from you, they are simply misunderstood - a bit like when Tony Blair left office. These discussions often drag on and leave you wishing there was a 'Smother' button but just when you are really getting a little bored of these, about halfway through the game you are thrown a curve ball. Yes, that's right, one of the targets admits he had it coming. All the others try to reason the fact they are Mother Teresa with Goebbels's PR but this guy, this guy simply states he was an utter twonk and frankly needed his limbs forcibly rearranged.
So taken aback by this I forgotten to run when he finally sprung his mortal coil. Three sharp prods from the city guard later however and I was back to my deadly ways.
Another thing I find a little bit odd is I repeatedly told that I shouldn't be killing people who have nothing to do with my mission but the Assassin brotherhood is more than happy for me to butcher my way through twenty dozen soldiers and guards (who are just doing their job) if I manager to save one lousy common thief. You begin to wonder if you are on the right side of homicidal lunatic as you stare down at the remains of the district sheriff's department as the lowlife you've just saved from a trip to prison thanks you by providing a bunch of lawless thugs to berate people in the street.
And don't get me started on my Master, he's clearly up to something I don't like the smell of. For a start his guards register a threat level when I stand next to them - I supposed to be on their side, I'm was forced to kill one of my home town's soldiers because he apparently objected to me riding a horse faster than a crippled old man can walk. I'm betting now if I was allowed just to quietly off my Master and go home it is going to save an awful lot of trouble further down the line.
But whilst I may moan the game itself is quite good run as you leap from roof to roof and give people interesting new holes in their bodies. It is one where you wished the designers had show a little more imagination in the missions involved in 'investigating' the targets but then it's probably that they were distracted by Jade Raymond. After all she is a girl and everthing.
See http://www.jade-raymond.com/bio.php for those of you who need to check what a 'girl' is
As for the future set sections, well, I just pretend those don't exist.
Each time you off a target you are thrown into a thrilling roof-top chase across the city to avoid the guards whose boss you've just introduced to the after-life. Now, I say thrown into a chase what I mean is your are gently pushed.
That is because you first undertake a moral debate with the unfortunate recipient of the pointy end of your sword/dagger/knife. They will claim they were only trying to do good, they are no different from you, they are simply misunderstood - a bit like when Tony Blair left office. These discussions often drag on and leave you wishing there was a 'Smother' button but just when you are really getting a little bored of these, about halfway through the game you are thrown a curve ball. Yes, that's right, one of the targets admits he had it coming. All the others try to reason the fact they are Mother Teresa with Goebbels's PR but this guy, this guy simply states he was an utter twonk and frankly needed his limbs forcibly rearranged.
So taken aback by this I forgotten to run when he finally sprung his mortal coil. Three sharp prods from the city guard later however and I was back to my deadly ways.
Another thing I find a little bit odd is I repeatedly told that I shouldn't be killing people who have nothing to do with my mission but the Assassin brotherhood is more than happy for me to butcher my way through twenty dozen soldiers and guards (who are just doing their job) if I manager to save one lousy common thief. You begin to wonder if you are on the right side of homicidal lunatic as you stare down at the remains of the district sheriff's department as the lowlife you've just saved from a trip to prison thanks you by providing a bunch of lawless thugs to berate people in the street.
And don't get me started on my Master, he's clearly up to something I don't like the smell of. For a start his guards register a threat level when I stand next to them - I supposed to be on their side, I'm was forced to kill one of my home town's soldiers because he apparently objected to me riding a horse faster than a crippled old man can walk. I'm betting now if I was allowed just to quietly off my Master and go home it is going to save an awful lot of trouble further down the line.
But whilst I may moan the game itself is quite good run as you leap from roof to roof and give people interesting new holes in their bodies. It is one where you wished the designers had show a little more imagination in the missions involved in 'investigating' the targets but then it's probably that they were distracted by Jade Raymond. After all she is a girl and everthing.
See http://www.jade-raymond.com/bio.php for those of you who need to check what a 'girl' is
As for the future set sections, well, I just pretend those don't exist.
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