Perhaps you realised your mistake the moment you watched the first blush of Autumn's flame-towers as they spewed their gouts of fiery filth into the pollution-choked sky. Or maybe it was when you watched your only child being beaten in the street by feral chav-spawn for "Talkin' like a Tory".
Regardless, no matter when the penny dropped, you still have every chance of escaping the mutant-haunted stink-hole you've found yourself in. Just remember the following tips, collated from eye-witness testimony of those that have entered "Boro" and lived to tell the tale.
1. Avoid wearing bright colours after dark. The local fauna primarily base their vision upon movement, and a red shirt or green jacket makes for an easy target. However, one might consider deliberately wearing such tones only to fling them aside at the last moment. This has been known to distract and confuse more than one pack of lager-soaked skin-heads.
2. The giant multi-coloured steel phallus in town centre, left behind by a more civilised society in ages passed, is the God of the local population, and thus must not be mocked under any circumstances, even though it is obviously shit. Note that one can text-message this silent sentinel and demand it change its hue. Perhaps you might consider giving it a go, so as to bond with the inhabitants, or at least bedazzle them with your apparent mastery of "Mighty Iron-Cock". Don't text "PINK", though. They don't like it when you text "PINK".
3. Remember that you are not a four-lunged mutant like the natives, so it is critical you learn how to recognise the early signs of oncoming smog. These include dying of lung collapse, dying of heart rupture, dying of brain-dribbling-out-of-ears, or it being a day ending in Y.
4. This is not a climbing frame, and you're an idiot if you think it is.
Seriously, you'd have to be a total dick to think that.
5. Recent reports indicate that increased numbers of the aboriginal tribes have begun to master primitive weapon use. More and more witness statements involve these peoples' new-found aptitude with the war-peach; a super-dense fruit-based missile capable of rendering a victim unconscious for several hours.
6. Be aware of regular "home matches"; local festivals in which seemingly the entire population answer the hypnotic call to assemble at their place of worship, smashing up much of the town as they go. Should Iron Cock be displeased, and the home team fail, all non-indigenous people will be burned in poorly-constructed bonfires fueled by budget vodka and stolen library books. Should the home team win, then all will be well, though anyone wishing to visit Hell would be well-advised to wrap up warm.
7. Try to bear in mind that Middlesbrough is the child prostitute capital of Europe, having narrowly beaten Ukraine in the 2008 Kid-Whore Face-Off, a yearly international sporting event that really doesn't bear thinking about in any way. Thus, whilst walking the streets of Middlesbrough at night, perhaps you'd like to play the local game of "Spot the Underage Hooker". Or, for more of a challenge, how about "Spot the Legally Adult Woman Who Won't Accept Payment For Sex", a game which traditionally lasts for three hours a time and invariably ends in a no-score draw.
We hope this document is of assistance. Be assured that regular search-and-rescue missions will be mounted from Stockton, with the obvious warning that those found by such missions will then have to actually enter Stockton, and thus may want to consider just throwing themselves into the Tees to see whether they drown or dissolve before the mutant crabs can get to them.
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