Our Political Expert Speaks

Now that the election is safely in the bag, and the senior senator from Arizona returned to his coffin to await the next Time of Blood, it should be OK to discuss the various ways that McThuselah could have taken the Oval, if only he'd thought outside the box for more things than who to replace him under the eventuality that his maggot-ridden coal-powered heart finally released it's black acid and ate away his chest.

Here then is our resident political scientist, Professor Votemeister, with the rundown.

1. Accuse Obama of being a werewolf.

Secret Muslim might not have worked. Terrorist might not have worked. Socialist secret Muslim terrorist might not have worked. Werewolf might not have worked. Ummm....

Wait! I got it!

1. Accuse Obama of being a werewolf who is also a vampire!

At last it all fits! Why has no-one ever seen Obama during the daytime? Or under a full moon?

What's that you say? You have seen him during the daytime and/or under a full moon? No, you have not. You think you have, but that was trick photography or CGI or mass hallucinations caused by Obama's secret Muslim terrorist homosexual man-milk. And why would the Dumbocrats employ such base trickery and hallucinogenic drugs from mutant male mammaries to befuddle the populace! Which they would only do to hide the fact that Obama is a secret werewolf who is also a vampire paedophile addicted to sex-cocaine!

It's the circle of logic, my friends, and it moves us all.

2. Attach Palin's severed face to his own.

How better to have capitalised on Palin's popularity, stop her making any more idiotic gaffes, and gain the sheer pleasure inherent in peeling away a woman's face from her skull? Added bonus: they could have added Joe Lieberman's face to Palin's body, finally making McCain's man-crush acceptable to his rabid, unthinking base.

3. Begin impregnation campaign in Texas to increase electoral votes to 225.

Admittedly a plan that would only have worked if commenced in the early months of 1990. Or, since Texas would need to have become six times as populous, probably best to have started in the eighties. But that's good news, since McCain would presumably still have been just about virile enough to contribute to the process. Alternatively, he could have opened the border long enough to allow 150,000,000 Mexican's through, though since I don't think there are that many Mexicans we'd probably have to rely on El Salvador too. Hispanics love Republicans, right?

4. Replace frail body with mechanical frame.

No Terminator has lost an election since the founding of the Union. Fact. This move would also have proven McCain's commitment to modern technology, though one would hope that he would have his grandchildren sort out his virus software, to protect against worms, Trojan Horses, and the sudden desire to exterminate all humanity, rather than his previous plan to just exterminate the brown ones or those in frilly pink shirts.

5. Conspire to have Nancy Pelosi removed, then fight Yoda to claim the Senate room.

If Gordon Brown needs some advice for the next time round, he should have his people call my people.