Monday, 30 June 2008

Our Front Room Endorses


Right it’s about time we started marking out parts of the modern media deluge that is the very lifeblood of us here in Our Front Room (sounds like a metaphor but seriously I might enter a coma if a don’t watch at least one film a week - though the need to watch fifty hours worth of The X files in the next 30 days may make that hard this month, but I figure it should be to me as methadone is to addicts and the Squid would shrivel up and rot if not for the world wide web, strong chance the tentacly one be near the front of the line when they work out how to jack straight into your brain. Well if the front of the line is too far away, ‘cos, you know there’ sitting to be done (wow, long, long bracketed sentence there!)) as to ensure that those of you out there in the world can avoid the drivel for the shiny, shiny goodness.

Thus for the inaugural pointing and waving we have ‘Swingers’. For the easy description think Sex & The City but two years earlier, with guys and not nearly as smug as the Horse faced one’s gal pals. Essentially the story of struggling actor Mike Peters and his attempt to re-join the social scene after a break-up come break-down.

We join Mike and his buddies (most notable Vince Vaughn’s Trent Walker) as they hit the party (and girl) trail in .L.A, a town or raging absurdity if there ever was one plus a detour to Vegas. This is certainly not one for those who have to leave the room when the social embarrassment becomes too much for them, one sequence of Mike crumbling apart like the plot of Russel T Davis Dr Who script as he calls back a potential date is excruciatingly and all to believable. And all too familiar.

What we have here is a cultural document on what it is to be a guy from the bizarre patterns of male bonding to the insecurities that tear at us (though of course we would never say so, ‘cos, you know we are all too manly for that kind of behavior. It’s tremendously quotable and saves perhaps the most familiar social bear trap until it’s final moments; the excitement of the perceived attraction followed by the rush of embarrassing realization (and the accompanying wish to disappear right then and there) that they were never looking at you at all.
Go, on give it the ‘ol Rainman sweep. Vegas, baby, Vegas.

Saturday, 28 June 2008

A Terrifying Vision Of The Future

For a long time now my greatest fear has been that I will die alone. Recently however that has been overtaken by the far more terrifying fear that the people of this country will elect a giant homicidal insect as our next PM.

Too far-fetched, you say? Au contraire, mon ami! It makes perfect sense! What is the one natural resource we lack most in this country right now? If you said "bees", then take a bow (partial credit is available for those that said "titties"). The stripy ingrates are fleeing this country in droves. Oh, sure, back when they were still building up their supplies of royal jelly they were happy to stay here, collecting welfare cheques in the form of pollen, shitting out baby bees once every twenty seconds in council estate hives; but now that they've completed constructing their international honey empire, it's adios muchachos as the six-legged whiners head off for tax havens around the globe.

The bees are gone, and people are desperate to bring them back. Desperate enough to encourage bee immigration by electing a psychotic arthropod as our premier? We can't take that chance!

Already our election process itself is under threat as more and more independent observers are replaced in the night by cockroaches in lounge suits. Just last week I had to hang up during a "random" political phone survey when I distinctly heard the sound of rotting meat being softened by vomit coming from the other end of the phone line. And it won't be enough to just elect an insect; oh no. This insect will have to be tough on crime! It will have to stand up to the terrorists! It will have to slap around all those welfare-state cheats I keep reading about even though no-one you've ever met has ever seen one. And, I admit, there are other ways to do all that without using it's gargantuan mandibles to chop people in half, but that wouldn't be the insect way!

On the other hand, even a grotesquely enlargened mass murdering stag beetle would be better than Boris Johnson.

Wednesday, 25 June 2008

Metal Gear Solid 4

Now I thought long and hard about what was going to be my first post on this blog, as I wanted it to be something of at least a little substance. No actual idea why, but it seemed like a good idea at the time…

So over the last few days I have been playing Metal Gear Solid 4 – Guns of the Patriots. Playing it has been all the sweeter as I had obtained it for free after my friends TV died and he had no reason to hang onto it any longer. Now I have to say, I thought that this was going to be a good thing to blog about, simply because it gave a great opportunity to have a moan and bitch about the insanely long cut scenes in this game…

And they are insanely long. Not just a little bit long. REALLY long. The 45 minute cut scene I sat through while my mate bitched about how ludicrously long winded it was, certainly brought this sort of thing to a new level. And this wasn’t the longest cut scene in the game! The final cut scene (and I am counting from when you last have to press a button until you are finally given the end of the plot) was 1 hour 10 minutes long! I mean my God by the time you have finished the game you are talking quite literally hours (and I do mean multiple hours) of cut scenes! The highest unlockable achievement in the game requires you to complete the whole thing in under 5 hours, and while I haven’t totalled it up I firmly believe that if you sat through all the cut scenes you would probably have about 30 seconds of game time to actually, you know, do the game! For the record, I didn’t exactly slouch my way though the game and it took me seventeen and a half hours. This has taken the “cinematic” nature of video games to an entirely new level… This is the first game ever, in the history of man, that I have been grateful for the ability to actually pause a cut scene. There have been several occasions where my bladder actually could not take sitting the entire way through one.

But, and here is the big but. I did actually choose to sit through them. Yep there is the option (from the outset) to click start and select skip and you actually bypass the cut scene all together, yet I never chose to use it. Why? Well because they were actually really, rather good. The story in this game really does suck you in and quite frankly that makes the whole thing all right by me. You actually care about what happens to the characters. They actually have depth to them. This game certainly serves as a fitting end to the Metal Gear Solid Series (until of course “Metal Gear Solid 5 : The Quest for more money” is released).

The game itself is excellent, and as a technological exercise it is truly amazing. What makes the cut scenes so watchable is that they are all rendered using the same game engine as is used for the game and they link seamlessly into the action. In several cases you can actually choose to watch the cut scene unfold from the perspective of your little robot buddy allowing you to wander round the scene to your hearts content and look at it from every angle imaginable. All of is in beautifully rendered graphics courtesy of the PS3 (who is finally starting to show some of the games we have been waited for), and of course full surround sound. The graphics on a HD TV really do look amazing, and the sound is just as good. You will probably have to experience it to believe it.

The game itself is great fun. Described as tactical stealth action and that probably about sums it up. You can approach problems in multiple ways. You can sneak, you can fight, or any combination of the two. The balance is there in that you can approach the bulk of the game either from an action, run and gun type approach or a silent sneaky approach. Both are equally rewarding. Action wise, the guns feel good, the controls responsive and the bad guys sufficiently intelligent that the game has you on its toes the whole time. If you go the sneaky way, the tension can really build, crawling through narrow vents, using the very cool adaptive camouflage system to avoid detection, and of course sneaking up on enemies and dispatching them with a variety of cool close combat moves.

The set pieces are amazing. One boss battle has you pitted in a truly amazing (and innovative) sniper dual (against a massive wolf like super soldier I may add). This would have been awesome just on it’s own, but it is set in a massive snow blizzard that hampers visibility and looks amazing, while on a tactical level your having to factor in the direction of the wind in your efforts to avoid detection from the enemy sniper. All the Bosses require a bit of thought in your approach to them and there are some other moments in the game that are equally as brilliant (including a brilliant bike chase that has got to be about as close to reproducing a cinema type chase scene as has ever been managed in a video game).

So while this kind of started out as a moan, I can’t actually follow it through. The game is great, it is that simple. Some people will absolutely hate the long cut scenes and deride it because of them. Hey I came pretty close myself. For those people – Hit start press down and click on “Skip”. Yes you can do it from the beginning, and enjoy a great sneak / shoot em up game on its own merits. Everyone else, seriously, watch them. This is as close to an interactive cinema experience as you can get.

Oh and if you haven’t played the previous games (Metal Gear 1 +2, plus Metal Gear Solid 1-3) a trip to Wikipedia to brush up on the previous plot points will help you enjoy it a lot more.

Next challenge – Try and beat it in under 5 hours.

Tuesday, 24 June 2008

Today's Burning Question No. 2

If Optimus Prime has sex with a vending machine, is that the Cybertronian equivalent of beastiality?

Could this be?

Could this be one of the coolest, largest time sinks on the Internet? An entire site dedicated to movie trailers?

http://www.traileraddict.com/thefilms

As we all know, trailers are one of the modern ages greatest art forms (hey, if they can make Spawn look watchable anything is possible) and should be appreciated as much. To do this day an audible sigh is heard from your author here when he sadly realises his shiny new DVD toy doesn't include the trailer on the disc. Why do they do this do me? Why?

But while we're here let us peruse some examples of the genre ..

http://www.traileraddict.com/trailer/aqua-teen-hunger-force/trailer

It will make no sense to anyone who doesn't know the TV show and even then it makes little sense.

http://www.traileraddict.com/trailer/alien/trailer

Just plain spooky as heck.

http://www.traileraddict.com/trailer/crank/trailer

A classic example of the action picture trailer (and it even actually sells the film short, as the film also surprisingly very wry and funny)

http://www.traileraddict.com/trailer/mean-creek/trailer

A trailer in four acts and the film is pretty damn good too.

http://www.traileraddict.com/trailer/jarhead/trailer

Not that interesting at first, but then at 1.08 it kicks in and it becomes a perfect match of image and music..and some of those images are just stunning.

http://www.traileraddict.com/trailer/21-grams/trailer

Er, mainly picked as I want to bring it to people's attention. WARNING : If this film doesn't make you feel like you've been through an emotional blender than you quite possibly don't have a soul

And let's end for now and something that is just purely charming in every way...

http://www.traileraddict.com/clip/wall-e/a-days-work


(apologies for the lack of funny in the above, but I'm just too happy to have found this website)

New Balls Please

Ok, first of all how many of you read this post because the title has balls in it? C'mon now don't be shy...

Anyway as one sporting event draws to a close another starts and it's SW19 time again, or Wimbledon for the geographically backward (hint, it's in London). With 'Tiger' Tim (seriously? have you ever seen a sheepish Tiger that was resigned to defeat?) now eating the Strawberries paid for by the Beeb the remaining British hope is Andy Murray (who is Scottish the other fifty weeks of the year)

Now, Murray is a guy with more of a toughness about him than 'ol Timmy, but for Our Front Room it's hard to really warm to the lad. It's not personal, just purely an arbitrary vague dislike, as such Nadal (he of the differing bicep size - look, really, one arm is thicker than other) such be cheered on, generally because he looks like a skateboarder who ended up playing tennis by accident when someone told it was an extreme sport because the balls would explode if they bounced twice on your side.

But at the end of the day the main drawn of the tennis is the soothing rhythm of the ping-pong of the ball and that strange mind set that still tells you if you're watching the tennis you've managed to con the teacher into not trying to teach you anything for the afternoon.

Sunday, 22 June 2008

Today outside the window..

..it's sunny Hyrule Field. Where horses roam, small elves save the world and there's a rupee under every bush. A land of opportunity indeed.