Save The Environment With SpaceSquid

Whilst I was lounging in boats on holiday and desperately trying to forget that any of you exist, I had the chance to observe a bewildering array of seabirds perch on rocks, or fly about a bit, or scare toddlers with their Hitchcockian flocking.

Now, obviously, seabirds are evil. Despite this, though, they are our cousins in nature (albeit horribly vicious and twisted cousins who shat on my maths book when I was in Y2 and never apologised), and as such must be protected from environmental catastrophe. It is our civil duty. Just recently the quiet little archipelago where I spent my vacation was hit by a tanker packed full of M&S merchandise. Every gannet and guillemot within a mile radius found themselves tangled up in red and white tea dresses and comfortable Y-fronts. Which did at least keep them warm, though many of the younger birds were heard complaining how unfair it was that the last Primark vessel had passed by without difficulty.

Next time, they might not be so lucky. Next time it might be one of those dirty great oil supertankers that crashes, pumping out liquid gold into the Atlantic, ruining both the birds' beautiful plumage and their nefarious plans at the same time.

This, obviously, is a tragedy. A fully-deserved and amusing tragedy. I thus present five possible methods for dealing with such crises in the future. The most popular plan will be dispatched to Gordon Brown by the end of the week.

1. Crew tankers entirely with strippers.

Pros

• Immediate influx of volunteers to engage in clean-up;
• Breasts;
• Wave of relief across country as embarrassed parents finally get to say "She might take her clothes off for complete strangers, but look how nice she scrubbed-up this razorbill".

Cons

• Sudden shortage of clear heeled slingbacks and hot pink thongs likely;
• Attempts to clean oil with tongues will leave many perverts seriously ill;
• Seabirds themselves liable to be ignored by all but the most disturbing sex-pest.

2. Include presents and other goodies inside each tanker hold, turning a clean-up operation into a lucky dip.

Pros

• Will finally allow Tonka to empty those warehouses that have been filled to bursting with Go-Bots since the mid eighties;
• Makes accidents particularly welcome at Christmas, which is exactly when tanker crews are at their most mindless pissed;
• Will appeal to the under sixteens, making it an important first step to re-legalising child slavery.

Cons

• Today's children will be unimpressed unless their prize shoots real missiles, or transforms into three different types of tank, or something;
• Daily Mail will run article insisting that hundreds of toddlers will end up burning to death;
• Hundreds of toddlers will end up burning to death.

3. Force random sea-birds to swallow diamond rings. Save the environment, maybe win some jewellery!

Pros

• Jewellery is sparkly;
• Hard-up suitors now just one filth-smeared skua away from being able to propose;
• Noel Edmunds has expressed an interest in presenting tie-in TV show.

Cons

• Diamonds are expensive. Probably cheaper for oil executives to just buy boats that don't keep crashing, and we all know how that's turned out;
• Each bird saved will then be brutally killed and searched for treasure;
• Awkward to explain to girlfriend that her new ring was gouged from the belly of a cormorant.

4. Genetically engineer flame-retardant sea-birds and just set oil slick on fire.

Pros

• Looks pretty;
• Everyone gets to sing Firestarter and think they're the first person to do it;
• Plenty of fried fish to eat. Fish aren't endangered, right?

Cons

• Difficult to positively sell fire since the Hindenburg disaster;
• Fire bad for global warming. Probably. I don't know how it works, really;
• Fire-proof seagulls liable to usurp mankind as dominant life on Earth.

5. Remove dependency upon oil by encouraging development of alternative fuel sources.

Pros

• Immediately ensures oil spills a thing of the past;
• Ends dominance of major oil companies and their governmental shills;
• Don't need to keep slapping around Middle Eastern countries.

Cons

• Will make Al Gore intolerably smug.