Our Front Room Endorses

Right it’s about time we started marking out parts of the modern media deluge that is the very lifeblood of us here in Our Front Room (sounds like a metaphor but seriously I might enter a coma if a don’t watch at least one film a week - though the need to watch fifty hours worth of The X files in the next 30 days may make that hard this month, but I figure it should be to me as methadone is to addicts and the Squid would shrivel up and rot if not for the world wide web, strong chance the tentacly one be near the front of the line when they work out how to jack straight into your brain. Well if the front of the line is too far away, ‘cos, you know there’ sitting to be done (wow, long, long bracketed sentence there!)) as to ensure that those of you out there in the world can avoid the drivel for the shiny, shiny goodness.

Thus for the inaugural pointing and waving we have ‘Swingers’. For the easy description think Sex & The City but two years earlier, with guys and not nearly as smug as the Horse faced one’s gal pals. Essentially the story of struggling actor Mike Peters and his attempt to re-join the social scene after a break-up come break-down.

We join Mike and his buddies (most notable Vince Vaughn’s Trent Walker) as they hit the party (and girl) trail in .L.A, a town or raging absurdity if there ever was one plus a detour to Vegas. This is certainly not one for those who have to leave the room when the social embarrassment becomes too much for them, one sequence of Mike crumbling apart like the plot of Russel T Davis Dr Who script as he calls back a potential date is excruciatingly and all to believable. And all too familiar.

What we have here is a cultural document on what it is to be a guy from the bizarre patterns of male bonding to the insecurities that tear at us (though of course we would never say so, ‘cos, you know we are all too manly for that kind of behavior. It’s tremendously quotable and saves perhaps the most familiar social bear trap until it’s final moments; the excitement of the perceived attraction followed by the rush of embarrassing realization (and the accompanying wish to disappear right then and there) that they were never looking at you at all.

Go, on give it the ‘ol Rainman sweep. Vegas, baby, Vegas.

A Terrifying Vision Of The Future

For a long time now my greatest fear has been that I will die alone. Recently however that has been overtaken by the far more terrifying fear that the people of this country will elect a giant homicidal insect as our next PM.

Too far-fetched, you say? Au contraire, mon ami! It makes perfect sense! What is the one natural resource we lack most in this country right now? If you said "bees", then take a bow (partial credit is available for those that said "titties"). The stripy ingrates are fleeing this country in droves. Oh, sure, back when they were still building up their supplies of royal jelly they were happy to stay here, collecting welfare cheques in the form of pollen, shitting out baby bees once every twenty seconds in council estate hives; but now that they've completed constructing their international honey empire, it's adios muchachos as the six-legged whiners head off for tax havens around the globe.

The bees are gone, and people are desperate to bring them back. Desperate enough to encourage bee immigration by electing a psychotic arthropod as our premier? We can't take that chance!

Already our election process itself is under threat as more and more independent observers are replaced in the night by cockroaches in lounge suits. Just last week I had to hang up during a "random" political phone survey when I distinctly heard the sound of rotting meat being softened by vomit coming from the other end of the phone line. And it won't be enough to just elect an insect; oh no. This insect will have to be tough on crime! It will have to stand up to the terrorists! It will have to slap around all those welfare-state cheats I keep reading about even though no-one you've ever met has ever seen one. And, I admit, there are other ways to do all that without using it's gargantuan mandibles to chop people in half, but that wouldn't be the insect way!

On the other hand, even a grotesquely enlargened mass murdering stag beetle would be better than Boris Johnson.

Metal Gear Solid 4

Now I thought long and hard about what was going to be my first post on this blog, as I wanted it to be something of at least a little substance. No actual idea why, but it seemed like a good idea at the time…

So over the last few days I have been playing Metal Gear Solid 4 – Guns of the Patriots. Playing it has been all the sweeter as I had obtained it for free after my friends TV died and he had no reason to hang onto it any longer. Now I have to say, I thought that this was going to be a good thing to blog about, simply because it gave a great opportunity to have a moan and bitch about the insanely long cut scenes in this game…

And they are insanely long. Not just a little bit long. REALLY long. The 45 minute cut scene I sat through while my mate bitched about how ludicrously long winded it was, certainly brought this sort of thing to a new level. And this wasn’t the longest cut scene in the game! The final cut scene (and I am counting from when you last have to press a button until you are finally given the end of the plot) was 1 hour 10 minutes long! I mean my God by the time you have finished the game you are talking quite literally hours (and I do mean multiple hours) of cut scenes! The highest unlockable achievement in the game requires you to complete the whole thing in under 5 hours, and while I haven’t totalled it up I firmly believe that if you sat through all the cut scenes you would probably have about 30 seconds of game time to actually, you know, do the game! For the record, I didn’t exactly slouch my way though the game and it took me seventeen and a half hours. This has taken the “cinematic” nature of video games to an entirely new level… This is the first game ever, in the history of man, that I have been grateful for the ability to actually pause a cut scene. There have been several occasions where my bladder actually could not take sitting the entire way through one.

But, and here is the big but. I did actually choose to sit through them. Yep there is the option (from the outset) to click start and select skip and you actually bypass the cut scene all together, yet I never chose to use it. Why? Well because they were actually really, rather good. The story in this game really does suck you in and quite frankly that makes the whole thing all right by me. You actually care about what happens to the characters. They actually have depth to them. This game certainly serves as a fitting end to the Metal Gear Solid Series (until of course “Metal Gear Solid 5 : The Quest for more money” is released).

The game itself is excellent, and as a technological exercise it is truly amazing. What makes the cut scenes so watchable is that they are all rendered using the same game engine as is used for the game and they link seamlessly into the action. In several cases you can actually choose to watch the cut scene unfold from the perspective of your little robot buddy allowing you to wander round the scene to your hearts content and look at it from every angle imaginable. All of is in beautifully rendered graphics courtesy of the PS3 (who is finally starting to show some of the games we have been waited for), and of course full surround sound. The graphics on a HD TV really do look amazing, and the sound is just as good. You will probably have to experience it to believe it.

The game itself is great fun. Described as tactical stealth action and that probably about sums it up. You can approach problems in multiple ways. You can sneak, you can fight, or any combination of the two. The balance is there in that you can approach the bulk of the game either from an action, run and gun type approach or a silent sneaky approach. Both are equally rewarding. Action wise, the guns feel good, the controls responsive and the bad guys sufficiently intelligent that the game has you on its toes the whole time. If you go the sneaky way, the tension can really build, crawling through narrow vents, using the very cool adaptive camouflage system to avoid detection, and of course sneaking up on enemies and dispatching them with a variety of cool close combat moves.

The set pieces are amazing. One boss battle has you pitted in a truly amazing (and innovative) sniper dual (against a massive wolf like super soldier I may add). This would have been awesome just on it’s own, but it is set in a massive snow blizzard that hampers visibility and looks amazing, while on a tactical level your having to factor in the direction of the wind in your efforts to avoid detection from the enemy sniper. All the Bosses require a bit of thought in your approach to them and there are some other moments in the game that are equally as brilliant (including a brilliant bike chase that has got to be about as close to reproducing a cinema type chase scene as has ever been managed in a video game).

So while this kind of started out as a moan, I can’t actually follow it through. The game is great, it is that simple. Some people will absolutely hate the long cut scenes and deride it because of them. Hey I came pretty close myself. For those people – Hit start press down and click on “Skip”. Yes you can do it from the beginning, and enjoy a great sneak / shoot em up game on its own merits. Everyone else, seriously, watch them. This is as close to an interactive cinema experience as you can get.

Oh and if you haven’t played the previous games (Metal Gear 1 +2, plus Metal Gear Solid 1-3) a trip to Wikipedia to brush up on the previous plot points will help you enjoy it a lot more.

Next challenge – Try and beat it in under 5 hours.

Today's Burning Question No. 2

If Optimus Prime has sex with a vending machine, is that the Cybertronian equivalent of beastiality?

Could this be?

Could this be one of the coolest, largest time sinks on the Internet? An entire site dedicated to movie trailers?

http://www.traileraddict.com/thefilms

As we all know, trailers are one of the modern ages greatest art forms (hey, if they can make Spawn look watchable anything is possible) and should be appreciated as much. To do this day an audible sigh is heard from your author here when he sadly realises his shiny new DVD toy doesn't include the trailer on the disc. Why do they do this do me? Why?

But while we're here let us peruse some examples of the genre ..

http://www.traileraddict.com/trailer/aqua-teen-hunger-force/trailer

It will make no sense to anyone who doesn't know the TV show and even then it makes little sense.

http://www.traileraddict.com/trailer/alien/trailer

Just plain spooky as heck.

http://www.traileraddict.com/trailer/crank/trailer

A classic example of the action picture trailer (and it even actually sells the film short, as the film also surprisingly very wry and funny)

http://www.traileraddict.com/trailer/mean-creek/trailer

A trailer in four acts and the film is pretty damn good too.

http://www.traileraddict.com/trailer/jarhead/trailer

Not that interesting at first, but then at 1.08 it kicks in and it becomes a perfect match of image and music..and some of those images are just stunning.

http://www.traileraddict.com/trailer/21-grams/trailer

Er, mainly picked as I want to bring it to people's attention. WARNING : If this film doesn't make you feel like you've been through an emotional blender than you quite possibly don't have a soul

And let's end for now and something that is just purely charming in every way...

http://www.traileraddict.com/clip/wall-e/a-days-work


(apologies for the lack of funny in the above, but I'm just too happy to have found this website)

New Balls Please

Ok, first of all how many of you read this post because the title has balls in it? C'mon now don't be shy...

Anyway as one sporting event draws to a close another starts and it's SW19 time again, or Wimbledon for the geographically backward (hint, it's in London). With 'Tiger' Tim (seriously? have you ever seen a sheepish Tiger that was resigned to defeat?) now eating the Strawberries paid for by the Beeb the remaining British hope is Andy Murray (who is Scottish the other fifty weeks of the year)

Now, Murray is a guy with more of a toughness about him than 'ol Timmy, but for Our Front Room it's hard to really warm to the lad. It's not personal, just purely an arbitrary vague dislike, as such Nadal (he of the differing bicep size - look, really, one arm is thicker than other) such be cheered on, generally because he looks like a skateboarder who ended up playing tennis by accident when someone told it was an extreme sport because the balls would explode if they bounced twice on your side.

But at the end of the day the main drawn of the tennis is the soothing rhythm of the ping-pong of the ball and that strange mind set that still tells you if you're watching the tennis you've managed to con the teacher into not trying to teach you anything for the afternoon.

Today outside the window..

..it's sunny Hyrule Field. Where horses roam, small elves save the world and there's a rupee under every bush. A land of opportunity indeed.

Eight Reasons 2

Eight reasons for people committing suicide en masse that make more sense than the "plot" of The Happening:

1. An echo of Beatlemania that has bounced off Saturn before being refracted by crystals of pure evilonium lurking in the asteroid belt;
2. People desperate to reach Heaven's "closing down" sale before completion of its hostile takeover by Walmart;
3. Rumours spread next fifty souls released from mortality will get to come back to Earth as crime-fighting ninja ghosts;
4. All the fault of those damn Republicans, for some reason;
5. Waterstones reduce Virginia Wolfe books 50%, world thrown into toxic mixture of existential despair and inescapable tedium;
6. Just no purpose to life now that Shed Seven reunion has failed to ignite globe;
7. Recent re-run of M*A*S*H prompts population to put theme song to the test;
8. Literally nothing else.

Today, outside the window...

..it's Eternia, land of He-Man, Skeletor, big cats and annoying floaty wizards. And yes, we fully intend to open the window and shout "IT'S THE GUY IN THE PINK SHIRT! THE PINK SHIRT YOU IDIOTS!"

Grand Theft Hmmmm....

Yep, GTA IV, not made me a crazed criminal nor has it taken me to the gaming nirvana the reviews seemed to indicate it would as people ran over their auntie's to slap perfect review scores onto it's box. Either that or I'm accidentally playing 'Viva Pinata : Won't Somebody Think Of The Children?'

Now did get the Room wrong here, it ain't terrible but it ain't no genie with a lamp either. It is essentially the same game it was back when it was GTA III, just as it was when it was GTA: Vice City, GTA : San Andreas, GTA : Milton Keynes, GTA : Eternia, GTA : HMP Northallerton.

It's been tarted a little bit, the vehicle physics changed (for the worse) and the on foot gunplay is now not just broken but it is dynamically the same game. Only a little less funny. Yes, the likes of Laslo are back on the air-waves with those radio phone-ins but they all seem somehow a little old and tired (and the music selection will never out-do Vice City's) and the new storyline of Niko lacks for humour, seeing as he's lived through a genocide and all.

The story shall no doubt be finished but after that this particular shiny disc of criminal instruction is going back to the store for a trade-in, so the crime can continue when they overprice it and rip off the customers, having no doubt handed over ten shiny pence to buy it back in the first place.

Social breakdown in the Empire

Years of neglect in the projects of Coruscant saw the regions become increasingly hard to police and petty vandalism of even Imperial property run riot.

Finale of Dr Who revealed

It's tense, it's exciting, it's unexpected, it's emotional, it's zeitgeist defining, it's incredible, it will never be topped, it's Russel T Davis' best work yet....

Yes, it's the Daleks! It's the Daleks vs the Doctor's pet giant cat we will appear in the last three minutes of the final episode to save the universe after the Doctor is trapped by a never ending Neighbours marathon on Tv ("Oh, wow, Neighbours! Genius!" he exclaims unable to tear his vision away) despite the fact such an animal as never ever been mentioned before and is frankly the stupidest thing ever

We will be expected to take it on faith that this is climatically earth shattering writing of the highest order. And not a lazy get out of chain because we've painted ourselves into an impossible corner writing.

Remember you saw it here first.

Our Front Room is in love...

with Juno MacGuff. The star of the wonderful little picture that can 'Juno'. The girl is smart, sassy and the most level headed one around. The girl will move whole living room sets just to see a guy in the morning.

Ok, she maybe a cautionary whale and she may just start running through walls, and there might be some unwanted surgery going on if you hang too long with her* but what's not to love?

*if you haven't seen it watch Hard Candy - then squirm especially if you have guy parts.

And yes, I know Juno isn't real and it is in fact Ellen Page.

Midway Announcement: Video Games No Longer To Be Fun

Following the revelation from Midway that the hotly-anticipated (read: fan-boy wet dream) Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe will not feature the latter series' trademark fatalities, robbing gamers across the globe their God-given right to pull the bloodied spine from smugly judgmental pseudo-ninjas dressed as flying mammals, OFR considers what other video game franchises could be subtly divorced from their most vital components and thus immediately cast into the mire of middling pish.

Street Walker II

Take control of a crack-addled New York prostitute and guide her through twelve levels of increasingly complex sexual encounters in exchange for cash, beginning with a mechanical hand-job in a back alley and working up to satisfying the multiple base desires of Eliot Spitzer. Includes the special moves deep throat (forward forward punch), cow-girl (back circle punch), and divulge story to authorities (repeatedly tap kick).

Uncivilisation

Become leader of Britain at the dawn of the 21st Century, desperate to effect change, only to find that the only remaining tech upgrade is stem cell research (which you can't click on because some idiot enabled the Daily Mail civic), a military victory is impossible due to that whole Middle East thing, and that you can't up your science research because all revenue is being plowed into the luxuries of binge-drinking and Britain's Got Talent.

Tetris (Lavrentiy Beria Edition)

Re-visit the world's favourite Russian video game as it was meant to be played; against the paranoia-drenched backdrop of Stalin's Soviet Union. Plays just like the original, except that in-fighting with fellow comrades and interference from the Secret Police means none of the blocks ever vanish, dooming you to just keep piling on the pieces until your tower gets too high and you are noiselessly whisked away to a Siberian gulag for the rest of your miserable life.

Beggar Of Persia

Find yourself in the rotting shoes of a Ecbatanan leper, shuffling through the street desperately searching for loose change, and at no point receiving a magical dagger that allows you to behave like a complete idiot/twat and then reverse time (not that you'd have been able to hold it anyway with seven fingers missing, anyway). Game highlights include indulging acts of faintly implausible athletic grace as you escape deluges of rotten fruit (after which your foot falls off) and feeling a faint stir in your partially-decomposed crotch after a pretty young woman knees you in the gonads out of sheer disgust.

Grand Theft Godot

Waste hours of your life waiting for for an acquaintance you hardly know to turn up so that you can nick his car.

More Wire Board Game Tie-Ins

Right, I'm already sick of this run of posts, so I shall bring it to an apocalyptic close with a run-down of some of history's best-loved board games and how we can make them relevant to the drug war in Bodymore, Murdaland.

The Wire Snakes and Ladders

Underscore the desperate pathos of street life in Maryland's largest city by making the board twice as big, removing all the ladders, and re-painting the snakes as dragons that kill you if slid down sufficiently many times.

The Wire Settlers of Cataan

Clay Davis never lets you build any settlements, no matter how many sheep you slip into his back-pocket. Then Omar shoots you. A game of low cunning and crushing inevitability.

The Wire Escape From Atlantis

Dockworkers have more than union-busters and suffocated hookers to deal with as a Katrina-style storm threatens to sweep the waterfront away entirely. Take on the role of Frank Sobotka as you attempt to evacuate your stevedores whilst under fire from local drug-lords, federal investigators, and unconvincing sea monsters.

The Wire Space Crusade

Just set The Wire in space, basically. How could that not be awesome? Omar could have a plasma-gun, for God's sake; presumably from one of those A planets.

Next week: Battlestar Galactica Ludo.

Eight Reasons

Eight reasons why a small child from the far future might choose to spend eternity in a simulation of suburban life in 2008.

1. Last chance to play with horses before the hideous Pony Plague of 2009;
2. Heard about Take That reunion, hopes second post-split album a return to form;
3. Hard enough to live in world where 2001: A Space Odyssey has been proven not to happen without the space-time continuum pissing all over 2010, too;
4. Desperate to watch the Turkic Ghaznavid defeat the Hindu Confederacy at Peshawar in 1008; too proud to acknowledge mistake;
5. Big Brother 9 first series in which bickering housemates inadvertently raise Great Cthulhu;
6. Hopes to visit an independent Kosovo before the Russians nuke it in the 2020‘s;
7. Trying to be first to lay hands upon history’s greatest gadget: the iPod Fuckton;
8. Lazy plot contrivance somehow mistaken for an intriguing twist.

Vive la Euros

At least one half of the room is excited today as the European Championships kick off. Some say it's not interesting because England are not taking part but if you take the approach that you can now enjoy every game without that gnawing feeling that national failure is only a central defender's penalty away it's suddenly all about just watching the game.

And now for a team by team guide :

Switzerland : Co-hosts but unlikely to progress with a defence built upon a man who can speak five languages but didn't remember to learn "man on", "mark up", "keeper's ball" or "clear it" in any of them, yes it's Philip Senderos

Czech Republic : Perennial dark horses the Czech's have carved out a niche in that not quite good enough to win it group of nations, expect Peter Czech to increasingly be lost under protective padding and excited chatter amongst mid table Premiership clubs over the new Poborsky.

Turkey : A talented group of players conflicted about if they should even be taking part in an European tournament or not, still expect 'Boro and Bolton to waving the cheque books about

Portugal : A strong chance of taking home the prize unless someone does every other team a favour and snaps Ronaldo in two within ten minutes of kick off. Still a side wary of deploying anything as useful as a striker who actually scores the occasional goal.

Austria : They are to the Euros what Derby were to last year's Premiership, only taking part because they are the proverbial kid who only gets to play because it's his ball.

Poland : First time at the finals proper, not helped by Germany nicking at least three players (Klose and Podolski included) and being over blessed in the one position on the field where you can't work a tactic to include your best players, that would by Goal-keeper. Still, a study outfit that might well give one or two of the bigger boys a fright

Croatia : Qualified ahead of England but missing that crucial killer instinct to push on towards the big prize, they only wish Steve McClaren could take charge of their opposition every time.

Germany : People are question their rearguard but they will surely reach the semis at least, as they always do. Have the twin advantages of being led by a Cyclon (Ballack, see previous evidence) and the only nation on the face of the Earth to approach penalty shoot-outs with-out fear.

France : A strong side full of talent and pace, a lot depends upon how long the team can progress before pulling a collective sulk at some perceived insult as a thrown in is given the other way. In an ideal world Henry will remember he used to be good and do something productive and Le Sulk himself will perversely find his Bolton form rather than his Chelsea one.

Holland : Getting a long with each other for change the Dutch could finally once more find glory. Van Persie and Van Nistelrooy supply the firepower and are backed up by the tumbli' Robben amongst others. If everyone plays nice with each for the full course of the tournament they'll be able to argue about who gets to sit next to the trophy on the way home

Italy : Once more expect the Italians to smoother the opposition into submission, score one goal a game and shut up shop. Demonstrating the art of defending and of breaking up the flow of the game by falling over and committing niggly fowls. Not pretty, but still pretty effective.

Romania : Drawn with Italy, France and Holland in the group stage, they are going home early but Andrian Mutu will probably find time to enjoy himself. Buying chocolate obviously.

Greece: The holders, which is still hard to believe, will play much the same as they did last time around. But with four more years on tired legs are much more likely to run out of steam and are a lot less likely to be underestimated by others.

Russia : Roman's second chance of Euro glory this summer, massive win bonuses all round and 'ol Guus Hiddink pulling the strings our friends from the East certainly won't be easy pushovers.

Spain : Perhaps the most talented team on display at the whole damn thing. Torres should be dangerous to even the hardiest defence and having Fabregas and Xavi in middle of the park isn't to be sniffed at. Still, expect a massive case of stage fright and underachievement but if they make out of the group stages, you never know.

Let the fun begin, all that remains is to find something to fill the football-less void in July, anyone for the Ultimate Frisbee World Championship?

International Adventures

Nero's Coffee Shop has begun selling a new flavour smoothy, pineapple, banana and orange. This fact must be discussed at length!

Danny: Christ, that sounds awful.
SS: Actually, I think it sounds like some form of pseudo Um-Bongo.
Danny: Um Bongo! Um Bongo!
SS: They drink it, I believe, in the Congo.
Danny: Do you think that's true? Are there tribes deep in the rainforests around Kinshasa hunting for prey with stone-tipped spears who periodically whip Um Bongo cartons from their loincloths?
SS: You do know that the song is almost entirely ficticious, right?
Danny: You take that back!
SS: The jingle says that parrots paint the packets!
Danny: They could hold the paintbrushes in their claws!
SS: Danny, if anyone paints the packets manually, it'll be blind Congolese children trying not to smudge the pictures of cartoon animals with their hot salty tears. Where the Hell are all these amazingly artistic macaws hiding out, huh? Wouldn't someone stumble across their operation sooner or later?
Danny: They wouldn't do it on the ground, obviously.
SS: What, they paint it on the wing?
Danny: Don't be ridiculous. They'd just take all the relevant materials up into the treetops.
SS: Well, makes sense, I guess. They'd be safe from predators.
Danny: Absolutely. How annoying would it be if you were in the final stages of colouring in the mandarins when a lion lopes up and bites your head off.
SS: How the hell has a lion ended up in the jungles of a Congo?
Danny: Fine; a tiger then.
SS: A tiger? Fine, forget it, let's just say it's a lion.
Danny: And then it bounds up to this poor parrot, swallows him whole, and then drinks the Um Bongo.
SS: Why would a lion want to drink Um Bongo? Plus, how will its mighty paws manage to remove the straw from its plastic wrapper?
Danny: Think about it, Squid; it would just use one razor-sharp tooth to puncture the foil circle, and then suck out the innards with its massive lion chops.
SS: It is the ultimate insult, isn't it? Some big cat, presumably lost after being separated from its tour guide, eats your frail, feathery body, and then drinks your delicious fruit drink. Unless...
Danny: What?
SS: Maybe the parrots could bribe these horribly misplaced lions to allow them to live in exchange for a percentage of the weekly Um Bongo supply.
Danny: Dude! That's completely unacceptable!
SS: Yeah, you're right. The pythons would be furious over how many of the passion fruits they'd picked were being used to buy off lions that should all just fuck off back to the Serengetti anyway.
Danny: Isn't this getting pretty close to the Congolese wildlife equivalent of a BNP rally?
SS: Yeah, maybe.
Danny: I really do want to know whether they drink Um Bongo in the Congo, now.
SS: Well, we should find out. Hire a plane, assemble a crack team, and get ourselves over there. Obviously the very first thing we'll have to tell the locals is that we're in no way going to help them overthrow the tyrannical regime that rules their brutish lives with an iron fist. "Nuts to the local despot, Johnny Foreigner, do you by any chance drink a tropical fruit blend popular in the nineteen nineties?"
Danny: This is a strangely attractive plan.
SS: And why stop there? We could travel the entire world, seeking out the most troubled and miserable of countries to ask irrelevant questions about products that entered the cultural zeitgeist over a decade ago.
Danny: We could go to Mexico and quiz them about Kia-Ora!
SS: Well, we'd need a time machine rather than a plane, since I think you've confused Mexico with pre Civil War America, but I'm fine with it in principle. "Put down that cotton, boy, and tell me: is this drink too orangey for crows?"
Danny: Sold!

Our heroes leave, arguing the cost of chartering a plane versus the difficulty of lashing together a functioning time machine.

Inappropriate Merchandise No. 2

The more I think about it, the more I think pissing away an awesome concept like a Wire based board game on something as irredeemably awful as Monopoly is totally morally unacceptable. I don't want to have to explain to the man upstairs why I took one of the best television programmes of the last ten years and slapped in on the front of a box whose contents couldn't be more toxic if they were coated in anthrax.

Thus begins OFR's search for the perfect board game to crudely tart up to resemble the show in question. This week:

The Wire Cluedo

I can't believe I didn't think of this before! It's a perfect fit! Well, you'd have to move around the city of Baltimore rather than a musty stately home; and the murder weapons would all be guns of varying declensions (plus maybe poisoned heroin if the murder site turns out to be Baltimore State Penitentiary); and every time you entered a room with Pryzbylewski there'd be a small chance he would shoot you by accident; and depending on your character choice you may also have to play the game drunk, on drugs, or whilst avoiding your pregnant lesbian lover; and the fact that the murder victim is called Dr Black means there's going to have to be an investigation into whether the crime was racially motivated; and each game lasts a random number of turns before the politicians demand you shut the case down and play a new game instead. But other than that, you don't really have to change all that much at all.

Make sure to bring your soft eyes, grasshopper.

In an attempt to find out...

..what the hell is going on, today the Our Front Room house is...on THE ISLAND!

Damn you people you forced us to get all Castle Duckula on you asses. Answers our collective rear ends, mumble, mumble, grumble, compulsive, mumble, televised crack, grumble, mumble, brain scratching, grumble, mumble, but right about who was in the coffin!

Last Night's Viewing

Doctor Who : in which the Doctor, Donna and a selection of vaguely familiar faces are menaced by dust. Yes, the dust you can see in shafts of lights is in fact millions of air born tiny piranhas. They can eat you in two seconds flat it seems, so be afraid and put that vacuum cleaner on maximum!

In nice bit of convention skewering the character that wonders off by herself is shown to be really stupid beforehand, guess that's what a St Trillian's education buys you; no smarts but a good range in racy uniforms.

It seems that someone already knows the Doc but he doesn't know here, oh the mystery, what are the odds on her being Moll Flanders? Or for those of us with shorter memories, an ER doctor?

Overall this went down quite well in Our Front Room, what with natty spooky after-death voices and an earnest effort to make kids more afraid of the dark than ever.

John Carpenter's Vampires : When even the continuity announcer starts taking the pish you know you are in trouble. So decades after 'ol John appears to have made a couple of good films by mistake he brings us this. The latest in his self monikered series of trash, this one stars James "I'm So Much Better Than This" Woods and Daniel "Cheapest Of The Brothers " Baldwin fighting a Anne Rice throwback out in Texas. The one good idea appears after five minutes with the heroes using a tow cable to drag neck botherers into the sunlight, sadly after this it goes drastically downhill as the 'terrifying' gore is ladled onto of 'gritty' character interaction and 'tense' drama as a ho picked up by the boys gets strange cravings that have nothing to do with having a bun in the oven.

Still the real question is what happened John? This is the guy who between '76 and '82 knocked out Halloween, Assault On Precinct 13, The Thing and Escape From New York (which is admittedly ropey but still fun). I'm starting to wonder if it's the same guy. Maybe he was kidnapped by 'B' movie lovin' hermits and forced to endlessly act out The Thing with a bag of sticks and a dead raccoon or something. And a near-by lighting rigger saw his chance, popped on a straggly false beard and grabbed the limelight and it's the need to constantly convince people he is Carpenter that leads to all his output bearing his name, just in case we suddenly go, "Hang on, you're not...."