The World Cup Blaggers Guide Part One; Basics and England

Right the so the world's biggest sporting event is nearly upon us (more people will watch this than the Olympics) and I'm aware that some of you out there will be left struggling to really comment and starting to feel like the uncool left in the corner. At least during the Olympics hardly anyone knows that much about what is going on.

So I bring to you a blagger's guide to the 2010 World Cup, covering the basics of what you need to know and offering a few stock phrases to keep in your conversational arsenal for the summer. So let's kick off...

The Event
Held in South Africa, the first time the competition has hit the African continent. Concerns over safety have been downplayed by official body FIFA but the alarming events at the African Cup of Nations did little to allay fears.

Topics of conversation include questioning the cost of the new stadia versus, well, housing people. Why the grounds have been built away from the Townships where football is an important part of life the heartbeat of many communities. The effects of the high altitude of a number of the grounds (will Peter Crouch's head reach the ionosphere?) and or course the unifying power of sports events and how we all remember the Rugby World Cup bringing the South African nation together in 1995.

The Format
Beginning with eight groups of four teams the first round sees each side play one game against the other in it's group with three points for a win and one for a draw. As hosts South African will kick off. (Italy are the current holders). In the event of tied teams position will be decidedly firstly by the result between the teams themselves and then if that's a draw through a series of factors and if necessary a coin toss would eventually be used to separate the two!

After that it's knockout football complete with extra time (30 mins and no golden goal nonsense) and penalties (someone will cry) all the way to the end. There is also a third/fourth playoff game with traditionally no-one really cares about.

It all starts on Friday the 11th of June and runs through until the 11th of July.

England
Ok, so the England is most likely to be the topic on which you need to be sufficiently armed, well, if you live here anyway.

Under the leadership of Fabio Capello (just call him Fabio) England are currently installed as third favourites with a lot of bookies behind Spain and Brazil (more on them later) and arguably stand a good chance this time around with a bit of luck. This no doubt means it will all fall apart in the first game against the USA.

One of a few teams where all the players are from the domestic league England's raft of Premiership players will be familiar names to many but lets take a quick look a few of them and what you can say about them (and for the 'Heat' minded amongst you their partners too).

Wayne Rooney, England's talisman forward will be the main focus point of England's attack. The balding Man Utd forward is extremely gifted at the game for a portly builder who appears to have accidental been allowed to play. The Shrek look a like has recently become a father with wife Coleen and is coming off the back of a season where his good form almost carried his club to a record breaking title win. There is concern over his fitness as he was troubled by a series of niggling injuries towards the end of the season - i.e he will probably break down within ten minutes of the tournament proper starting. And he may yet smack someone in the face as the red mist descends.

Things to say;
"He reminds of me of Gaza in his prime"
"He's got a great football brain"
"Rooney, Rooney, Roooney!"
"He's our only truly world class player"

Peter Crouch aka Crouchy. The giant stick man who looks like even less like a top flight footballer than Rooney who somehow seems to be really good at scoring at international level (tho' remember to question the quality of the opposition if this comes up) is a good bet to start alongside Wayne in attack. Famous for being tall, once doing the robot after scoring and being well, quite a nice bloke. Also has a vaguely famous ladyfriend in Abigail Clancy

Things to say;
"My god, the lad's tall"
"He's twice the height of Theo Walcott"
"He's got a good touch for a big lad"
"..unlike Emile Heskey"

Emile Heskey is very much an opinion divider. Vital partner for Rooney to play off or lumbering waste of space that never scores and has the first touch of an over enthusiastic dog? Try gauging the opinions of those around before committing to a stance on this. However it is probably safest to ridicule if in doubt.

Things to say;
"He's vitally important as he helps Rooney exploit the space he creates"
"Heskey? Really? *sigh*"

Theo Walcott exploded onto the scene a few years ago and went to the last World Cup as an unplayed squad member. Fast, very fast, very very fast he can easily terrify opposition defences but sadly his passing and crossing is variable and serves between excellent, giving the ball tamely to the opponent or excellent but sadly ten yards ahead of his knackered teammates who couldn't keep up.

Things to say:
"Well Arsene thinks he's good"
"If only he could cross a ball"
"Eventually he'll be a center forward"
"He should be used as a substitute against tiring back lines in the last third of games"

Steven Gerrard and Frank Lampard we'll cover together. Steven (Stevie G) and Frank (Frankie L) are both talismen in the midfield for their club sides, both capable of turning a game around, scoring from the middle of the park and being the engine room of their side through which everything flows. This is great, apart from when they have to play in the same side. On their day both are excellent but the pair are yet to really demonstrate they can really play well alongside each other. Inevitably when they play in the same side one of them will be asked to play a role in which there are less effective, Gerrard typically on the left or Lampard in a more defensive role.

But for some reason Enlgand managers never see this despite the rest of the country doing so, no doubt including Steven's wife Alex and Frank's current beau The One Show's Christine Bleakley

Things to say:
"They really haven't proved the can play well alongside each other"
"Why doesn't Gerrard play for the England the way he plays for Liverpool"
"Lampard's most dangerous when making late runs into the box"
"Gerrard should play in the hole behind Rooney"
"Despite his recent record Lampard is still the best choice for penalty taker"
"It was so embarrassing when McClaren called him Stevie G"

Rio Ferdinand is England's captain and for the most part a reliable full back who can play a bit, but not quite as much as he thinks he can. He runs his own magazine and once tried to be a Jeremy Beadle for a new age but thankfully recently has stuck to the football. However he has recently has trouble with his back and has only played around twenty games for Man Utd. in the season just gone. Just comment that you hope his back stays in one piece and if he makes a mess of things make a crack about his brother having been picked by mistake.

John Terry I suspect you may know all about by now. Usually a rock solid defender in the center the media whirlpool around his indiscretions have seen him be a bit wobbly on the field recently, thought lifting two trophies for Chelsea last month will hopefully have settled him down.

Things to say:
Basically anything about adultery and trying to take any woman he meets to bed.
"Terry will mop up long balls down the center all day long"

Ledley King is a freak of nature. Afflicted by an injury that swells his knee up to three times it's normal size if he trains too much he is only really able to play one game every six days. Which conveniently is the gap between England's games. The freak part comes in when you consider that he is very, very, very good at center back without really training. If Terry or Ferdinand break down, go AWOL or just lose it in someone Ledley will step in.

Things to say:
"Imagine if he could train properly"
"How does he do it?"

Ashley Cole (aka Cashley) is actually, quite possibly the best left back in the world. Seriously. He's solid defensively, has pace to recover if needed and can run up and down the wing to support the attack all day long. He even can regularly cross the ball into the area very well and will occasionally score Dennis Bergkamp like goals. Which is all just as well because it seems that he's a bit of a tool, infamous for throwing his toys out of the pram at Aresnal over the difference of being paid £50,000 a week to £55,000 (hence Cashley) and routinely doing the dirty on (the soon to be Tweedy once again) Cheryl. On the other flank Glen Johnson is where Cole was a few years ago, basically a right winger playing at right back; great going forward, heart attack inducing when defending.

Things to say:
"He's probably the best left back around"
"Thank god Mourinho taught him to defend"
"If only Cole could play right back at the same time"
"Why would anyone cheat on Cheryl?"

David "Calamity" James is the goalkeeper of note that is in the squad, although Joe Hart is the better keeper at the moment so just saying Hart should be playing if he isn't.

Well that's some basics covered for the main players and should be enough to get you through, in terms of the team itself I recommend noting that England are most at home playing a 4-4-2 system but say you would like to see them try a 4-5-1 with Gerrard playing behind Rooney (see above).

Of course say you expect the team to go out on penalties at the quarter finals but a semi final place is more than achievable. Apart from than that learn the words to 'Three Lions'

Well that covers England and I'll move onto some of the other nations and other major players and talking points (offside rules and the interpretation of and the like)soon.

Any questions just ask folks, does anyone want a basic, basic overview at all? I.e what 4-4-2 is? What a center back is? A general football jargon guide?