Fun In The Pool

Our hero and his witless foil take time out from their busy drinking schedules to hit the swimming pool for some manly exercising.

SS: I'm sick of this pool. There's never any action. Maybe we should try the new leisure centre they've opened.
C: We should have gone when it was doing that promotion and a swim was 5p.
SS: And have ourselves crushed to death by hundreds of tight-wad fatties fooling themselves that they're turning over a new leaf when really they're just disgusting me with their cellulite and their jiggling?
C: You don't want to see fat people swimming? Thank God this pool isn't mirrored.
SS: I don't want to see anyone swimming, to tell you the truth. I wouldn't bring you along if the people who ran this place would let me in unsupervised.
C: Have you considered anything as radical as just closing your eyes?
SS: I don't want to not see people. I want to see no people.
C: I don't understand the difference.
SS: Imagine my surprise.
C: What if everyone agreed to swim behind you?
SS: I also want to hear no people.
C: What if they were all ninjas?
SS: What the hell are ninjas doing in our new leisure centre?
C: We could hire them.
SS: Hire ninjas? To fill a swimming pool? That can't be economically viable, surely?
C: I guess that's a good point. Maybe pirates would be cheaper.
SS: Not really known for their stealth, though, are they? Mainly it's all raping and pillaging and "With a yo-ho-ho". It isn't really the silent death that comes in the night, y'know?
C: Yes, but if we hire pirates then ninjas will automatically gravitate towards the pool, in order to give battle to their ancient enemy.
SS: So now I'm swimming in the middle of a pitched battle between pirates and ninjas? It sounds pretty dangerous.
C: What if we kill the pirates ahead of time?
SS: So we're inviting the ninjas to come to the funeral? In the local pool?
C: Of course not. We just fill the pool with the pirates' blood. Then the ninjas will be paying us so that they can bathe in their hated foes' vital fluids.
SS: So, just to review. You want to fill a swimming pool with pirate blood, and have me swim in it, hoping that ninjas will join me in order to bathe in their enemies internal juices, but that they'll swim silently and always behind me so that I won't notice them?
C: What could possibly go wrong?
SS: Wouldn't the blood coagulate?
C: Only in the same sense that custard would.
SS: That makes no sense but I don't think I want further details. Anyway, my main problem is that having that many ninjas in one place is just an invitation for another ninja in a different coloured costume to show up and then beat the crap out of them all. You've setting me up to be an obstacle in an Eighties sideways-scrolling beat 'em up. Why would I want to take that chance?
C: No fatties?
SS: SOLD!

Our hero departs to swim a length that breaks the world record and makes all women everywhere swoon at the very mention of his name.