Eight Reasons 2

Eight reasons for people committing suicide en masse that make more sense than the "plot" of The Happening:

1. An echo of Beatlemania that has bounced off Saturn before being refracted by crystals of pure evilonium lurking in the asteroid belt;
2. People desperate to reach Heaven's "closing down" sale before completion of its hostile takeover by Walmart;
3. Rumours spread next fifty souls released from mortality will get to come back to Earth as crime-fighting ninja ghosts;
4. All the fault of those damn Republicans, for some reason;
5. Waterstones reduce Virginia Wolfe books 50%, world thrown into toxic mixture of existential despair and inescapable tedium;
6. Just no purpose to life now that Shed Seven reunion has failed to ignite globe;
7. Recent re-run of M*A*S*H prompts population to put theme song to the test;
8. Literally nothing else.