If you haven't, you should..

watch The Wire!

The Wire is probably the best drama series to hit television in a very, very long time (only Six Feet Under comes close for me) and you really should seek it out and watch. But don't expect any quick hit action, stick with it for three or four episodes and it will draw you in completely because this ladies and gentlemen is the great American novel born straight onto the televising screen.

Below is the very first scene and a scene from the first series that perfectly showcases why The Wire is a hundred times smarter than any of it's contemporaries, watch these then get your backsides down to the shop and get those boxsets.

How it all begins...



Playing chess...


Our Front Room Endorses The Wire to the very highest degree.

R.Tv.O.R.F

Another tune from the airwaves and interwebwaves of R.Tv.O.R.F...





What you get when you mix the Detroit pains of Eminem and the Yorkshire honesty of Embrace and strangely it works really well

Lost Watch

Episode 6 : House Of The Rising Sun

This week we are Jin and Sun centric for the flashback backbone of the episode but begin with some great comedy from Charlie as he accuses Jack and Kate of "verbally copulating" and observes that "the great white hunter" is getting restless waiting for the expedition to collect water to start.

A quick bit of establishing that Sun and Jin are isolated by the group latter and Jin has jumped Micheal without explanation and is trying to drown him in the sea, he's doing pretty well until the justice squad of Sayid and Sawyer arrive to restore the peace.

Back in the (Korean) day we have Jin the waiter wanting to marry IT girl Jin, deciding things must be done properly he refuses to elope with Sun and goes to her father to request his permission; he ends up working for Sun's father in return.

Jack, Kate, Charlie and Locke reach the caves and begin collecting the water. Jack rather ironically asks Charlie to search for drugs amongst some more wreckage he's found; Charlie twitches and tries to sneak off to chase the dragon but Locke won't let him out of his sight, the 'ol dog knows something is up.

The budget is then thrown to the skies for the inclusion of a swarm of CGI bees (presumable hard to get Bees to do what you want) has Charlie disturbs a grounded Bee-hive, correctly pointing out if he could pull himself together it would be an irrational fear of bees that has traumatised him so. To offset this spending things are sexed as Kate feels the need to remove her shirt for the occasion.

Half naked Kate then discovers some bodies in the cave who have been then for quite some time, an Adam and Eve as Jack observes. Who are they? How did they get there?

Flashing back we see how Sun and Jin have been driven apart by the work he does for her father, he works all hours and has developed a temper. It become apparent his job description is 'Hired Goon' when he comes home covered in blood which quite clearly isn't his. This leads onto Sun planning to escape her life and learning English in secret to make it possible.

On the island Jack decides the gang should set up in the caves instead of the beech but opinion is split and eventually half go to the caves and half stay with the crucial dramatic turn being the fact that Kate stays on the beech breaking up her doe eyed duo with the dashing doc.

Elsewhere it turns out Jin has gone ape-sh*t over a watch Micheal has salvaged on the beach (quite uninspiring really), Locke gets Charlie to give up his drugs and manages to reconnect the former hobbit happily with his guitar, we hear Micheal's number one priority is to get Walt off the island (this people will be significant later) and Locke once demonstrates his faith in the island.

As we draw to a close in the days gone by Sun finds she is unable to walk away from her husband once the opportunity arises. So we have a bit more on hour Korean heroes (Jin does not know Sun can speak English) the survivors have split into two distinct groups in the caves and on the beach and the small little lies elsewhere are building up (Jack does not know yet about any the signal or any previous inhabitants for example).

Something Wicked This Way Comes

It seems from playing The Force Unleashed that filling a Jawa with lightening until it's about to explode and then flinging it at the nearest group of hapless Stormtroopers is not something that's likely to get old any time soon.

Yes indeed the game is full of amusing moments like this; people sucked out of windows into space (following after the deck office you used to break it in the first place), poor scavengers desperately clinging to any ledge they can grasp as you bounce them like a ball, Wookies slammed into trees until the tree falls onto them, AT-ST crushed ready to be thrown into the nearest recycling bin and that's nothing compared to what you levels you go to rearrange the faces of the Jedi you hunt down.

Then you pull a Star Destroyer out of orbit.

Now this is all good fun but it has to be said the much trumpeted storyline that bridges the two sets of films isn't all that. Now there's nothing wrong with the characters involved (the Kato like droid is a particular highlight) but rather the fact that the Emperor's dastardly plan makes no sense at all.

It also seems odd that Vader wastes the chance to overthrow his master. Why does the most powerful Jedi yet known (remember than midi-chlorian stuff?) not take the chance to take down the old man with the aid of a man who pulls Star Destroyers out of orbit for kicks? It seems a strange decision at best.

Still it's a entertaining way to pass a few hours even if it makes you wonder why someone who basically bitch-slaps Vader and the Emperor by the end is never mentioned by anyone not even a few years later. You'd think people would remember that kind of thing. Maybe pass a few pointers to Luke.

Lost Watch

Episode 5 : White Rabbit.

Spoilers rules as before.

This time it's Jack first turn centre stage. We open a young Jack taking a beating for standing up to bullies, even as a kid he was a Dudley-do-right we just can't help himself. Flash back to the island and within seconds Jack "I'm no hero" Shepard is diving into the sea to save a flailing swimmer.

Dramatic moments later and he surfaces pulling poor young Boone to the surface with him, phew, day saved, everyone happy, but then.."Did you get her?" splutters the lad and ladies and gentlemen Lost has killed again. Yep, following the crash (obviously) we have already lost the pilot, the Marshall and now a random woman is thrown to the sea by the writers. The Island is truly a dangerous place , even more so if you don't have a name at this stage. Let us hope no one is fool hardy enough to wear a red shirt too.

As Jack berates himself for failing to save said lass we get our first proper day count, six days and there appears to be a man in a suit wading in the sea. Or is Jack just mad? Meanwhile Sawyer is bartering as usual and finding the time to nickname Shannon as 'Sticks' ('cos of the legs you see. Mind they are quite impressive, he's right).

Next, it's panicky stations for Charlie and Hurley as they find the water supplies are running low and run over to Jack to bombard with questions and requests to be told what to do about it. Jack throws a 'I'm not in charge' strop - this is one of many more to come.

Back to the past and Kid Jack is having a heart to heart with his father, well, if you can call your father telling you that your not cut out to be able to cope emotionally with failure a heart to heart. Also note the Mr Shepard has a drink in hand.

On the island Sayid's and Sawyer's opinion of each just gets worse as one assume the other has taken and hidden the water whilst Jin and Sun briefly get caught in the middle. One wrestling match later and Sawyers successfully protests his innocence and it's probably fair to say he enjoyed the wresting Kate more than he did tumbling with Sayid. Lacking Jack (who's wondered off into the Jungle after what appears to be his dad) Kate and Sayid turn to Locke to help find water, something made more pressing by a fainting Claire. Locke gets that twinkle in his eye and strides off to find water in the jungle.

Already in the Jungle it's all getting a bit two rate horror movie as whirling cameras and a vanishing father finger are making life hard for Jack. So hard he comedy pratfalls over a overgrown ledge, comedy that is until he's left dangling from a very large cliff. Whilst he dangles lets us consider what we've learnt from the flashback; Jack's dad has done a runner and is very much a heavy drinker, this isn't the first time it's happened, father and son no longer speak and Jack has done something to his father to upset his mother. But what?

Just in the nick of time, hero of the moment Locke appears and pulls Jack to safety. The two men discuss why they out in the jungle, with Locke reassuring the good doctor he isn't going mad and needs to finish what he started because the island is special. Locke tells Jack that he needs to do this because leaders can't lead until they know where they are going. So we have the first real movements in the Jack/Locke dynamic and Locke's first outright statement that he believes the island is special.

After we discover Jack's dad is dead and the body was on the flight we follow him (that would be Jack not his dad) through the jungle where he finds a fresh water stream, the caves and his dad's coffin. A coffin which is empty.....

Turns out Boone stole the water so he could ration it out (his cunning plan rumbled when Charlie sees him trying to drown Claire, that at least is what pouring water down the throat of someone who is asleep at the time looks like to me). But just before Boone can have his pretty boy face smashed in Jack emerges from the jungle to declare he has found water and to deliver (one of many) an inspiring speech about working together to survive (but don't forget he's not the leader, ok?)

As we close Kate presses Jack for what he's being doing all day, in shock twist he actually tells her about his father although he does leave out the missing body part it of it out.

And that is pretty much it for this one. Of the smaller moments we have Micheal struggling to be a father for Walt, Charlie and Claire beginning to really bond ("Who packs 300 knives?") and seems that everyone is really, really good at fire building.

So we have minimal lying, the establishment of the caves, the question of why Jack really is seeing his dad, what Jack did in the past to piss his dad royally off and the growing sense that no-one is coming any time soon.

Our Front Room Endorses..

Death Proof

Well, sort of. You see Tarantino's Death Proof (forming half of the Grindhouse failed experiment) is a film that doesn't actually quite work. But it has to be said even a failing Quentin Tarantino is much more interesting than a lot of guys getting it right.

Death Proof if you listen to the pitch is supposed to be a homage to the exploitation film of the 70's. Films that relied on gimmicks, violence, nudity or just plain being hilariously advertised as being something they won't. Now whilst Death Proof no doubt has some of the qualities (the 'death proof' car, a extended car chase and perhaps even the whiff of being sold as something it's not) you can't quite call it an exploitation film, it isn't quite a 'grindhouse' feature.

Now if you crossed say Death Race with Godard's A bout de souffle (aka Breathless) you'd come up with something like Death Proof. That is to say it's exploitation cinema filtered through the French New Wave. High octane action with little plot behind in mixed up with dialogues that don't serve storytelling just characterisation and that seem to just drift along. Thus we have the rollicking Vanishing Point style of the final twenty minutes alongside the near aimless round discussions of the girls in the cafe. (There's nothing more new wave than a cafe!).

Truth is Death Proof was never going to be a totally brainless exercise of throw-away action and bouncing booties (tho' Quentin ensures there is plenty of booty on show) like Rodriquez's Planet Terror. No more than Kill Bill was going to be a cut and dried Kung-Fu movie. IT was always going to come out as Quentin Tarantino presents his version of Grindhouse.

Looking at the film itself it's full of those trademarks you'd expect from the big chinned one; an eclectic soundtrack of old funk records, snappy exchanges, great little monologues and those carefully framed shots that manage to look fresh and classic at the same time.

This is backed up with Kurt Russel's Stuntman Mike who is a brilliant creation both of page and of performance, a cool calculating fiend with eye for the ladies and quality turns from the likes of Rosario Dawson, Mary Elizabeth Winstead and Vanessa Ferlito. And well, what Zoe Bell lacks in subtly she makes up for in enthusiasm.

Further credit has go to the stunt-team behind a truly exhilarating final third of the film as people hang from car bonnets and ol' fashioned muscle cars go to toe-to-toe down expressways and country lanes.

Now it is true that it is very much two films sliced together (that it might have worked much better following a classic stalk 'n' slash format), that it does for good periods just drift along not really going anywhere and that unless you go for Tarantino's style of writing it can be hard to take to the characters. (Though I am less convinced by those who argue QT can't write for women; why can't women (who mostly work in media industries) be culture vultures like a a blue collar gangster?)

Certainly true is the fact that film is misrepresented as a thrill-a-minute ride. It isn't. It's a segment of Four Rooms with a car chase at the end and a severed foot in the middle. It will divide people and even I admit it's not a total success and has problem. It is however as said much more interesting to spend an evening watching than John Carpenter Presents A John Carpenter film of John Carpenter's Vampire.

Plus on the bright it looks as though after just playing around for a decade it looks as though Tarantino may finally have decided to really nail down and make another proper film in the shape of 'Inglorious Bastards', a pet project since his video store days. It's already got an increasingly eclectic cast (could Mike Myers grab a Travolta style rejuvenation?) and with word on the grape vine that a leaked script is some of the Chin's best writing it all looks rather quite promising.

Still until take a look at Death Proof, you may not like it but at least you will react to it.

In a rare bit of excitment...

..I'm actually looking forward to something on television with great anticipation. Actually ever rarer two things.

Tomorrow sees the end of The Wire in a extended length special and tonight is the end of Dexter's 2nd season, which in a rare move I have little idea of idea it's going to resolve itself. Many theories certainly but nothing that seems right.

Oh, the excitement.



Oh and NCIS is rubbish.

Lost Watch

Episode 4 : Walkabout

You now the drill by now, this will spoil the actual episode but not too much else.

It's Locke! Here we go with probably my favourite character in the whole enterprise, John Locke. Up until not he hasn't really done anything but stand looking mysterious and give Micheal bad vibes when Walt hangs out with him. This week he takes center stage as the flashback is his and we get to see him actually interacting with the other Losties on the island.

The first real excitement of the week comes when rustling and knocking sounds creep out Vincent and thanks to his incessant barking everyone else shortly afterward, Defacto Jack immediately jumps to the obvious conclusion; Sawyer is rooting around like a rag and bone man on a mission again. A excellent theory sadly blow away seconds later as Sawyer grumps "Right behind you, jack ass" from half foot away. I know it was dark but c'mon, did Jack lose his glasses or something.

Turns out its a pack of wild boars. Razorbacks as Locke notes but significantly scarier than the Sunnydale High version. Due to the impending food shortage (at least partially blamed on Hurley by everyone's favourite redneck) Locke decides to hunt the boars, taking Micheal and (the ever volunteering) Kate with him after demonstrating his position as 'King Of The Knives' thanks to a piece of knife throwing show offery and the feck off giant case of knives he apparently took with him on holiday.

Suffice to say it doesn't go brilliantly well as Micheal gets gored, Kate falls out of a tree and Locke comes face to face with the terrible monster of the jungle. Although upon coming face to face with it Locke smiles gently to himself instead of screaming and running and then screaming again like all those other wet blankets.

Over in flashback land we see Locke toiling under the biggest jerk of a boss you could find as he just tries to play a game of a Axis & Allies style game with his geeky workmate over lunchtime. Then we see him speaking to Helen who we have been led to believe is his girlfriend; she is in fact a sex line worker who is getting increasingly freaked by the guy who just talks about how his day went. Finally we see him having argument with a tour operator who won't let him take part in a Walkabout holiday he has been looking forward to for months.

At this point note in the flashback we have only seen John sitting down, as gasp, the camera pulls back to reveal him in a wheelchair. This is the key significance of the flashback but also please note he already keeps talking about his destiny and "don't tell what I can't do' is a recurring motif"

Meanwhile amongst the rest of the gang; Sayid is building a transceiver thingy to track the french signal with Kate's aid, Shannon flashes her eyelids and those legs of her at Charlie to get him to fish for her. Charlie then gets Hurley to fish for him (in the first of the comedy double act scenes) to fish for her. Rose and Jack bond on the beach.

After four days it's decided the remaining bodies in the fuselage should be burnt to avoid both the smell and their consumption by boar. Claire holds a service of remembrance in front of the fire, it's all very touching. Especially when she reads out some-ones video shot returns list.

Sun makes toothpaste, Jin is nowhere to be scene, Boone gets a little too into spooning with his sister and Sayid comes over all MacGuyver to build his tracking device. Plus Jack starts to see a strange man in a suit walking into the jungle.

Lie wise we have Sayid secrecy about the signal and what he is making, but the biggy this week is Locke denying he saw the creature despite looking right at it.

So there we go, tiny, tiny movement on the bigger mysteries built so far with the question of Locke's recovery thrown in but a solid episode thanks to, well, the awesomeness of Locke, nice comedy from Sawyer and the actually quite touching scenes with Jack and Rose.

Lost Watch

Episode 3 : Tabula Rasa

Again a level of spoilerage is involved if you haven't seen the actual episode before but I don't give away anything shockingly momentous here.

Onto the series proper and the winner of the first proper flashback award goes to Kate as this week we see her ply her feminine whiles on a poor defenseless farmer with a false arm. (At this point it's interesting to note they couldn't decide if they should going into and coming out of a flashback it seems as they try a couple of times here) In truth not much happens in said flashback ; Kate sleeps in a barn, agrees to work farm, tries to leave, farmer tries to turn her in, she crashes a car. Sounds like a lot, but not really.

Meanwhile on the island our minx is starting to drive the boys crazy, instructing Sawyer to "put his gun back in his pants" (though at this point she literally means gun) as he cunningly nicknames her 'Freckles' despite the distinct lack of freckles on the woman. The lass also keeps bonding with Mr. Defacto Jack. Well, we say bond, we mean lie to, tell half truths to and generally confuse the poor guy. Having said that he brings it on himself telling her he doesn't want to know what she did to get pursued across the planet by a federal Marshall ( he doesn't even ask why her mugshot looks like a glamour photo session). So the mystery of her crime remains. Oh, what could it be? Seriously if these two actually communicated with each other things would go a lot smoother.

Elsewhere Sawyer's hoarding of things begins a pace as he rifles through the fuselage (which is soon to seemingly disappear) to claim the vitals; booze, ciggies, porn. Before he ineptly shoots the Marshall in the chest in an attempt to put him out of misery. (wouldn't you aim for his head maybe?) Credit for the attempt tho'

The cuteness that is Charlie and Claire gets off to a flying start around luggage and an abandoned wheelchair (whose could it be?) and is hammered home in the closing montage - which if memory recalls was something of a cliche for the first few episodes.

Walt gets Vincent the dog back (perhaps one of the smartest on the island that animal) when Micheal 'finds' him with the assistance of Locke, who at this point is something of a loner and truly perfecting looking mysteriously into the middle distance, what is his miracle he's described to Walt?(in fact the closing montage closes on Locke doing such a thing with a splash of threat music, a bit odd really)

Also Jin manages not to be a jerk for about five seconds and Sun accidental flashes Micheal.

And the en-mass lying begins as Sayid refuses to tell anyone else about the french signal.

Outside the window...

...no expense spared

Lost Watch

In the first of what may or may not be a regular series of posting I'm going to waffle on about the pilot of Lost. This obviously will contain spoilage for those of you who have not seen and care enough not to know what happens in it yet.

Now, Lost is a TV show I really like because it comes across like a crazy mix of character driven drama and a twilight zone story that has been plotted by crazy guy scribbling on the wall... in the dark. For some reason this mix really works on me and has kept stuck to the thing like glue.

Recently I acquired the first series on DVD as part of a notion that if I watch it all within a relatively short space of time I'll be able to keep track of some of the more esoteric parts of what the hell is going on.

Even just watching the two pilot episodes confirm that this is probably correct. What also makes it interesting is being armed with fore knowledge and thus not only feeling smug that you what is going to happen to people but also being able to spot where things are starting to be laid out. (The radio message that leads to Rousseau who leads to...)

Of course this being the pilot we are given time with what will be our main characters. Jack takes charge from the start (helping others, getting others to help others) so it's no surprise that he ends up defacto leader of the group. And it is he along with Kate that really are the main two leads in the show at this stage (the pair of them being on screen far more than any of the others) as run from monsters, climb cockpits, scale mountains and undertaken Deliverance style surgery.

Elsewhere it's something of a surprise to realises how much of tool Jin is and how timid Sun is considering how he goes on to be The Man on more than one occasion and she becomes really quite the confident one (she must learn bad habits from all those western women around her!).

Sawyer, the ladies favourite, doesn't appear for at least an hour then becomes the first person to fire a gun and begins the process of nicknaming everyone. Meanwhile Locke sits around a lot apparently still confused by the fact he can walk before having one mysterious line about telling Walt a secret.

Walt, by the way is just a whiny a child at this time and Micheal his whiny father.
There is also Shannon and Boone who'd I'd almost forgotten totally about but i suspect these two might be much more interesting second time round as I'm sure some of the back story ties up with the others but can't quite remember that.

I also forgot that Charlie used to be a junkie and his comedy partnership with Hurley has not yet begun.

Plot wise so far we have the crash (obviously), the jungle monster, random polar bears, Kate's unknown criminality, the strange repeating french signal message, no chance of rescue since no-one knows where they are and Claire is still pregnant.

I think this is going to be fun and I shall endeavour to do episode updates and hopefully witty observations as I go.

Below is a cool recap of series one to three in eight minutes for those of you who want to cheat and watch the equivalent of the CliffsNotes.

R.Tv.O.R.F

Half inching the idea from my Euro colleague, I present the first instalment of Radio Tv Our Front Room :

Michael Bay presents...

...Lewis Hamilton

In a sensational move after last weeks debacle at the Belgian Gran Prix a frustrated McClaren team are to appoint Hollywood director Michael Bay as team principle.

The new team leader has vowed to pursue the world title by all means possible, promising that no expense will be spared in the pursuit of glory. To this end Lewis Hamilton's car will now be fitted with specialist anti-Ferrari technology. Technology which will cause a lot of explosions and fireballs, pyrotechnics designed to be so impressive that all other drivers will slow to admire them and have a cheeky look to see if they can spot anything grim in the resulting accidents.

Hamilton is said to be thrilled by the team's new direction and can not wait to test out his new car which as he says "Makes KITT look like my grandmother's Skoda runaround!". Unconfirmed reports also suggest that the team will unveil a new second driver in the form of Decepticon 'Barricade' to add some 'aggression' to the team's racing style.

Stargate : SG-2, er, we mean Atlantis

What do you get when you create a spin-off from one of the world's most successful Sci-Fi shows? Well, if the starting show in question is Stargate-Sg1 turns out what you get is something of a rather bland series that occasionally has flashes of top notch story telling.

That show is Stargate : Atlantis. After five years Atlantis is to be cancelled, news that was met not with outrage and surprise but rather with shrugs and murmurs about it probably being about time.

The main problem here was that the show failed to ever really stamp a real identity of it's own, it always seemed like Sg-1's little brother always anxious for attention. In fact the template was so similar despite the differing galaxies to it's parent show that you could be forgive for not realising which one you were watching.

For example the Wraith were a similar threat to the G'ould for a long time and just as they began to really become distinct they suddenly got sidelined in favour of the uninspired machinations of a new race of Replicators. Thank goodness then for Micheal, who fulfills the role of nemesis with aplomb even if he has become saddled with a tiresome quest for a tiresome woman's baby.

The inclusion, under-use and subsequent removal of Carter highlights Atlantis shoe shuffling as it tried to strike out by itself now it's parent was feet up in repeat retirement land. Although the swap for Wosely seems promising, you can't help but feel that he two will fade into the background.

If not for the banter between McKay and Shepard it's more than likely that the show would have been cancelled a long time ago, but their constant interplay does often serve to undermine the action and drama. We never genuinely believe it they are in danger, at all.

Elsewhere Teyla is just plain dull, Dr Carson has been cruelly frozen, Dr Kellar will never now get time to really develop (tho' Miss Staite is a welcome face on the cast!), Forrest never did develop and vanished just as he threatened to get interesting and Ronan is Teal'c with a different haircut.

So with Atlantis on the way out what do we have next? We have the incoming Stargate : Universe, which from the details release sounds very much like (worryingly so in fact) Stargate does Voyager. Who thought they could come up with a concept that makes TimeGate sound like a good idea.

Fun In The Pool

Our hero and his witless foil take time out from their busy drinking schedules to hit the swimming pool for some manly exercising.

SS: I'm sick of this pool. There's never any action. Maybe we should try the new leisure centre they've opened.
C: We should have gone when it was doing that promotion and a swim was 5p.
SS: And have ourselves crushed to death by hundreds of tight-wad fatties fooling themselves that they're turning over a new leaf when really they're just disgusting me with their cellulite and their jiggling?
C: You don't want to see fat people swimming? Thank God this pool isn't mirrored.
SS: I don't want to see anyone swimming, to tell you the truth. I wouldn't bring you along if the people who ran this place would let me in unsupervised.
C: Have you considered anything as radical as just closing your eyes?
SS: I don't want to not see people. I want to see no people.
C: I don't understand the difference.
SS: Imagine my surprise.
C: What if everyone agreed to swim behind you?
SS: I also want to hear no people.
C: What if they were all ninjas?
SS: What the hell are ninjas doing in our new leisure centre?
C: We could hire them.
SS: Hire ninjas? To fill a swimming pool? That can't be economically viable, surely?
C: I guess that's a good point. Maybe pirates would be cheaper.
SS: Not really known for their stealth, though, are they? Mainly it's all raping and pillaging and "With a yo-ho-ho". It isn't really the silent death that comes in the night, y'know?
C: Yes, but if we hire pirates then ninjas will automatically gravitate towards the pool, in order to give battle to their ancient enemy.
SS: So now I'm swimming in the middle of a pitched battle between pirates and ninjas? It sounds pretty dangerous.
C: What if we kill the pirates ahead of time?
SS: So we're inviting the ninjas to come to the funeral? In the local pool?
C: Of course not. We just fill the pool with the pirates' blood. Then the ninjas will be paying us so that they can bathe in their hated foes' vital fluids.
SS: So, just to review. You want to fill a swimming pool with pirate blood, and have me swim in it, hoping that ninjas will join me in order to bathe in their enemies internal juices, but that they'll swim silently and always behind me so that I won't notice them?
C: What could possibly go wrong?
SS: Wouldn't the blood coagulate?
C: Only in the same sense that custard would.
SS: That makes no sense but I don't think I want further details. Anyway, my main problem is that having that many ninjas in one place is just an invitation for another ninja in a different coloured costume to show up and then beat the crap out of them all. You've setting me up to be an obstacle in an Eighties sideways-scrolling beat 'em up. Why would I want to take that chance?
C: No fatties?
SS: SOLD!

Our hero departs to swim a length that breaks the world record and makes all women everywhere swoon at the very mention of his name.

Profile 4 : The Sheriff of Nottingham

THE SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM

Age: Mid-forties.

Eyes: Shifty.

Hair: Greasy.

Religion: Satanism (Masquerade Ball Chapter).

Is Pleased By: Deposing kings, setting stuff on fire, a strict timetabling system for visiting hookers.

Is Vexed By: Vigilantes, large stitches, Brian Blessed.

Luxury Items: A sword, a spoon, a spork (just in case), Grabthar‘s Hammer (due to a clerical error)

Choice Of Minion: The witless yet eager-to-please Guy of Gisbourne, who might just get lucky and be murdered by someone else before the Sheriff can get round to it.

The most bad-ass pantomime villain the Twelfth Century ever produced. This guy will mess you up, and he’ll do it with any damn cutlery piece he pleases. Then, just for kicks, he’ll cancel Jesus’ birthday. Because he can. This is a man who will take on Sean Connery, for God’s sake. Admittedly, he’ll wait until Connery’s in another country first, but the guy used to be James Bond, you can’t fault Mr Of Nottingham for showing a little caution.

The Sheriff’s attention to detail and all-round wiliness may make him a formidable player in the game. His biggest weaknesses though lie in an incompetent henchman, a lack of special powers, and the possibility that he will go into an extended sulk once he realises the basement no longer contains a malignant witch, only a hoover that he will expected to use to clean the living room with on alternate Wednesdays.

Profile 3 : Agent Smith

AGENT SMITH

Age: Unknown.
Eyes: Green machine code.
Hair: Slicked back machine code style
Body Type: Lithe

Turn-Ons: Sharp suits, designer sunglasses, eliminating rogue software.

Turn-Offs: The acrid stench of humanity, hard line telephones, surfer dudes

Nemesis: Neo a.k.a 'The One' a.k.a "Dude where's my revolution?" Once a lowly software programmer now the idiot saviour of humanity. Whilst still only human he has learnt to push the boundaries of the matrix itself. He flies, fights and struts like a hero should. Ironically it was his interference that has set Smith free.

Luxury Items: Twelve pairs of Ray-bans, a broken ear piece, a portable DVD player with a copy of Multiplicity

Choice Of Minion: Agent Smith. Or rather another Agent Smith. Able to replicate himself but overwriting the code of other's Smith has chosen to copy over a poor production runner and create a second 'him' to take with him. After all the best about being him is there are so many of him.

Agent Smith is basically a virus removal programme within The Matrix, he exists to remove and delete malfunctioning programmes and remove pesky viruses from the system such as humans who have broken free of their mental prisons.

After a long pursuit of Morpheus Smith though he finally has his man only for Neo to load up with guns, lots of guns and spoil the torture party. During the confrontation Smith was exploded from the inside by the upstart Mr Anderson and found himself undergoing something of an epiphany when being reinstalled to the system. Now with new found vigour he is looking to finally show the world what he is capable of and be recognised everywhere he goes - largely by the fact that everywhere he goes everyone will be him.