Following the revelation from Midway that the hotly-anticipated (read: fan-boy wet dream) Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe will not feature the latter series' trademark fatalities, robbing gamers across the globe their God-given right to pull the bloodied spine from smugly judgmental pseudo-ninjas dressed as flying mammals, OFR considers what other video game franchises could be subtly divorced from their most vital components and thus immediately cast into the mire of middling pish.
Street Walker II
Take control of a crack-addled New York prostitute and guide her through twelve levels of increasingly complex sexual encounters in exchange for cash, beginning with a mechanical hand-job in a back alley and working up to satisfying the multiple base desires of Eliot Spitzer. Includes the special moves deep throat (forward forward punch), cow-girl (back circle punch), and divulge story to authorities (repeatedly tap kick).
Uncivilisation
Become leader of Britain at the dawn of the 21st Century, desperate to effect change, only to find that the only remaining tech upgrade is stem cell research (which you can't click on because some idiot enabled the Daily Mail civic), a military victory is impossible due to that whole Middle East thing, and that you can't up your science research because all revenue is being plowed into the luxuries of binge-drinking and Britain's Got Talent.
Tetris (Lavrentiy Beria Edition)
Re-visit the world's favourite Russian video game as it was meant to be played; against the paranoia-drenched backdrop of Stalin's Soviet Union. Plays just like the original, except that in-fighting with fellow comrades and interference from the Secret Police means none of the blocks ever vanish, dooming you to just keep piling on the pieces until your tower gets too high and you are noiselessly whisked away to a Siberian gulag for the rest of your miserable life.
Beggar Of Persia
Find yourself in the rotting shoes of a Ecbatanan leper, shuffling through the street desperately searching for loose change, and at no point receiving a magical dagger that allows you to behave like a complete idiot/twat and then reverse time (not that you'd have been able to hold it anyway with seven fingers missing, anyway). Game highlights include indulging acts of faintly implausible athletic grace as you escape deluges of rotten fruit (after which your foot falls off) and feeling a faint stir in your partially-decomposed crotch after a pretty young woman knees you in the gonads out of sheer disgust.
Grand Theft Godot
Waste hours of your life waiting for for an acquaintance you hardly know to turn up so that you can nick his car.
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