Lost Watch

In the first of what may or may not be a regular series of posting I'm going to waffle on about the pilot of Lost. This obviously will contain spoilage for those of you who have not seen and care enough not to know what happens in it yet.

Now, Lost is a TV show I really like because it comes across like a crazy mix of character driven drama and a twilight zone story that has been plotted by crazy guy scribbling on the wall... in the dark. For some reason this mix really works on me and has kept stuck to the thing like glue.

Recently I acquired the first series on DVD as part of a notion that if I watch it all within a relatively short space of time I'll be able to keep track of some of the more esoteric parts of what the hell is going on.

Even just watching the two pilot episodes confirm that this is probably correct. What also makes it interesting is being armed with fore knowledge and thus not only feeling smug that you what is going to happen to people but also being able to spot where things are starting to be laid out. (The radio message that leads to Rousseau who leads to...)

Of course this being the pilot we are given time with what will be our main characters. Jack takes charge from the start (helping others, getting others to help others) so it's no surprise that he ends up defacto leader of the group. And it is he along with Kate that really are the main two leads in the show at this stage (the pair of them being on screen far more than any of the others) as run from monsters, climb cockpits, scale mountains and undertaken Deliverance style surgery.

Elsewhere it's something of a surprise to realises how much of tool Jin is and how timid Sun is considering how he goes on to be The Man on more than one occasion and she becomes really quite the confident one (she must learn bad habits from all those western women around her!).

Sawyer, the ladies favourite, doesn't appear for at least an hour then becomes the first person to fire a gun and begins the process of nicknaming everyone. Meanwhile Locke sits around a lot apparently still confused by the fact he can walk before having one mysterious line about telling Walt a secret.

Walt, by the way is just a whiny a child at this time and Micheal his whiny father.
There is also Shannon and Boone who'd I'd almost forgotten totally about but i suspect these two might be much more interesting second time round as I'm sure some of the back story ties up with the others but can't quite remember that.

I also forgot that Charlie used to be a junkie and his comedy partnership with Hurley has not yet begun.

Plot wise so far we have the crash (obviously), the jungle monster, random polar bears, Kate's unknown criminality, the strange repeating french signal message, no chance of rescue since no-one knows where they are and Claire is still pregnant.

I think this is going to be fun and I shall endeavour to do episode updates and hopefully witty observations as I go.

Below is a cool recap of series one to three in eight minutes for those of you who want to cheat and watch the equivalent of the CliffsNotes.

R.Tv.O.R.F

Half inching the idea from my Euro colleague, I present the first instalment of Radio Tv Our Front Room :

Michael Bay presents...

...Lewis Hamilton

In a sensational move after last weeks debacle at the Belgian Gran Prix a frustrated McClaren team are to appoint Hollywood director Michael Bay as team principle.

The new team leader has vowed to pursue the world title by all means possible, promising that no expense will be spared in the pursuit of glory. To this end Lewis Hamilton's car will now be fitted with specialist anti-Ferrari technology. Technology which will cause a lot of explosions and fireballs, pyrotechnics designed to be so impressive that all other drivers will slow to admire them and have a cheeky look to see if they can spot anything grim in the resulting accidents.

Hamilton is said to be thrilled by the team's new direction and can not wait to test out his new car which as he says "Makes KITT look like my grandmother's Skoda runaround!". Unconfirmed reports also suggest that the team will unveil a new second driver in the form of Decepticon 'Barricade' to add some 'aggression' to the team's racing style.

Stargate : SG-2, er, we mean Atlantis

What do you get when you create a spin-off from one of the world's most successful Sci-Fi shows? Well, if the starting show in question is Stargate-Sg1 turns out what you get is something of a rather bland series that occasionally has flashes of top notch story telling.

That show is Stargate : Atlantis. After five years Atlantis is to be cancelled, news that was met not with outrage and surprise but rather with shrugs and murmurs about it probably being about time.

The main problem here was that the show failed to ever really stamp a real identity of it's own, it always seemed like Sg-1's little brother always anxious for attention. In fact the template was so similar despite the differing galaxies to it's parent show that you could be forgive for not realising which one you were watching.

For example the Wraith were a similar threat to the G'ould for a long time and just as they began to really become distinct they suddenly got sidelined in favour of the uninspired machinations of a new race of Replicators. Thank goodness then for Micheal, who fulfills the role of nemesis with aplomb even if he has become saddled with a tiresome quest for a tiresome woman's baby.

The inclusion, under-use and subsequent removal of Carter highlights Atlantis shoe shuffling as it tried to strike out by itself now it's parent was feet up in repeat retirement land. Although the swap for Wosely seems promising, you can't help but feel that he two will fade into the background.

If not for the banter between McKay and Shepard it's more than likely that the show would have been cancelled a long time ago, but their constant interplay does often serve to undermine the action and drama. We never genuinely believe it they are in danger, at all.

Elsewhere Teyla is just plain dull, Dr Carson has been cruelly frozen, Dr Kellar will never now get time to really develop (tho' Miss Staite is a welcome face on the cast!), Forrest never did develop and vanished just as he threatened to get interesting and Ronan is Teal'c with a different haircut.

So with Atlantis on the way out what do we have next? We have the incoming Stargate : Universe, which from the details release sounds very much like (worryingly so in fact) Stargate does Voyager. Who thought they could come up with a concept that makes TimeGate sound like a good idea.

Fun In The Pool

Our hero and his witless foil take time out from their busy drinking schedules to hit the swimming pool for some manly exercising.

SS: I'm sick of this pool. There's never any action. Maybe we should try the new leisure centre they've opened.
C: We should have gone when it was doing that promotion and a swim was 5p.
SS: And have ourselves crushed to death by hundreds of tight-wad fatties fooling themselves that they're turning over a new leaf when really they're just disgusting me with their cellulite and their jiggling?
C: You don't want to see fat people swimming? Thank God this pool isn't mirrored.
SS: I don't want to see anyone swimming, to tell you the truth. I wouldn't bring you along if the people who ran this place would let me in unsupervised.
C: Have you considered anything as radical as just closing your eyes?
SS: I don't want to not see people. I want to see no people.
C: I don't understand the difference.
SS: Imagine my surprise.
C: What if everyone agreed to swim behind you?
SS: I also want to hear no people.
C: What if they were all ninjas?
SS: What the hell are ninjas doing in our new leisure centre?
C: We could hire them.
SS: Hire ninjas? To fill a swimming pool? That can't be economically viable, surely?
C: I guess that's a good point. Maybe pirates would be cheaper.
SS: Not really known for their stealth, though, are they? Mainly it's all raping and pillaging and "With a yo-ho-ho". It isn't really the silent death that comes in the night, y'know?
C: Yes, but if we hire pirates then ninjas will automatically gravitate towards the pool, in order to give battle to their ancient enemy.
SS: So now I'm swimming in the middle of a pitched battle between pirates and ninjas? It sounds pretty dangerous.
C: What if we kill the pirates ahead of time?
SS: So we're inviting the ninjas to come to the funeral? In the local pool?
C: Of course not. We just fill the pool with the pirates' blood. Then the ninjas will be paying us so that they can bathe in their hated foes' vital fluids.
SS: So, just to review. You want to fill a swimming pool with pirate blood, and have me swim in it, hoping that ninjas will join me in order to bathe in their enemies internal juices, but that they'll swim silently and always behind me so that I won't notice them?
C: What could possibly go wrong?
SS: Wouldn't the blood coagulate?
C: Only in the same sense that custard would.
SS: That makes no sense but I don't think I want further details. Anyway, my main problem is that having that many ninjas in one place is just an invitation for another ninja in a different coloured costume to show up and then beat the crap out of them all. You've setting me up to be an obstacle in an Eighties sideways-scrolling beat 'em up. Why would I want to take that chance?
C: No fatties?
SS: SOLD!

Our hero departs to swim a length that breaks the world record and makes all women everywhere swoon at the very mention of his name.

Profile 4 : The Sheriff of Nottingham

THE SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM

Age: Mid-forties.

Eyes: Shifty.

Hair: Greasy.

Religion: Satanism (Masquerade Ball Chapter).

Is Pleased By: Deposing kings, setting stuff on fire, a strict timetabling system for visiting hookers.

Is Vexed By: Vigilantes, large stitches, Brian Blessed.

Luxury Items: A sword, a spoon, a spork (just in case), Grabthar‘s Hammer (due to a clerical error)

Choice Of Minion: The witless yet eager-to-please Guy of Gisbourne, who might just get lucky and be murdered by someone else before the Sheriff can get round to it.

The most bad-ass pantomime villain the Twelfth Century ever produced. This guy will mess you up, and he’ll do it with any damn cutlery piece he pleases. Then, just for kicks, he’ll cancel Jesus’ birthday. Because he can. This is a man who will take on Sean Connery, for God’s sake. Admittedly, he’ll wait until Connery’s in another country first, but the guy used to be James Bond, you can’t fault Mr Of Nottingham for showing a little caution.

The Sheriff’s attention to detail and all-round wiliness may make him a formidable player in the game. His biggest weaknesses though lie in an incompetent henchman, a lack of special powers, and the possibility that he will go into an extended sulk once he realises the basement no longer contains a malignant witch, only a hoover that he will expected to use to clean the living room with on alternate Wednesdays.

Profile 3 : Agent Smith

AGENT SMITH

Age: Unknown.
Eyes: Green machine code.
Hair: Slicked back machine code style
Body Type: Lithe

Turn-Ons: Sharp suits, designer sunglasses, eliminating rogue software.

Turn-Offs: The acrid stench of humanity, hard line telephones, surfer dudes

Nemesis: Neo a.k.a 'The One' a.k.a "Dude where's my revolution?" Once a lowly software programmer now the idiot saviour of humanity. Whilst still only human he has learnt to push the boundaries of the matrix itself. He flies, fights and struts like a hero should. Ironically it was his interference that has set Smith free.

Luxury Items: Twelve pairs of Ray-bans, a broken ear piece, a portable DVD player with a copy of Multiplicity

Choice Of Minion: Agent Smith. Or rather another Agent Smith. Able to replicate himself but overwriting the code of other's Smith has chosen to copy over a poor production runner and create a second 'him' to take with him. After all the best about being him is there are so many of him.

Agent Smith is basically a virus removal programme within The Matrix, he exists to remove and delete malfunctioning programmes and remove pesky viruses from the system such as humans who have broken free of their mental prisons.

After a long pursuit of Morpheus Smith though he finally has his man only for Neo to load up with guns, lots of guns and spoil the torture party. During the confrontation Smith was exploded from the inside by the upstart Mr Anderson and found himself undergoing something of an epiphany when being reinstalled to the system. Now with new found vigour he is looking to finally show the world what he is capable of and be recognised everywhere he goes - largely by the fact that everywhere he goes everyone will be him.