Profile 9: Doctor Robotnik

Age: Keeps telling everyone he's in his mid thirties.

Eyes: Stolen from Gambit, oddly, though sometimes he hides them behind gnarly shades.

Hair: Bald head and ginger beard. Hard to tell which is the greater fashion crime.

Girth: Ample, and then some. Frequently seen in a bewildering array hideously beweaponed anti-gravity pods that would probably be more destructive were they not forced to hold his ludicrous frame.

Turn Ons: Building robots; trapping animals inside robots; using robots to annex islands with strangely partitioned geography.

Turn Offs: Pretanaturally agile insectivores; airborne vulpines; having his name changed when he's not looking.

Nemesis: A hedgehog with ADHD and kleptomaniac tendencies. Frankly, any supergenius who builds robots insufficiently sturdy to repel attacks from undergrowth-dwelling spined mammals isn't worthy of the title.

Luxury Items: Four dozen Mechano sets and seven pyschotic bunny rabbits.

Minion: An oversized robot crab piloted by a sociopathic baby seal named Larry.

A mad doctor truly worthy of the name. It's one thing to imagine an endless horde of sadistic robots trampling the world beneath their treads, but it's quite another to bring your sick vision to fruition by using helpless animals as batteries. Which of us can honestly say they've never stared at a mewling kitten or chirping bluebird and not thought "I could totally just stick that inside a giant killer robotic centipede and use it to conquer Green Hill Zone."?

No-one. That's what I thought.

Doctor Robotnik is a real potential contender in the Big Evil house, but he will have to bide his time, as until he assembles his unstoppable army of killer droids, he's essentially just a fat man with a faintly suspicious interest in children's playsets.

Our Front Room Endorses

'Say Anything' - To know Lloyd Dobler is to love him. Diane Court is about to know Lloyd Dobler

A quintessential 80's teen comedy, with two things that make it stand out from the crowd; Cameron Crowe's intelligent and warm emotionally developed script and the sheer charisma and likability of John Cusack as Lloyd Dobler.

It follows Lloyd as he romances Diane over the last summer after school, only Lloyd is directionless and Diane is setting her sights high. Meanwhile Diane's dad finds himself desperately trying to hide his crippling financial situation from his daughter.

Filled with wit and warmth 'Say Anything' is pretty much the teenage rom-com perfected equally charming all ages and not reliant on the crass humour and single note characterisations of many of it's like in the genre. It even has the smarts to avoid a neat , bow-tied ending. You can pick it up these days for a fiver, so it's heartily recommended, nay, endorsed!

Excuses

Well, November is proving to be a bit rubbish isn't it folks? Firstly I shall blame the switch to a new computer with Vista making setting my internet back something of bore and a chore. (grrrr)

Second to this I shall blame being lazy which in turn I blame indirectly on the fact it's darker than the cold dead heart of my colleague Squid outside for about 15 hours a day now.

On a side not, while I still believe 'You Only Live Twice' is the best Bond film by a considerable distance re-watching it recently you can't help but think, 'My, god they'd never get away with this now'. You see the depiction of the Japanese is er to put it kindly, 'stereotyped'. Let's not even mention the part where they Oriental-up Bond himself!

Still, internet connection should (hopefully) be sorted by the end of the week so things in theory will pick up.

Profile 8: Sauron

Age: Got to see Middle Earth get slapped together. Demands for "Less elves and poncing, more werewolves and ripping things" went tragically unheeded.

Eyes: Only needs the one. This dude is too bad-ass to need depth perception.

Hair: Probably not.

Helmet: Needlessly spiky.

Turn-Ons: Bling; placing his soul within bling; sending other, less blinged-up malevolent spirits to get his bling back for him.

Turn-Offs: Constantly losing his bling whenever he has his hands chopped off by mortal kings, or sometimes when doing the washing-up.

Nemesis: Unwashed, greasy-haired bums demanding to be considered royalty; being beaten by midgets too damn stupid to have developed the technology necessary for creating socks.

Luxury Items: Magnifying glass ("I can see you!"); replica of the One Ring he bought off e-bay from an overweight single man named "Arwen'sDream69."

Choice of Minion: Wanted a Ring-Wraith, but due to a clerical error has been forced to settle instead for a solitary orc, Hargrat "Larry" Bloodgut.

As one of the race of beings that watched the world be formed, and later chose to use it as their personal playground, Sauron is not the sort of immortal demi-God one would wish to spill the pint of. This is a guy who used to use werewolves and vampires as foot troops. You remember that huge great bat-lion of molten lava who almost did for Gandalf? That guy was a lieutenant. He had to answer to his captain, who was presumably a fifty-foot tall half shark, half-dragon made of razorblades and boiling acid.

True, Sauron may no longer be entirely on top of his game, what with the armies of the Free People's constantly marching across Pelennor Fields so as to ruin his shit, but even in his weakened state, his ability to turn his enemies against each other will make him a tough opponent to beat.

Unless Avon finds out he's East Side, obviously. Then some homie gonna get punked, feel me?

Yes, yes, I know...

..the promised updates for the Lost Watch are M.i.A, that posts in general are hitting the endangered list and the big evil seems to have gone into hibernation. But I do have important things to do you know, well..

I have to play through Far Cry 2, Gears Of War 2, Call Of Duty : World At War and fight Football Manager 2009's installation protection. So, you know, important stuff needs to be done.

I plan to be witty and urbane in blog form as soon as I get a good foot hold on the killin' people.

No Respect For The Dead

SpaceSquid and C are changing following their calisthenics programme, which is very manly and makes women love them. Our awesome masculinity is marred, however, by the sudden arrival of rubbishy classical music.

SS: Why the Hell are they piping this crap through in here?

C: You have an objection to Handel?

SS: I'm just uncomfortable listening to him while I take my clothes off. I feel like I'm in a Stanley Kubrik film.

C: You have an objection to Kubrick too?

SS: Are you kidding? If I end up in his oeuvre I'll be bored senseless, and possibly hacked up with an axe.

C: Maybe the axing will come as some sort of relief. Unless Kubrik does ghosts. Does Kubrik do ghosts?

SS: In The Shining, yeah. I like that you didn't know that but you haven't questioned that whole axe thing. What's your point?

C: That you'll spend eternity haunting a Kubrik film.

SS: Ah, Christ; you're right. I hope it's Full Metal Jacket. That's only half total shit.

C: I couldn't interest you in 2001? You could freak out the apes.

SS: Pffft. I can't help thinking prehistoric primates wouldn't fully appreciate the terror of being visited by a furious ghost from the distant future.

C: Erm, the orgy scene in Eyes Wide Shut?

SS: Sigh. I guess that's the best I can hope for. Sold.

Our Political Expert Speaks

Now that the election is safely in the bag, and the senior senator from Arizona returned to his coffin to await the next Time of Blood, it should be OK to discuss the various ways that McThuselah could have taken the Oval, if only he'd thought outside the box for more things than who to replace him under the eventuality that his maggot-ridden coal-powered heart finally released it's black acid and ate away his chest.

Here then is our resident political scientist, Professor Votemeister, with the rundown.

1. Accuse Obama of being a werewolf.

Secret Muslim might not have worked. Terrorist might not have worked. Socialist secret Muslim terrorist might not have worked. Werewolf might not have worked. Ummm....

Wait! I got it!

1. Accuse Obama of being a werewolf who is also a vampire!

At last it all fits! Why has no-one ever seen Obama during the daytime? Or under a full moon?

What's that you say? You have seen him during the daytime and/or under a full moon? No, you have not. You think you have, but that was trick photography or CGI or mass hallucinations caused by Obama's secret Muslim terrorist homosexual man-milk. And why would the Dumbocrats employ such base trickery and hallucinogenic drugs from mutant male mammaries to befuddle the populace! Which they would only do to hide the fact that Obama is a secret werewolf who is also a vampire paedophile addicted to sex-cocaine!

It's the circle of logic, my friends, and it moves us all.

2. Attach Palin's severed face to his own.

How better to have capitalised on Palin's popularity, stop her making any more idiotic gaffes, and gain the sheer pleasure inherent in peeling away a woman's face from her skull? Added bonus: they could have added Joe Lieberman's face to Palin's body, finally making McCain's man-crush acceptable to his rabid, unthinking base.

3. Begin impregnation campaign in Texas to increase electoral votes to 225.

Admittedly a plan that would only have worked if commenced in the early months of 1990. Or, since Texas would need to have become six times as populous, probably best to have started in the eighties. But that's good news, since McCain would presumably still have been just about virile enough to contribute to the process. Alternatively, he could have opened the border long enough to allow 150,000,000 Mexican's through, though since I don't think there are that many Mexicans we'd probably have to rely on El Salvador too. Hispanics love Republicans, right?

4. Replace frail body with mechanical frame.

No Terminator has lost an election since the founding of the Union. Fact. This move would also have proven McCain's commitment to modern technology, though one would hope that he would have his grandchildren sort out his virus software, to protect against worms, Trojan Horses, and the sudden desire to exterminate all humanity, rather than his previous plan to just exterminate the brown ones or those in frilly pink shirts.

5. Conspire to have Nancy Pelosi removed, then fight Yoda to claim the Senate room.

If Gordon Brown needs some advice for the next time round, he should have his people call my people.

R.Tv.O.R.F

Two more classic music moments..

Beaker does Ode To Joy


Flight Of The Conchords with Hiphopopotamus vs. Rhymenoceros

Just goes to show...

.. that apart from the system tag on the end video game trailers are becoming more like filmtrailers with each passing day.

Why aren't I a game designer?

With it Gears Of War 2, Fable II, Call Of Duty 5 : World At War, Dead Space, Football Manager 2009, Far Cry 2 and Fallout 3 all out now or in the next two weeks it is an expensive time to be a gamer. Well a gamer with an addictive personality who constantly suffers from burning a hole in the pocket syndrome.

As such I propose to save time and money the games should be combined into one genre breaking experience; 'The Fable of Gears Of War Fallout into Dead Space causing the Football Manger to head the Call Of Duty a Far Cry from home 2025 (2+5+II+2009+2+3)'

How could a game encompassing so many of modern gaming's great ideas fail? Imagine choosing your line up to face Real Madrid in the Champions League final and picking a chainsaw wielding Marcus Fenix at left back, deploying a tactical airstrike at half time then roguishly taunting the locals at the post match press conference.

Think of the excitement of striding out across a barren post-apocalyptic landscape in search of the latest under 21 hot shot goalkeeper, fighting off nightmarish creatures from the darkest regions of outer space to get the signature on the contract before The Jackal gets there first

Seriously how could it fail?

Today's Burning Question No. 3

Can you engineer a helicopter with a swastika for rotor blades? And if so, would Max Mosley attempt to screw a hooker in it at 2o,ooo feet?