Sunday, 5 October 2008

Profile 5: Evil The Cat

EVIL THE CAT

Age: Either as old as evil, or as old as cats, though they may in fact be the same thing.

Eyes: Seven times more sensitive than yours, human.

Hair: Off white and meticulously groomed.

Turn-Ons: Punishing Hench-Rat; trying to destroy the entire universe.

Turn-Offs: Temporary setbacks; people asking what comes after the obliteration of all existence.

Nemesis: An earthworm in a suit. Alright, the suit is bad-ass, but c'mon, an earthworm? Constantly hampered by a mutant puppy that periodically attempts to kill him? I thought cats were supposed to be smart.

Luxury Items: Fireball gun, catnip, tape of elevator music.

Choice Of Minion: Hench-Rat, mainly because a team of rabid lawyers would cost too much on retainer. What Hench-Rat lacks in competence, he makes up for in maintenance fees. And expendability, frankly. Plenty more rats in the dump, though they may not all be wearing suits of cybernetic cheese.

The Supreme Avatar of Destruction needs no other name. Or clothes. Though some kitty litter and a scratching post would hit the spot, thanks. Evil the Cat is so relentlessly tough and villainous that only the total destruction of all reality will do. That's not even his job; it's a goddamn hobby. Whilst you and I collect stamps or go rambling, Evil the Cat considers how best to unmake all that exists. Well, either that, or he licks at his genitals for a while. Which in itself is pretty bad-ass, when you consider the damage his teeth could do. Self-spaying might sound funny, but it's a serious business.

This is no ordinary cat. This is the Alpha cat. This is the moggy that runs from dogs purely because he remembers where he's parked his Sherman tank. This is the cat Chuck Norris would have, assuming that Chuck had turned to the dark side and come into possession of a large quantity of Whiskas Gravy Chicken. If this furious feline has a weakness, it's that even the most temporary of alliances will be difficult to forge when destroying the metaverse is your stated intent.

Also, balls of wool. This kitty is a sucker for balls of wool. Wook at him pwaying wiv it! Awwwww!

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