Monday 8 December 2008

Profile 10 : Mom


Age: You should ask a lady

Eyes: Sometimes kindly, sometime cold as steel

Hair : Just like Dracula's

Figure: She can be the old dear who's had too many cakes or the the sleek and slim mistress of misdeeds

Turn Ons: Building robots; being all corporationy, old scientists

Turn Offs: Her idiot children, platitudes and pretty much everyone

Nemesis: Those scream inducing meddling Planet Express types, the Professor more than the rest. He just keeps makes life hard but remains her one true love

Luxury Items: A shape changing power dress the helps maintain the illusion of her harmless old granny appearance. A robotic mother's day card.

Minion : In a surprise choice she's opted to activate Bender's obedience chip rather than risk one of her silly children making a mess of things

The head of the mega corporation MOM, 'Mom' is never satisfied and is always looking to increase market share, make more money and install herself as ruler of planet Earth head of that dreadful Nixon fellow.
Constantly undermined by her unwanted and unloved children she has left then at home for the potentially deadly Big Evil contest, taking in instead the cunning kleptomaniac that is Bender, something that could well be a shrewd tactical stroke. Or one big mistake.
She may look kindly and innocent but underneath the carefully projected public image Mom is as cold and evil as any of our other contenders.

Look out for these

Just a quick post with some upcoming film recommendations in the form of trailers.

First off, a labour of love from Mr Soderbergh, Che


Next up we have The Wrestler with what sounds like the performance of Mickey Rourke's life


Bryan Singer returns with Valkyrie aiming to restate his claim on the 'berg's crown after the disappointment of Superman Returns


And finally, David Fincher changes tack and may well have produced the best film of his career (which is no mean feat), The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button is looking like it might well be an instant classic.

Monday 1 December 2008

Hard Weapons : masculinity in the modern Hollywood action film with reference to Die Hard and Lethal Weapon

Prepare for the longest but laziest post in history, yes, that's right I'm about to regurgitate an earlish draft of one of my film studies essays. (For reader of a nervous disposition and the puerile it does contain the world phallus at least once) ;

For some time there has been great interest in the representations of gender and sexuality in the world of film. Mulvey’s influential essay on ‘Visual Pleasure and Narrative Cinema’ has prompted a lot of discussion around the area, in particular the representation of women and femininity.
However what has become a feature of this particular area of study until recently has been the tendency to treat the white male as the undefined centre, that is to say there is a lot of discussion regarding those that are seen to deviant from a unaddressed centre point; be it feminity, homosexuality, womanhood or racial differences. This is largely liked into what Mulvey refers to as the "phallocentric bias" of Hollywood and identified by those such as Cohan and Rae Hark in their introduction to the collection of essay on the topic ‘Screening the Male’, "the status of the male in both the cinema auditorium and in screen has, also, oddly enough, been too eagerly accepted as the unproblematic given of the system."
Although there is clearly scope to examine this area of interest, as Hale points outs "if we take some of the terms used in her (Mulvey) description of the voyeuristic look – ‘making something happen’, ‘forcing a change in another person’, ‘a battle of will and strength’, ‘victory and defeat’ – they immediately be applied to ‘male’ genres" Here we are considering what is referred to as male genres as being for example; the war film, the gangster film, the western and others where there is a violent conflict between a male hero and a villain.
Whilst there is an increasing interest in examining this ‘absent centre’ it is still largely undeveloped when compared to the work carried out moving out from this centre point. In this essay I intend to after a brief look at the portrayal of masculinity within mainstream Hollywood is to take a look a two relatively modern examples of the mainstream ‘action’ film produced under the Hollywood system, ‘Die Hard’ (1989) and ‘Lethal Weapon’ (1987) in regards as what is conveyed in these two films with respect to the masculinity of the main protagonists.
Unquestionably attention is paid to the output of Hollywood , as the perhaps the largest cultural , in terms of it’s representation of femininity and what this tells us about current social constructions. We are surrounded by magazines discussion the latest body image of the female film star, the release of films such as ‘Sex and the City’ are seen as cultural markers of the female experience. Although maybe less obviously discussed in the cultural landscape the same attention can be made in term of masculinity, as Taubin argues "One goes to see Clint (Eastwood) to check the current construction of masculinity in American Culture"
So what has Hollywood told us regarding the masculine ideal over the years? In short we can see that the masculine ideal has changed and fluctuated greatly over time as presented in film, from the dashing gentlemen of the likes of Errol Flynn to the modern emotionally aware men, such as Bruce Willis’ John McClane as we shall see later, via the muscle bound warrior machines of the Reagan era and the conflicted anti-hero as favoured by the Hollywood New Wave of the nineteen seventies.
Perhaps the first time we can really see Hollywood focusing on the male image is the nineteen fifties, (Richard Armour writing in Playboy referred to the decade as "The Age Of The Chest") as a series of productions heavily featured a preoccupation with the male form. Films such as Ben Hur, The Ten Commandments and a popular series of Tarzan pictures through out the decade seem to confirm the lure of the well developed male form for the audience. Something which was not lost on ‘Life’ magazine as Cohan notes "Life (in a 1954 pictorial survey of popular male stars) acknowledges that women go to film to look at men too and what’s more that the male image is no less a marketable commodity than the female, is marked to be looked at I multiple and contradictory ways".
At this time the most popular male stars tended to be barrel chested ‘men’s men’ who acted nobly and firmly, won the girl and saved the land. Charlton Heston is probably the best example of this era of masculinity as seen through the eyes of Hollywood. A strong, capable man who could stand against the veiled threat of the communist so often present at least in the background at this time.
Meanwhile the ‘B-Movie’ cycle of the period often saw the educated man as traitor or as the well meaning but foolish and misguided scientist, each time the ‘All American boy next door’ needs to ride to the rescue. Thus the framing of masculinity at the time was geared very much to the ordinary man in the street, whilst a lot of the star of the period had well muscled physiques arguable at this time they would not be too far removed from the body of the typical labourer. So what we have at this time is the age of the working class male hero who is perhaps only separated from his peers by the determination and nobility of his actions.
Moving into the nineteen sixties we begin to see the emergency of the sophisticated male as the hero, with a smaller physique and a greater use of his wits to outsmart the enemy. ‘Dr. No’ (1962) the start of the popular Bond franchise was quickly followed by the likes of ‘Our Man Flint’ (1965) were the hero now whilst physically smaller was still physically capable but important now he was often smarted than his enemy. No longer was masculinity phrased simply in terms of the body but now in terms of the body and the man behind it.
Another change was the increasing sexualisation of the male hero. Now instead of the chaste clinch at the picture’s end we are shown that the hero is sexually potent and is seen to share his bed with whichever woman he chooses to seduce. This period begins the era in which the masculinity of the male is tied so overtly to his phallus. It can argued that for James Bond his sexual being is as much a weapon for him as his trusted pistol.
From here we move towards the more fractured and troubled representations of masculinity prevalent in the Hollywood of the seventies. The New Wave of Hollywood led by self styled auteurs such as Coppola and Friedkin favoured troubled and conflicted representations. With examples such as Michael Corleone from ‘The Godfather’ the upstanding man who is slowly corrupted by those around him as seeks to do right by his family, ‘Taxi Driver’’s Travis Bickle who is cut adrift in a world he doesn’t understand and lashes out with uncontrolled rage and Jimmy Doyle the police detective from ‘The French Connection’ who is as unsympathetic and unlike-able as the criminals he chases.
Here we have a period that represents the crisis of American masculinity inflicted by the uncertain economic climate and the war scars of the Vietnam and Korean conflicts. Man was no longer the calm ocean of days gone, but was now uncertain of his place in the world and often suffering from a physiological problem. The days of the hard body replaced by the softened body and hardened yet unbalanced mind.
We move next into the eighties and the Reagan era which saw a return to the uncomplicated masculinity of the determined and muscle bound hero. Rambo changed from a trouble Vietnam veteran with an undirected rage in ‘First Blood’ (1982) to the nation’s patriotic warrior who would win the unwinable war in ‘Rambo : First Blood Part II (1985)’ and a former bodybuilder would go on to dominate the decade portraying uncomplicated men on a mission.
Though more straight forward than the heroes of the previous decade the days of Stallone and Schwarzenegger were not unproblematic, Creed identified them as "simulacra of an exaggerated masculinity" but others saw a move away from identifiable figures towards a more feminine obsession with body image, "If muscles are signifiers of both struggle and traditional forms of male labour than for many critics the muscles of male stars seem repulsive and ridiculous precisely because they seem to be dysfunctional, ‘nothing more’ than decoration"
Masculinity’s representation had moved to an extreme where the figures displayed were no longer immediately identifiable by the audiences watching them into an almost fetishised obsession with the body and the power of the male. As Creed notes "both actors (Stallone and Schwarzenegger) often resemble an anthropomorphised phallus, a phallus with muscles". For the eighties masculinity in Hollywood was about dominating those around you with force and intimidating them with the size of your body.
But as the decade moved on representations of masculinity again shifted and changed and we see the move towards again smaller bodies and eventually greater emotional intelligence in the male action hero. "Us masculinity in Hollywood films of the 1980’s was largely transcribed through spectacle and bodies. With the male body itself becoming often the most fulfilling form of spectacle..But there is already evidence that the emphasis on externality and the male body is shifting focus"
This is why I have chosen to look at the portrayals of masculinity in Die Hard (1989) and Lethal Weapon (1987), the two films emerged in the latter part of the decade and arguably represent the shifting in masculinity in mainstream Hollywood as noted above towards a form of representation that is still largely dominant in the action films of today.
In ‘Die Hard’ directed by John McTiernan, New York detective John McClane (Bruce Willis) has travelled to Los Angeles to visit his estranged wife Helen. Upon arrival at his wife’s work Christmas party McClane finds himself unwanted by his wife (she has reverted to her maiden name) and then caught up in what at first we are led to believe is a terrorist attack. Assisted over the radio by a local beat cop McClane proceeds to fight back against the terrorist group.
In ‘Lethal Weapon’ directed by Richard Donner , Los Angeles police sergeant Roger Murtaugh (Danny Glover), who has just turned 50 years old, is assigned to investigate the death one of the daughters of bank president Michael Hunsaker, a friend whom Roger has known since they were in the Vietnam War together. Beginning with this investigation, Roger is assigned a new partner Sergeant Martin Riggs (Mel Gibson), who has been suicidal ever since his wife died in a car crash. Riggs and Murtaugh's investigation makes them the targets of Shadow Company, a group of former Vietnam War era mercenaries who now bring heroin into the Los Angeles County region.
As we can see both the films fall firmly into what can be labelled a ‘male genre’ that of the Police based action film where the hero is placed in conflict against a villain who is easily identified as being transgressive via their breaking of the law. Thus the two films at first inspection both have typical masculine heroes, men who fight to uphold the law and protect their communities.
Looking first to Die Hard the first thing to note is the juxtaposition of the McClane character against those around him. McClane is put forward as a blue-collar worker, he is a police detective but he is from the ‘uncultured’ New York and to reinforce his ordinariness he spends the majority of the film’s run time dressed in infamously dressed in a dirt and sweat streaked vest top and with out shoes. This emphasises the fact that the character is an ordinary guy, he is dressed as one might suspect a labourer to look after a long day.
Compare this to both those he fights and the employees of the corporation for which his wife works and whose building has been invaded. Very quickly the difference is marked out between McClane and the employees of the company.
Early on in the film we are introduced to a character called Harry Ellis, Harry works for the company alongside John’s wife and is how dressed smartly in a designer suit and the difference between the two men is reinforced by the fact that even at the beginning of the film McClane looks uncomfortable in his shirt and tie and quickly removes them.
One is the blue collar worker and the other is the high flying executive whilst both are shown displaying masculine traits (Ellis is seen taking drugs and seen to be pursuing Holly) we are left in no doubt which is the pattern of masculinity that should be aspired to. As whilst Ellis may pour scorn on the intelligence and capability of McClane he critically fails to use the skills of which he is proud to negotiate with the terrorist leader, losing his life and showing himself to be foolish and arrogant in the process. The failure of Ellis to manufacture a resolution to the crisis alongside the killing of the company leader (Takagi, although he is seen to be an admirable man, bravely stepping forward to identify himself to the terrorist group) seem to push forward the idea that the suited employees are only able to escape due to the intervention of a working class man.
The idea of blue-collar masculinity placed in conflict against a more modern educated masculinity is further emphasised by the representation of the terrorist group. Each member of the group is shown wearing smartly presented designer clothing and the one member who does not fit this pattern is dressed as if he were a graduate college student. Hans Gruber (Alan Rickman), the leader of the terrorist group is even shown to be more expensively dressed than the majority of the company employees, even remarking to Takagi that he has a suit from the same tailor.
This choice of mise-en-scene goes to effectively establish a conflict between two types of masculinity, indeed as the film progresses the crisis becomes essentially a direct conflict between McClane and Gruber. Where McClane is shown to be ‘street smart’ (listening for the terrorist’s names on the radio so he work out how many are in the building), Gruber we are informed reads ‘Time’ magazine and listens to classical music; cues to his more traditional form of education. McClane is shown as using his wiles (he empties the gun he gives to Gruber as he pretends to be a hostage) where as Gruber is shown as untrustworthy in comparison (he turns on Ellis without warning).
Through the conflict between the two men the film appears to be promoting the straight forward ‘man of the world’ masculine traits over the more duplicitous well educated modern man. Indeed McClane eventually prevails over Gruber through his greater physical force and ability, McClane is the man who is more ‘man’.
Although McClane does eventually prevail physically over his enemy he it is important to note that he is not portrayed as a physically dominating presence. In fact he is in one sequence out muscled by one of the terrorists and succeeds in the conflict by out witting his opponent rather than simply over powering him. This step back from the Atlas like physical form of the previous cycle of action films starring the likes of Schwarzenegger and Stallone helps to move the definition of masculinity away from being defined simply by strength and force. Here the dominate male also be smart and aware of his surroundings, it is not enough to have the biggest biceps.
The move from strength as the defining factor of being male is further enforced by the increased depth of the emotional intelligence and life of the McClane character. At the beginning of the film we find him questioning his masculine identity as his estranged wife has reverted to her maiden name for use in her career. (This underlined when John is unable to find his name at reception before he sees his wife’s name).
The conflict with the terrorist group helps McClane to reassert his masculine identity within himself to the point where he is able to admit (both to himself and the beat cop he is radioing) that he is probably at fault for the break down in his marriage and family life. This opens up McClane emotionally in a way that might be seen to undermine his position. However when you compare this to the FBI agents who arrive later in the film it serves to help illustrate that McClane is the better man because he is able to both show concern for others and admit his mistakes; in contrast to the FBI agents who blindly follow the rule book and ignore the concerns of all others. This opening up of an emotional life for the hero is a feature of both films we are looking at, as Pfeil notes, "their definition in these male rampage films is precisely, indeed crucially, that of wild yet sensitive (deeply caring but killing) guy."
We are given access to the emotional life of the male hero, in this case McClane’s regrets over his failing marriage and in Lethal Weapon we can consider Murtaugh’s family life and Rigg’s suicidal depression, so that we as an audience can identify with them. We are given the impression that these action heroes are real flawed people as they overcome impossible odds and carry out outrageous bursts of action to defeat the bad guy. This is a big change from the boom period of the early eighties action film where we are led to believe that to be a man is to be capable of these actions without showing emotional weakness. Critically it seems the masculinity of the male action hero has been repositioned to be more accessible, to bring the dream of being like the hero shown screen closer.
In fact the FBI agents mentioned above (named Johnson and Johnson) can actually be seen as a critical rendering of previous masculine Hollywood constructions. These men are determined, forcibly in charge when they arrive and guided by sense of what is ‘right’. All features that can be located in various earlier Hollywood masculine heroes, but these traits lead them into being duped into assisting Gruber’s plan, endangering the civilian hostages and shooting at the hero of the film.
In Lethal Weapon the heroes begin representing two different patterns of masculinity. Murtaugh is the doemesticated father figure, struggling to stay in his position as the head of the household. Riggs meanwhile is unable to process his grief at the loss of his wife and channels this through his violent and dangerous actions whilst on duty as a police detective.
Again we have what can be seen as working class, blue-collar heroes however this time class conflict plays a lesser role. The eventual conflict that arises is between the domesticated masculinity of the heroes (by the film’s final third Rigg has been adopted as a family member by Murtaugh’s family) against the rawer masculinity of the Vietnam soldiers who have failed to reintegrate into society and simply continue to soldier as before.
The interesting aspect of Lethal Weapon is how the two characters combine to between establish a masculine ideal. Murtuagh is as mentioned the family man but his masculinity is undermined by his unwillingness to undertake violent action to defeat the villain. In contrast Riggs is shown as unable to control his actions, he is the unrefined ex-soldier unable to successfully find his place in society, his masculinity is to ‘raw’.
Through their interactions the pair reach a point where one is able to accept and progress through his emotional distress (we see Riggs handing the bullet he has marked for his suicide to Murtuagh’s family) the other is able to embrace violence and kill as he sets out to save his daughter from the villain who has already killed his daughter’s boyfriend.
While the initial section of the film is indicative of a more complex representation of masculinity the resolution demonstrates physical prowess and skill as a defining factor that sees our heroes triumph. Murtaugh is skill at driving sees the villainous General trapped and killed in a exploding vehicle whilst Riggs is able to best his right hand man Mr Joshua in unarmed combat. An act of physical prowess emphasised against the domestic backdrop of the Murtaugh family home.
The final unison of the two men after their initial dislike is encapsulated when they both shot Mr Joshua as he rises for one last attack., the two men although now shown to be able to act with emotional intelligence are finally bounded together through an act of violence.
It is as if two men can only fully become friends through embracing a typical masculine trait together. It is not enough for them to spend time with each other, only the act of violently defeating another man can they truly connect with each other. This aspect of their friendship helps the film to avoid the potentially unsettling homosexual subtext in the relationship between the two men, something which would dangerously cast doubt upon their masculinity to a point where the audience may no be willing to accept they are capable of overcoming their enemies.
A similar theme is seen in Die Hard in the friendship between McClane and Sgt Powell, "the movie’s largest gush of romantic violins is reserved for that drawn out moment when the two men, Al & John, at last come face to face, approach each other and fall into an embrace", again to avoid any lingering suspicion of homosexual feeling the relationship is finally defined and redeemed in an act of violence has Sgt Powell guns done the final terrorist as he threatens McClane’s life (regaining his masculinity in full in the process, after admitted he has not used his weapon since accidentally shooting a young boy).
What characterises these films against the overblown spectacles of the early eighties is this new emphasis on the internal aspects of the hero as well as the external. These characters show us aspects of the male experience beyond just the physical body image and the skill with which violence can be dispensed to the enemy.
A shift noted by Pfeil, "for all the overlap between most Schwarzenegger films and the Lethal Weapon & Die Hard series in terms of their desublimited, post-oedipal patterns of narrative pleasure, the fact remains that in many ways Arnold’s appeal is virtually the opposite of Mel and Bruce’s" There is the parallels of the sensitive man of Willis’ McClane against Schwarzenegger’s Conan, the wisecracks of Gibson’s Riggs against the puns of Schwarzenegger’s Commando or critically the body fetishism of the Reagan era against the emphasis of blue collar smarts in the new cycle of action film whose beginning is marked in the highlighted pictures.
Hollywood has moved from the presentation of the hard body as the pinnacle of masculinity onto a representation that is vastly more complex, an articulation of masculinity as Jeffords notes, "this reconfiguration of the hard bodied hero away from the un-emotional macho presidential style to an emotionally defined and internally motivated character marks an important shift in the articulation of masculine heroism".
The Hollywood action film has then moved towards a more internal and emotional evocation of masculinity, a trend still apparent as Reeves’ Neo struggles to find himself in The Matrix, Jason Bourne fights to find who he is as a man rather than to vanquish a drug baron and even Willis as John McClane is still struggling to be the good father as fights to free his daughter and is given a surrogate son in the fourth instalment in the still wildly popular Die Hard series.
"The achievement of the hard body no longer seems the goal of such films, but instead an effort to redefine that body as meaningful in emotional rather than physical terms"
With American again entering a period of crisis in masculinity on a social level with the deepening economic decline and finding itself involved in another confused and seemingly unwinable war in the Middle East it will be interesting to see if there is another shift in the portrayal of masculinity in the action film, will there be a return to the broken men of the seventies or a resurgence in the invincible man mountain of the early eighties?

Thursday 27 November 2008

Profile 9: Doctor Robotnik

Age: Keeps telling everyone he's in his mid thirties.

Eyes: Stolen from Gambit, oddly, though sometimes he hides them behind gnarly shades.

Hair: Bald head and ginger beard. Hard to tell which is the greater fashion crime.

Girth: Ample, and then some. Frequently seen in a bewildering array hideously beweaponed anti-gravity pods that would probably be more destructive were they not forced to hold his ludicrous frame.

Turn Ons: Building robots; trapping animals inside robots; using robots to annex islands with strangely partitioned geography.

Turn Offs: Pretanaturally agile insectivores; airborne vulpines; having his name changed when he's not looking.

Nemesis: A hedgehog with ADHD and kleptomaniac tendencies. Frankly, any supergenius who builds robots insufficiently sturdy to repel attacks from undergrowth-dwelling spined mammals isn't worthy of the title.

Luxury Items: Four dozen Mechano sets and seven pyschotic bunny rabbits.

Minion: An oversized robot crab piloted by a sociopathic baby seal named Larry.

A mad doctor truly worthy of the name. It's one thing to imagine an endless horde of sadistic robots trampling the world beneath their treads, but it's quite another to bring your sick vision to fruition by using helpless animals as batteries. Which of us can honestly say they've never stared at a mewling kitten or chirping bluebird and not thought "I could totally just stick that inside a giant killer robotic centipede and use it to conquer Green Hill Zone."?

No-one. That's what I thought.

Doctor Robotnik is a real potential contender in the Big Evil house, but he will have to bide his time, as until he assembles his unstoppable army of killer droids, he's essentially just a fat man with a faintly suspicious interest in children's playsets.

Our Front Room Endorses

'Say Anything' - To know Lloyd Dobler is to love him. Diane Court is about to know Lloyd Dobler
A quintessential 80's teen comedy, with two things that make it stand out from the crowd; Cameron Crowe's intelligent and warm emotionally developed script and the sheer charisma and likability of John Cusack as Lloyd Dobler.
It follows Lloyd as he romances Diane over the last summer after school, only Lloyd is directionless and Diane is setting her sights high. Meanwhile Diane's dad finds himself desperately trying to hide his crippling financial situation from his daughter.

Filled with wit and warmth 'Say Anything' is pretty much the teenage rom-com perfected equally charming all ages and not reliant on the crass humour and single note characterisations of many of it's like in the genre. It even has the smarts to avoid a neat , bow-tied ending. You can pick it up these days for a fiver, so it's heartily recommended, nay, endorsed!




Monday 24 November 2008

Excuses

Well, November is proving to be a bit rubbish isn't it folks? Firstly I shall blame the switch to a new computer with Vista making setting my internet back something of bore and a chore. (grrrr)

Second to this I shall blame being lazy which in turn I blame indirectly on the fact it's darker than the cold dead heart of my colleague Squid outside for about 15 hours a day now.

On a side not, while I still believe 'You Only Live Twice' is the best Bond film by a considerable distance re-watching it recently you can't help but think, 'My, god they'd never get away with this now'. You see the depiction of the Japanese is er to put it kindly, 'stereotyped'. Let's not even mention the part where they Oriental-up Bond himself!

Still, internet connection should (hopefully) be sorted by the end of the week so things in theory will pick up.

Tuesday 18 November 2008

Profile 8: Sauron

Age: Got to see Middle Earth get slapped together. Demands for "Less elves and poncing, more werewolves and ripping things" went tragically unheeded.

Eyes: Only needs the one. This dude is too bad-ass to need depth perception.

Hair: Probably not.

Helmet: Needlessly spiky.

Turn-Ons: Bling; placing his soul within bling; sending other, less blinged-up malevolent spirits to get his bling back for him.

Turn-Offs: Constantly losing his bling whenever he has his hands chopped off by mortal kings, or sometimes when doing the washing-up.

Nemesis: Unwashed, greasy-haired bums demanding to be considered royalty; being beaten by midgets too damn stupid to have developed the technology necessary for creating socks.

Luxury Items: Magnifying glass ("I can see you!"); replica of the One Ring he bought off e-bay from an overweight single man named "Arwen'sDream69."

Choice of Minion: Wanted a Ring-Wraith, but due to a clerical error has been forced to settle instead for a solitary orc, Hargrat "Larry" Bloodgut.

As one of the race of beings that watched the world be formed, and later chose to use it as their personal playground, Sauron is not the sort of immortal demi-God one would wish to spill the pint of. This is a guy who used to use werewolves and vampires as foot troops. You remember that huge great bat-lion of molten lava who almost did for Gandalf? That guy was a lieutenant. He had to answer to his captain, who was presumably a fifty-foot tall half shark, half-dragon made of razorblades and boiling acid.

True, Sauron may no longer be entirely on top of his game, what with the armies of the Free People's constantly marching across Pelennor Fields so as to ruin his shit, but even in his weakened state, his ability to turn his enemies against each other will make him a tough opponent to beat.

Unless Avon finds out he's East Side, obviously. Then some homie gonna get punked, feel me?

Sunday 16 November 2008

Yes, yes, I know...

..the promised updates for the Lost Watch are M.i.A, that posts in general are hitting the endangered list and the big evil seems to have gone into hibernation. But I do have important things to do you know, well..

I have to play through Far Cry 2, Gears Of War 2, Call Of Duty : World At War and fight Football Manager 2009's installation protection. So, you know, important stuff needs to be done.

I plan to be witty and urbane in blog form as soon as I get a good foot hold on the killin' people.

Sunday 9 November 2008

No Respect For The Dead

SpaceSquid and C are changing following their calisthenics programme, which is very manly and makes women love them. Our awesome masculinity is marred, however, by the sudden arrival of rubbishy classical music.

SS: Why the Hell are they piping this crap through in here?

C: You have an objection to Handel?

SS: I'm just uncomfortable listening to him while I take my clothes off. I feel like I'm in a Stanley Kubrik film.

C: You have an objection to Kubrick too?

SS: Are you kidding? If I end up in his oeuvre I'll be bored senseless, and possibly hacked up with an axe.

C: Maybe the axing will come as some sort of relief. Unless Kubrik does ghosts. Does Kubrik do ghosts?

SS: In The Shining, yeah. I like that you didn't know that but you haven't questioned that whole axe thing. What's your point?

C: That you'll spend eternity haunting a Kubrik film.

SS: Ah, Christ; you're right. I hope it's Full Metal Jacket. That's only half total shit.

C: I couldn't interest you in 2001? You could freak out the apes.

SS: Pffft. I can't help thinking prehistoric primates wouldn't fully appreciate the terror of being visited by a furious ghost from the distant future.

C: Erm, the orgy scene in Eyes Wide Shut?

SS: Sigh. I guess that's the best I can hope for. Sold.

Thursday 6 November 2008

Our Political Expert Speaks

Now that the election is safely in the bag, and the senior senator from Arizona returned to his coffin to await the next Time of Blood, it should be OK to discuss the various ways that McThuselah could have taken the Oval, if only he'd thought outside the box for more things than who to replace him under the eventuality that his maggot-ridden coal-powered heart finally released it's black acid and ate away his chest.

Here then is our resident political scientist, Professor Votemeister, with the rundown.

1. Accuse Obama of being a werewolf.

Secret Muslim might not have worked. Terrorist might not have worked. Socialist secret Muslim terrorist might not have worked. Werewolf might not have worked. Ummm....

Wait! I got it!

1. Accuse Obama of being a werewolf who is also a vampire!

At last it all fits! Why has no-one ever seen Obama during the daytime? Or under a full moon?

What's that you say? You have seen him during the daytime and/or under a full moon? No, you have not. You think you have, but that was trick photography or CGI or mass hallucinations caused by Obama's secret Muslim terrorist homosexual man-milk. And why would the Dumbocrats employ such base trickery and hallucinogenic drugs from mutant male mammaries to befuddle the populace! Which they would only do to hide the fact that Obama is a secret werewolf who is also a vampire paedophile addicted to sex-cocaine!

It's the circle of logic, my friends, and it moves us all.

2. Attach Palin's severed face to his own.

How better to have capitalised on Palin's popularity, stop her making any more idiotic gaffes, and gain the sheer pleasure inherent in peeling away a woman's face from her skull? Added bonus: they could have added Joe Lieberman's face to Palin's body, finally making McCain's man-crush acceptable to his rabid, unthinking base.

3. Begin impregnation campaign in Texas to increase electoral votes to 225.

Admittedly a plan that would only have worked if commenced in the early months of 1990. Or, since Texas would need to have become six times as populous, probably best to have started in the eighties. But that's good news, since McCain would presumably still have been just about virile enough to contribute to the process. Alternatively, he could have opened the border long enough to allow 150,000,000 Mexican's through, though since I don't think there are that many Mexicans we'd probably have to rely on El Salvador too. Hispanics love Republicans, right?

4. Replace frail body with mechanical frame.

No Terminator has lost an election since the founding of the Union. Fact. This move would also have proven McCain's commitment to modern technology, though one would hope that he would have his grandchildren sort out his virus software, to protect against worms, Trojan Horses, and the sudden desire to exterminate all humanity, rather than his previous plan to just exterminate the brown ones or those in frilly pink shirts.

5. Conspire to have Nancy Pelosi removed, then fight Yoda to claim the Senate room.

If Gordon Brown needs some advice for the next time round, he should have his people call my people.

Wednesday 5 November 2008

R.Tv.O.R.F

Two more classic music moments..

Beaker does Ode To Joy


Flight Of The Conchords with Hiphopopotamus vs. Rhymenoceros

Tuesday 4 November 2008

Just goes to show...



.. that apart from the system tag on the end video game trailers are becoming more like filmtrailers with each passing day.

Monday 3 November 2008

Why aren't I a game designer?

With it Gears Of War 2, Fable II, Call Of Duty 5 : World At War, Dead Space, Football Manager 2009, Far Cry 2 and Fallout 3 all out now or in the next two weeks it is an expensive time to be a gamer. Well a gamer with an addictive personality who constantly suffers from burning a hole in the pocket syndrome.

As such I propose to save time and money the games should be combined into one genre breaking experience; 'The Fable of Gears Of War Fallout into Dead Space causing the Football Manger to head the Call Of Duty a Far Cry from home 2025 (2+5+II+2009+2+3)'

How could a game encompassing so many of modern gaming's great ideas fail? Imagine choosing your line up to face Real Madrid in the Champions League final and picking a chainsaw wielding Marcus Fenix at left back, deploying a tactical airstrike at half time then roguishly taunting the locals at the post match press conference.

Think of the excitement of striding out across a barren post-apocalyptic landscape in search of the latest under 21 hot shot goalkeeper, fighting off nightmarish creatures from the darkest regions of outer space to get the signature on the contract before The Jackal gets there first

Seriously how could it fail?

Sunday 2 November 2008

Today's Burning Question No. 3

Can you engineer a helicopter with a swastika for rotor blades? And if so, would Max Mosley attempt to screw a hooker in it at 2o,ooo feet?

Monday 27 October 2008

OFR vs Hollywood No.2

Title: Licence to Licence to Kill

Hollywood Formula Pitch: (Office Space - Idiocracy) x The Living Daylights

Synopsis: Touching yet adrenaline-charged story of the quiet, unassuming British Intelligence operative Hugo Jobsworth, who alone amongst the Queen’s men is entrusted with stamping and signing those "licences to kill" that all those smug double-0 bastards seem to think get passed out like Cheetos. Day after day he sits quietly seething as Bond chats up the women in the department, in direct contravention of Civil Service regulations, and plots grabbing revenge by revoking the martini-slinging pretty-boy’s parking privileges. But once 007 shoots a Russian oligarch, and is thrown in a Siberian gulag because someone failed to fill out the relevant forms in triplicate, only one man can save him.

How will Bond cope with a situation too bureaucratic for him to bonk his way out of? Is Hugo man enough to swallow his pride and reach for the carbon paper? And will he insist on finishing his lunch break first?

Money shot: Watching Bond's furrowed Neanderthal brow attempt to wrestle with photocopying his own P2-G742 form.

Tagline: Killing is easy. Paperwork is murder.

Lost Watch

Episode 9 : Solitary

Right, apologies for the stupid long gap, I'll try and pick the pace back up. But anyway here we go.

This week we are all about Sayid and open on him sitting and feelin' blue on his walkabout. But pretty quikcly he finds a cable buried on the beach and it's not long before the crack former Republican Guard is hanging upside down in the jungle with a mysterious figure stalking him!

He wakes up in hut with a multilingual crazy purpose repeating asking "Wo ist Alex?" or "Where is Alex" for the less European inclined of you. He is also tied to an electrified bed, which is probably worth mentioning.
Flashin' back we see Sayid the loyal soldier and 'communications' officer beating the heck out of a poor dissident. Things get more complex when he is asked to interrogate a young woman, who in a 'it's a small, small world' moment turns out to have gone to school with him. And to have been a big 'ol bully, but only cos she liked him you see. It seems young Sayid has had his turned by the pretty girl.
Meanwhile Hurley is building a golf course and we discover it's Delenn who's got Sayid. By which I mean a crazy French lady who fires out plot points like a Gatling gun; the others, the Black Rock, the whispering jungle, an 'it' that killed them all. It seems science teams crack easily under pressure.
Back to Iraq and Sayid helps Nadia (his girl) escape, shooting his C.O. and himself in the process. What a guy! In the present he escapes his captor, CFL (crazy French lady), after she goes hunting after the terrible smoke monster apparently. She refuses to come back to camp with him, doesn't tell him who Alex is and fesses up to killing her husband and pretty much everyone else she arrived with.

Elsewhere Hurley's golf course is a great success even bringing Sawyer out to play with the rest of the gang and Walt looks pretty handy with a knife. Oh and on his way home. Sayid hears voices in the jungle, oohhh!

So this week no actually outright lying but a lot of half-truths and vague answers and a whole pile of questions thanks to CFL, hey we don't even find out where the other side of the cable goes!

Bit of a short one this week mainly cos I watched it a few days ago and I've got a whole bunch of other stuff to remember.

Monday 20 October 2008

Micheal Bay Presents....


Debating...'BAY STYLE'
Just wait till you get to the end when the presidential car chase starts. Obama takes an early lead before McCain pulls it back when Florida explodes sending OB's car spinning out of control and straight through the window of the Oval office. At this point a deadly kung-fu fight breaks out between the two men.
Things get really tense when the Clintons turn up toting miniguns...and then Al Gore arrives, in a tank, a transforming tank, a transforming tank that runs on biofuels.


Sunday 19 October 2008

Tonight's Viewing

Tonight OFR will once again be delving into the endlessly fascinating Gordian conspiracy of Fringe. The rest of the world might be sleeping through the nightmarish plotting of insanely powerful American corporations, but we know the truth: they're out to get us. Shadowy executives are making Faustian deals behind the scenes, and sacrificing mankind's best interests to further their own unfathomable interests. How else can we explain how J. J. Abrams could get such an insufferably dull piece of guff onto our television screens? Most terrifying terror? Most bollockifying bollocks, more like, and that doesn't even make any sense.

Oh no! Perhaps I've been infected with a government-sponsored terrorist-seized super-nano-techno-bio-metal-drug-virus, and it's destroyed my ability to type words good, and junk. How sinister...

Wednesday 15 October 2008

Profile 7: Galactus

GALACTUS

Age: The span of this universe, plus change.

Eyes: The size of beachballs.

Hair: Strawberry blonde, but we didn't tell you that.

Hats: Rakish and fashionable, at least on any planet that doesn't want to get itself eaten.

Turn Ons: Consuming planets, preferably with balsamic vinegar and a side salad.

Turn Offs: Mortal interference, rebellious flunkies, gas giants (they give him wind).

Nemesis: The Fantastic Four, mainly the stretchy one who won't stop whining.
.
Luxury Items: Elemental Converter, ludicrously large golf umbrella.

Choice Of Minion: The Silver Surfer. The Kirby one, obviously, because the Moebius Silver Surfer was shit.

There are some who might say that Galactus is not truly evil, that he represents eternity within our galaxy, and that his world-consuming hunger should be viewed with rage, but with awe, and perhaps even pity.

Galactus would eat those pussies for breakfast and not even notice. This is a dude so ridiculously hard that the destruction of the last universe didn't finish him off (though it did make him a little peckish). Like him or loathe him, what the Hell does he care? He's going to drink your oceans, and swallow the moon as an aperatif.

Whilst powerful beyond belief, Galactus may find it hard to fit into Big Evil. That damned Surfer is liable to keep scheming against him, for starters. Then there's the fact that he's too big for the house and will have to stand in the garden and hope it doesn't snow. Still, at least no-one will demand that he does his share of the , in case he serves up Venus on a bed of fennel.

Monday 13 October 2008

Save The Environment With SpaceSquid

Whilst I was lounging in boats on holiday and desperately trying to forget that any of you exist, I had the chance to observe a bewildering array of seabirds perch on rocks, or fly about a bit, or scare toddlers with their Hitchcockian flocking.

Now, obviously, seabirds are evil. Despite this, though, they are our cousins in nature (albeit horribly vicious and twisted cousins who shat on my maths book when I was in Y2 and never apologised), and as such must be protected from environmental catastrophe. It is our civil duty. Just recently the quiet little archipelago where I spent my vacation was hit by a tanker packed full of M&S merchandise. Every gannet and guillemot within a mile radius found themselves tangled up in red and white tea dresses and comfortable Y-fronts. Which did at least keep them warm, though many of the younger birds were heard complaining how unfair it was that the last Primark vessel had passed by without difficulty.

Next time, they might not be so lucky. Next time it might be one of those dirty great oil supertankers that crashes, pumping out liquid gold into the Atlantic, ruining both the birds' beautiful plumage and their nefarious plans at the same time.

This, obviously, is a tragedy. A fully-deserved and amusing tragedy. I thus present five possible methods for dealing with such crises in the future. The most popular plan will be dispatched to Gordon Brown by the end of the week.

1. Crew tankers entirely with strippers.

Pros

  • Immediate influx of volunteers to engage in clean-up;
  • Breasts;
  • Wave of relief across country as embarrassed parents finally get to say "She might take her clothes off for complete strangers, but look how nice she scrubbed-up this razorbill".
Cons

  • Sudden shortage of clear heeled slingbacks and hot pink thongs likely;
  • Attempts to clean oil with tongues will leave many perverts seriously ill;
  • Seabirds themselves liable to be ignored by all but the most disturbing sex-pest.
2. Include presents and other goodies inside each tanker hold, turning a clean-up operation into a lucky dip.

Pros

  • Will finally allow Tonka to empty those warehouses that have been filled to bursting with Go-Bots since the mid eighties;
  • Makes accidents particularly welcome at Christmas, which is exactly when tanker crews are at their most mindless pissed;
  • Will appeal to the under sixteens, making it an important first step to re-legalising child slavery.
Cons

  • Today's children will be unimpressed unless their prize shoots real missiles, or transforms into three different types of tank, or something;
  • Daily Mail will run article insisting that hundreds of toddlers will end up burning to death;
  • Hundreds of toddlers will end up burning to death.
3. Force random sea-birds to swallow diamond rings. Save the environment, maybe win some jewellery!

Pros
  • Jewellery is sparkly;
  • Hard-up suitors now just one filth-smeared skua away from being able to propose;
  • Noel Edmunds has expressed an interest in presenting tie-in TV show.
Cons
  • Diamonds are expensive. Probably cheaper for oil executives to just buy boats that don't keep crashing, and we all know how that's turned out;
  • Each bird saved will then be brutally killed and searched for treasure;
  • Awkward to explain to girlfriend that her new ring was gouged from the belly of a cormorant.
4. Genetically engineer flame-retardant sea-birds and just set oil slick on fire.

Pros

  • Looks pretty;
  • Everyone gets to sing Firestarter and think they're the first person to do it;
  • Plenty of fried fish to eat. Fish aren't endangered, right?
Cons

  • Difficult to positively sell fire since the Hindenburg disaster;
  • Fire bad for global warming. Probably. I don't know how it works, really;
  • Fire-proof seagulls liable to usurp mankind as dominant life on Earth.
5. Remove dependency upon oil by encouraging development of alternative fuel sources.

Pros

  • Immediately ensures oil spills a thing of the past;
  • Ends dominance of major oil companies and their governmental shills;
  • Don't need to keep slapping around Middle Eastern countries.
Cons

  • Will make Al Gore intolerably smug.

Sunday 12 October 2008

Profile 6 : Avon Barksdale

Avon Barksdale
Age : 38
Eyes : Brown, steely
Hair : Cropped or shaven
Body Type : Wiry

Turn-Ons : honeys, money, soldiering

Turn-Offs : POlice, Omar, East side er 'individuals'.

Nemesis : The closet thing Avon has to a nemesis is Omar Little. Little is something of a wild card in 'the game' and a constant thorn in the side of Avon's operation as he robs stash houses, terrorises the hoppers and generally looks to cause chaos as he seeks revenge for the brutal murder of a former lover by Avon. To some extent the special crimes unit of Baltimore PD also dog Avon's life but he was largely unaware of them until they came a'knocking.

Luxury Items : a beanie hat, a old pair of boxing gloves, a pager for him and his minion.

Choice of minion : Brother Mouzone. Mouzone is a terrifying individual. Smart, relentless and ruthless he is a hired killer who is very good at what he does and also enjoys a good read, rarely seen without a copy of 'The Nation' magazine.

Avon is an old fashion gangster, having fought his was to the top of Baltimore's drug scene he now finds himself having to do it all over again in our house. He's a cool character, a committed family man, not often prone to losing his temper but it can get ugly when he does. Admittedly he has no time for over complicated plans or schemes and much prefers the direct approach to his work, proper old school 'soldiering' as he would say.

As for the potential long confinement he has no worries, after all as he says "you only do two days, the day you go in and the day you come out"

Wednesday 8 October 2008

It's what keeps us watching..

It's what keeps us watching, what draws us in. We may enjoy may of the films and shows we watch, many of the songs we hear. And we may think a great many of the things we come across are terrible (Battlefield Earth for example was on yesterday) but it's those moments where it all comes to together that keeps us going.

Those scenes that just seem to work so perfectly that every time we seen them we shall smile and nod appreciatively. Maybe they excite, maybe they shatter the heart, maybe they intrigue, maybe they are just plain 'cool'. Whatever it may be they provoke something more than anything else.

Every now and again Our Front Room will showcase some of the moments that have caught our eyes and ears and below is the first few offerings.

From 'The Third Man', it's perhaps the greatest reveal in cinema history and this is before Welles steals the show with the Swiss monologue. Brilliantly done and Harry's wry smile says so much more than any lines could


Not a showy one this, it's all about the performance and the dialogue nor is it one of the films grandstanding moments. What it is though is the encapsulation of both Will as a character and the film's core message to live your life.


If you don't know this then I don't know what you've being doing with your time. A perfect ending to a near perfect film. It is the confirmation of what Micheal has become and those final seconds as the door closes, Kaye knows it too.



Something from TV here and it goes to show that even if you're making a genre TV show it doesn't mean you can't do it with flair and imagination as The Sarah Conner Chronicles shows a great deal of promise which make rumours of it's imminent cancellation disappointing


I simply don't believe Gwyneth has ever looked so lovely and in a one stroke Wes Anderson ensures you completely understand the connection between the two characters


Yes, the film itself showed flashes of promise without ever really working as whole but the combination of that theme, the images and the tones of the late, great Brando still makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.


So there we go, just a few moments that keep me doing what I do. Keep your eyes out for more as there are many more to come.

Lost Watch

Episode 8 : Confidence Man

The Davidoff aftershave opening confirms pretty much straight away it's Sawyer's turn in the spotlight this week, though thankfully he does put some clothes on.

Launched into flashback real quick we have Sawyer in bed after having 'relations' (as Charlie would put it) with a woman, but he's late for a meeting and jumping up to get ready picks up a suitcase which spills money all over the place. The woman is confused, we are confused and Sawyer immediately has the air of a con man.

Back on the island and Sawyer has given Boone a beating for looking through his stash of stuff. You see Shannon has asthma and is running out of puff (literally) and Jack isn't really able to help that much seeing as his medicine stockpile appears to be mostly compromise of what remains of the plane's duty free.

Jack and then Kate both try to get Sawyer to give up Shannon's spare inhalers without success. First off it's manly chest beating with Jack (Doc Daring backs down) and then kiss and tell with Kate. Well, except there's no kiss and the tell part takes the form of a letter Sawyers keeps in his pocket. The letter is from small boy promising to find him as Sawyer's con flipped out this kid's dad who killed himself and the boy's mother. Sawyer is a bad, bad man it seems.
Flashback to Sawyer progressing his con with the happy couple, promising to triple their investment in three weeks he asks for a paltry $160,000 to make the initial investment. The wife is already in, hook line and sinker but the hubby needs convincing. So Sawyer suggests the couple hold on to the money he's kicking in as a good faith gesture. Sawyer leaves the table grinning like a redneck a moonshine still.
On island Sayid is unleashed on Sawyer in full communications office mode ("My training included getting the enemy to communicate") and a few prods with sticks under the fingernails later and Sawyer is ready to give up the info, but only to Kate.

Duly Kate agrees to pay her part and finally concedes and gives Sawyer a kiss, but it has to be said she seems to get really, really into it rather than feeling awkward about it as you might expect from her previous objections. He doesn't have them. Yep, that's right Sawyer never had the inhalers and appears to be a masochist who wants everyone to hate him, though 'Freckles' seems to be on to him about this one.

Back in the day Sawyer is ready to finish the con when a cute little kid comes wandering into the room and his face darkens. He calls off the deal, refusing to take the money and leaving as quickly as possible. It seems he isn't a bad, bad man at all (plus we've already seen some unsavoury types threatening Sawyer if he doesn't pay them back). We the audience and Kate both now realise the letter was not written to him but by him, he's a misunderstood tragic figure you see. He has become the man he's hunted for all his adult life.

Meanwhile Sun has actually helped Shannon out using eucalyptus whilst everyone else was busy playing victimise the charismatic loner, Charlie has convince Claire to come to the caves via a sweet/annoying (delete as desired) imaginary peanut butter ruse.

We close on Sawyer looking moody out on the beach by himself and Sayid going walkabout, having disgusted himself during the torture of Sawyer, he's decided to explore the coastline of the island.

Thus we learn lots about Sawyer, the only real lie this week was him lying by omission and not telling he didn't have the inhalers as well. Though the pattern is starting to develop because we still have no clue who hit Sayid and trashed the equipment.

Tuesday 7 October 2008

R.Tv.O.R.F

Alright pop pickers..



From Beth Orton's Central Reservation album (a record highly recommended) 'Stolen Car' is a track full of great imagery (though sadly in it's all in the lyrics and not in the rather silly video)

This Video DJ is off to do great work for charity...

Monday 6 October 2008

Stuff that never made it

The entertainment industry is full of things that never made it. Films forever trapped in development hell (like Indy IV, oh hang on, or Ghostbusters III...http://http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1289402/, er) or TV shows that didn't make it past the pilot stage. However today's multimedia age means that often we still get to see bits and pieces of these so we can complain that the people in charge don't what their doing. Bits and pieces like the following :





Though to be honest I'm not sure about this one. Pitched as being set during Buffy's school years it could have been a regular half hour Buffy fix but I'm not so sure if it could have worked in the long run. Still it's fun to see what might have been.

Sunday 5 October 2008

Profile 5: Evil The Cat

EVIL THE CAT

Age: Either as old as evil, or as old as cats, though they may in fact be the same thing.

Eyes: Seven times more sensitive than yours, human.

Hair: Off white and meticulously groomed.

Turn-Ons: Punishing Hench-Rat; trying to destroy the entire universe.

Turn-Offs: Temporary setbacks; people asking what comes after the obliteration of all existence.

Nemesis: An earthworm in a suit. Alright, the suit is bad-ass, but c'mon, an earthworm? Constantly hampered by a mutant puppy that periodically attempts to kill him? I thought cats were supposed to be smart.

Luxury Items: Fireball gun, catnip, tape of elevator music.

Choice Of Minion: Hench-Rat, mainly because a team of rabid lawyers would cost too much on retainer. What Hench-Rat lacks in competence, he makes up for in maintenance fees. And expendability, frankly. Plenty more rats in the dump, though they may not all be wearing suits of cybernetic cheese.

The Supreme Avatar of Destruction needs no other name. Or clothes. Though some kitty litter and a scratching post would hit the spot, thanks. Evil the Cat is so relentlessly tough and villainous that only the total destruction of all reality will do. That's not even his job; it's a goddamn hobby. Whilst you and I collect stamps or go rambling, Evil the Cat considers how best to unmake all that exists. Well, either that, or he licks at his genitals for a while. Which in itself is pretty bad-ass, when you consider the damage his teeth could do. Self-spaying might sound funny, but it's a serious business.

This is no ordinary cat. This is the Alpha cat. This is the moggy that runs from dogs purely because he remembers where he's parked his Sherman tank. This is the cat Chuck Norris would have, assuming that Chuck had turned to the dark side and come into possession of a large quantity of Whiskas Gravy Chicken. If this furious feline has a weakness, it's that even the most temporary of alliances will be difficult to forge when destroying the metaverse is your stated intent.

Also, balls of wool. This kitty is a sucker for balls of wool. Wook at him pwaying wiv it! Awwwww!

Thursday 2 October 2008

Lost Watch

Episode 7 : The Moth

You know the spoiler drill by now.
We open on a sweaty and distracted Charlie, every inch the withdrawal picture book and surely only a man deep in the throws of withdrawal would feel cold enough to wear a hooded fleece in the jungle.

A spot of Kate, Jack and Sawyer bickering and a quick bit of boar chase action later and we're thrown into the flashback. As much as I like Charlie his flashes are the worst thanks to the cliche ridden depictions of England and his band Oasis, er I mean DriveShaft clearly. Quite think were they got the inspiration from at all. First up is Charlie playing the good catholic and confession his 'relations' with young ladies.

Back on the island Sayid has a plan to track down the French signal users sticks, taped together motherboards and bottle rockets (who knew fireworks smugglers though on such a small scale!) with the help of Kate and Boone the gormless he hopes to succeed. Elsewhere Locke tells Charlie he will give him his drugs back after he asks for them three times before discussion the wonder of the moth.
Feeling put upon and somewhat a loser Charlie flips out inside an unstable cave trapping Jack inside. Why he was in it in the first place isn't massively clear. Running to help dig Boone leaves Shannon in charge of his part of Sayid's grand scheme - is that a wise choice? At the excavation site Walt is impressed as his father takes charge and shows he has skills beyond moaning and gettin' beat on.
In En-ger-land Charlie is feeling pushed aside by his brother and feels it's no longer about the music. His revelation may ave something to do with the four or five half dressed girls hanging around in his brother's dressing room. Well it's probably the band's dressing room but the drummer and guitar player are nowhere to be seen as no-one cares about them in true Oasis style. After lamenting his brother for scoring excessively with drugs and women he becomes a junkie himself.
On the island Sawyer having run to tell Kate about the cave-in is put out when she starts being narky and decides not to tell her and just tag along to help with the sticks and rockets instead. After some verbal sparring he lets slip and is left to carry out the plan. So we now have Sawyer and Shannon in charge of two third of this. Will it work?

Having dug a hole in the cave system it's decided someone will have to climb in to free Jack and everyone's favourite ex-hobbit volunteers. A second cave-in then traps in him inside with Jack who play doctor and manages to deduce Charlie is in withdrawal. What a genius that man is.
Just as all looks lost a CGI Moth (following on from the CGI bees) guided the puffy eyed Charlie and the bruised doc to the surface and the pair come walking into the cave camp looking like a pair of guilty teenagers after missing curfew.

Kate demonstrates she isn't in love with the doctor by trying to squeeze the life out of the man.

Elsewhere Sun has begun to assert herself with Jin, who is still wearing half a pair of handcuffs and Sayid's plan is a total success after Sawyer and Shannon both bring it on home. As Sayid exclaims in joy he's smacked round the back of the head with a sturdy looking branch.

Finally Charlie asks Locke for his drugs for the third time and a sad Locke hands them over only to be beaming with pride seconds later as Charlies thrown them on the fire and everyone eats heroin smoked boar for dinner.

Not a great deal of lying this week apart from Sawyer's initial omissions and the keeping of Charlie's drug habit from the innocent hearted Hurley. The big mystery of the week being who clocked Sayid?




Sunday 28 September 2008

If you haven't, you should..

watch The Wire!

The Wire is probably the best drama series to hit television in a very, very long time (only Six Feet Under comes close for me) and you really should seek it out and watch. But don't expect any quick hit action, stick with it for three or four episodes and it will draw you in completely because this ladies and gentlemen is the great American novel born straight onto the televising screen.

Below is the very first scene and a scene from the first series that perfectly showcases why The Wire is a hundred times smarter than any of it's contemporaries, watch these then get your backsides down to the shop and get those boxsets.

How it all begins...



Playing chess...


Our Front Room Endorses The Wire to the very highest degree.

R.Tv.O.R.F

Another tune from the airwaves and interwebwaves of R.Tv.O.R.F...





What you get when you mix the Detroit pains of Eminem and the Yorkshire honesty of Embrace and strangely it works really well

Lost Watch

Episode 6 : House Of The Rising Sun
This week we are Jin and Sun centric for the flashback backbone of the episode but begin with some great comedy from Charlie as he accuses Jack and Kate of "verbally copulating" and observes that "the great white hunter" is getting restless waiting for the expedition to collect water to start.

A quick bit of establishing that Sun and Jin are isolated by the group latter and Jin has jumped Micheal without explanation and is trying to drown him in the sea, he's doing pretty well until the justice squad of Sayid and Sawyer arrive to restore the peace.

Back in the (Korean) day we have Jin the waiter wanting to marry IT girl Jin, deciding things must be done properly he refuses to elope with Sun and goes to her father to request his permission; he ends up working for Sun's father in return.

Jack, Kate, Charlie and Locke reach the caves and begin collecting the water. Jack rather ironically asks Charlie to search for drugs amongst some more wreckage he's found; Charlie twitches and tries to sneak off to chase the dragon but Locke won't let him out of his sight, the 'ol dog knows something is up.

The budget is then thrown to the skies for the inclusion of a swarm of CGI bees (presumable hard to get Bees to do what you want) has Charlie disturbs a grounded Bee-hive, correctly pointing out if he could pull himself together it would be an irrational fear of bees that has traumatised him so. To offset this spending things are sexed as Kate feels the need to remove her shirt for the occasion.

Half naked Kate then discovers some bodies in the cave who have been then for quite some time, an Adam and Eve as Jack observes. Who are they? How did they get there?

Flashing back we see how Sun and Jin have been driven apart by the work he does for her father, he works all hours and has developed a temper. It become apparent his job description is 'Hired Goon' when he comes home covered in blood which quite clearly isn't his. This leads onto Sun planning to escape her life and learning English in secret to make it possible.

On the island Jack decides the gang should set up in the caves instead of the beech but opinion is split and eventually half go to the caves and half stay with the crucial dramatic turn being the fact that Kate stays on the beech breaking up her doe eyed duo with the dashing doc.

Elsewhere it turns out Jin has gone ape-sh*t over a watch Micheal has salvaged on the beach (quite uninspiring really), Locke gets Charlie to give up his drugs and manages to reconnect the former hobbit happily with his guitar, we hear Micheal's number one priority is to get Walt off the island (this people will be significant later) and Locke once demonstrates his faith in the island.

As we draw to a close in the days gone by Sun finds she is unable to walk away from her husband once the opportunity arises. So we have a bit more on hour Korean heroes (Jin does not know Sun can speak English) the survivors have split into two distinct groups in the caves and on the beach and the small little lies elsewhere are building up (Jack does not know yet about any the signal or any previous inhabitants for example).

Thursday 25 September 2008

Something Wicked This Way Comes



It seems from playing The Force Unleashed that filling a Jawa with lightening until it's about to explode and then flinging it at the nearest group of hapless Stormtroopers is not something that's likely to get old any time soon.

Yes indeed the game is full of amusing moments like this; people sucked out of windows into space (following after the deck office you used to break it in the first place), poor scavengers desperately clinging to any ledge they can grasp as you bounce them like a ball, Wookies slammed into trees until the tree falls onto them, AT-ST crushed ready to be thrown into the nearest recycling bin and that's nothing compared to what you levels you go to rearrange the faces of the Jedi you hunt down.

Then you pull a Star Destroyer out of orbit.

Now this is all good fun but it has to be said the much trumpeted storyline that bridges the two sets of films isn't all that. Now there's nothing wrong with the characters involved (the Kato like droid is a particular highlight) but rather the fact that the Emperor's dastardly plan makes no sense at all.

It also seems odd that Vader wastes the chance to overthrow his master. Why does the most powerful Jedi yet known (remember than midi-chlorian stuff?) not take the chance to take down the old man with the aid of a man who pulls Star Destroyers out of orbit for kicks? It seems a strange decision at best.

Still it's a entertaining way to pass a few hours even if it makes you wonder why someone who basically bitch-slaps Vader and the Emperor by the end is never mentioned by anyone not even a few years later. You'd think people would remember that kind of thing. Maybe pass a few pointers to Luke.

Wednesday 24 September 2008

Lost Watch

Episode 5 : White Rabbit.

Spoilers rules as before.

This time it's Jack first turn centre stage. We open a young Jack taking a beating for standing up to bullies, even as a kid he was a Dudley-do-right we just can't help himself. Flash back to the island and within seconds Jack "I'm no hero" Shepard is diving into the sea to save a flailing swimmer.

Dramatic moments later and he surfaces pulling poor young Boone to the surface with him, phew, day saved, everyone happy, but then.."Did you get her?" splutters the lad and ladies and gentlemen Lost has killed again. Yep, following the crash (obviously) we have already lost the pilot, the Marshall and now a random woman is thrown to the sea by the writers. The Island is truly a dangerous place , even more so if you don't have a name at this stage. Let us hope no one is fool hardy enough to wear a red shirt too.

As Jack berates himself for failing to save said lass we get our first proper day count, six days and there appears to be a man in a suit wading in the sea. Or is Jack just mad? Meanwhile Sawyer is bartering as usual and finding the time to nickname Shannon as 'Sticks' ('cos of the legs you see. Mind they are quite impressive, he's right).

Next, it's panicky stations for Charlie and Hurley as they find the water supplies are running low and run over to Jack to bombard with questions and requests to be told what to do about it. Jack throws a 'I'm not in charge' strop - this is one of many more to come.

Back to the past and Kid Jack is having a heart to heart with his father, well, if you can call your father telling you that your not cut out to be able to cope emotionally with failure a heart to heart. Also note the Mr Shepard has a drink in hand.

On the island Sayid's and Sawyer's opinion of each just gets worse as one assume the other has taken and hidden the water whilst Jin and Sun briefly get caught in the middle. One wrestling match later and Sawyers successfully protests his innocence and it's probably fair to say he enjoyed the wresting Kate more than he did tumbling with Sayid. Lacking Jack (who's wondered off into the Jungle after what appears to be his dad) Kate and Sayid turn to Locke to help find water, something made more pressing by a fainting Claire. Locke gets that twinkle in his eye and strides off to find water in the jungle.

Already in the Jungle it's all getting a bit two rate horror movie as whirling cameras and a vanishing father finger are making life hard for Jack. So hard he comedy pratfalls over a overgrown ledge, comedy that is until he's left dangling from a very large cliff. Whilst he dangles lets us consider what we've learnt from the flashback; Jack's dad has done a runner and is very much a heavy drinker, this isn't the first time it's happened, father and son no longer speak and Jack has done something to his father to upset his mother. But what?

Just in the nick of time, hero of the moment Locke appears and pulls Jack to safety. The two men discuss why they out in the jungle, with Locke reassuring the good doctor he isn't going mad and needs to finish what he started because the island is special. Locke tells Jack that he needs to do this because leaders can't lead until they know where they are going. So we have the first real movements in the Jack/Locke dynamic and Locke's first outright statement that he believes the island is special.

After we discover Jack's dad is dead and the body was on the flight we follow him (that would be Jack not his dad) through the jungle where he finds a fresh water stream, the caves and his dad's coffin. A coffin which is empty.....
Turns out Boone stole the water so he could ration it out (his cunning plan rumbled when Charlie sees him trying to drown Claire, that at least is what pouring water down the throat of someone who is asleep at the time looks like to me). But just before Boone can have his pretty boy face smashed in Jack emerges from the jungle to declare he has found water and to deliver (one of many) an inspiring speech about working together to survive (but don't forget he's not the leader, ok?)
As we close Kate presses Jack for what he's being doing all day, in shock twist he actually tells her about his father although he does leave out the missing body part it of it out.

And that is pretty much it for this one. Of the smaller moments we have Micheal struggling to be a father for Walt, Charlie and Claire beginning to really bond ("Who packs 300 knives?") and seems that everyone is really, really good at fire building.
So we have minimal lying, the establishment of the caves, the question of why Jack really is seeing his dad, what Jack did in the past to piss his dad royally off and the growing sense that no-one is coming any time soon.

Monday 22 September 2008

Our Front Room Endorses..

Death Proof

Well, sort of. You see Tarantino's Death Proof (forming half of the Grindhouse failed experiment) is a film that doesn't actually quite work. But it has to be said even a failing Quentin Tarantino is much more interesting than a lot of guys getting it right.

Death Proof if you listen to the pitch is supposed to be a homage to the exploitation film of the 70's. Films that relied on gimmicks, violence, nudity or just plain being hilariously advertised as being something they won't. Now whilst Death Proof no doubt has some of the qualities (the 'death proof' car, a extended car chase and perhaps even the whiff of being sold as something it's not) you can't quite call it an exploitation film, it isn't quite a 'grindhouse' feature.

Now if you crossed say Death Race with Godard's A bout de souffle (aka Breathless) you'd come up with something like Death Proof. That is to say it's exploitation cinema filtered through the French New Wave. High octane action with little plot behind in mixed up with dialogues that don't serve storytelling just characterisation and that seem to just drift along. Thus we have the rollicking Vanishing Point style of the final twenty minutes alongside the near aimless round discussions of the girls in the cafe. (There's nothing more new wave than a cafe!).
Truth is Death Proof was never going to be a totally brainless exercise of throw-away action and bouncing booties (tho' Quentin ensures there is plenty of booty on show) like Rodriquez's Planet Terror. No more than Kill Bill was going to be a cut and dried Kung-Fu movie. IT was always going to come out as Quentin Tarantino presents his version of Grindhouse.

Looking at the film itself it's full of those trademarks you'd expect from the big chinned one; an eclectic soundtrack of old funk records, snappy exchanges, great little monologues and those carefully framed shots that manage to look fresh and classic at the same time.

This is backed up with Kurt Russel's Stuntman Mike who is a brilliant creation both of page and of performance, a cool calculating fiend with eye for the ladies and quality turns from the likes of Rosario Dawson, Mary Elizabeth Winstead and Vanessa Ferlito. And well, what Zoe Bell lacks in subtly she makes up for in enthusiasm.
Further credit has go to the stunt-team behind a truly exhilarating final third of the film as people hang from car bonnets and ol' fashioned muscle cars go to toe-to-toe down expressways and country lanes.

Now it is true that it is very much two films sliced together (that it might have worked much better following a classic stalk 'n' slash format), that it does for good periods just drift along not really going anywhere and that unless you go for Tarantino's style of writing it can be hard to take to the characters. (Though I am less convinced by those who argue QT can't write for women; why can't women (who mostly work in media industries) be culture vultures like a a blue collar gangster?)

Certainly true is the fact that film is misrepresented as a thrill-a-minute ride. It isn't. It's a segment of Four Rooms with a car chase at the end and a severed foot in the middle. It will divide people and even I admit it's not a total success and has problem. It is however as said much more interesting to spend an evening watching than John Carpenter Presents A John Carpenter film of John Carpenter's Vampire.

Plus on the bright it looks as though after just playing around for a decade it looks as though Tarantino may finally have decided to really nail down and make another proper film in the shape of 'Inglorious Bastards', a pet project since his video store days. It's already got an increasingly eclectic cast (could Mike Myers grab a Travolta style rejuvenation?) and with word on the grape vine that a leaked script is some of the Chin's best writing it all looks rather quite promising.

Still until take a look at Death Proof, you may not like it but at least you will react to it.