Profile 9: Doctor Robotnik

Age: Keeps telling everyone he's in his mid thirties.

Eyes: Stolen from Gambit, oddly, though sometimes he hides them behind gnarly shades.

Hair: Bald head and ginger beard. Hard to tell which is the greater fashion crime.

Girth: Ample, and then some. Frequently seen in a bewildering array hideously beweaponed anti-gravity pods that would probably be more destructive were they not forced to hold his ludicrous frame.

Turn Ons: Building robots; trapping animals inside robots; using robots to annex islands with strangely partitioned geography.

Turn Offs: Pretanaturally agile insectivores; airborne vulpines; having his name changed when he's not looking.

Nemesis: A hedgehog with ADHD and kleptomaniac tendencies. Frankly, any supergenius who builds robots insufficiently sturdy to repel attacks from undergrowth-dwelling spined mammals isn't worthy of the title.

Luxury Items: Four dozen Mechano sets and seven pyschotic bunny rabbits.

Minion: An oversized robot crab piloted by a sociopathic baby seal named Larry.

A mad doctor truly worthy of the name. It's one thing to imagine an endless horde of sadistic robots trampling the world beneath their treads, but it's quite another to bring your sick vision to fruition by using helpless animals as batteries. Which of us can honestly say they've never stared at a mewling kitten or chirping bluebird and not thought "I could totally just stick that inside a giant killer robotic centipede and use it to conquer Green Hill Zone."?

No-one. That's what I thought.

Doctor Robotnik is a real potential contender in the Big Evil house, but he will have to bide his time, as until he assembles his unstoppable army of killer droids, he's essentially just a fat man with a faintly suspicious interest in children's playsets.