Cinema Corner

Last night two thirds of Our Front Room left the comparative safety of our eponymous location and headed into the wilds of Durham to catch a screening of WALL-E. Isnoproblem, of course, simply went so that he could cross the film off his unfeasibly huge cinema bingo card that he hides under his bed. I, on the other hand, had a nobler purpose. Since several individuals across the Atlantic have decried the film as "Liberal propaganda" (a phrase they have had varying degrees of success with spelling), I decided to check whether or not what was ostensibly a kid's film was, in fact, a tool of the international moonbat conspiracy designed to re-programme our children into slavering racist liberal baby-killers. Not very likely, you might think, but I once watched a puppet show on Brighton Beach in which Punch killed Judy with an ice-axe and went on to inter the crocodile without trial in a Siberian gulag, so I really don't think you can be too careful with this stuff*.

And what do you know? The wing-nuts somehow got it right this time. WALL-E is so leftist that had Che Guevara seen it he would have given up trying to invade Bolivia and set up a hamburger emporium/titty bar there instead.

All the obvious signs are there. An Earth ruined by pollution? Only those on the left thinks that that could possibly happen. Thereby by postulating that it has happened, this film immediately betrays its liberal roots, just as we know that Michael Crichton secretly wants the world to be run by dinosaurs thanks to Jurassic Park. Remember, kids, any film set in the future is implicitly stating that that future will happen**.

And what does the human race do about the socialist wet-dream that is the total trashing of our home planet? They go into space and get fat and let a private company sort things out. Now, that would probably have been alright if the company had managed to pull it off, that would be the marketplace of ideas coming good just like it always does***. But by daring to show a situation in which a company fails (and if you can't trust your hired mooks to wire a shower, I'd be hesitant about relying on them to fix the planet) this film places itself slightly to the left of Karl Marx. Of course, had B'n'L actually succeeded, WALL-E might not have been quite as interesting, but that's the price you pay for expunging a film of any reference to anything a liberal has ever said ever****.

And what about those lardy bastards floating around in space, huh; shovelling fast food into their mouths while they stare slack-jawed at flickering video screens? Not content with setting a film in some hypothetical future where someone we don't like was right, the film now dares to reference events which have already actually happened already right now as we speak!!! Only the most ardent of moonbat American haters would dare to suggest that current negative trends will continue. A truly non-partisan motion picture would imply that not only is the future perfect after God came down on his rainbow to clean the Earth because we were all too busy killing Muslims, but that any flaw in American society has been totally resolved too, due to the extra time we had to devote to it once we didn't waste all our effort protecting the constitution or giving money to the poor or throwing beer cans in the recycling bin instead of in the garden of the guy next door whose probably a terrorist because he watches The Daily Show and drives a hybrid. Not only is the film Al-Qaeda loving enough to portray the Americans of the future as worthless fat-tubes, but it tries to justify this outrage by referencing science. Science! In a kid's movie! This is exactly the sort of sneaky tricks liberals try to pull, hoping no-one will notice as they fill our children's heads with nonsense like "facts", and "scientific method", and "cause and effect", and all that other stuff that Jesus had to die on the cross so that we could stamp out. Learning is un-American! If Eve hadn't eaten the apple of knowledge we'd still all be living in the garden of Eden with the fluffy tyrannosaurs and the goose that laid the golden egg (not that we'd place any importance on the goose, since we wouldn't understand about economics, or rare substances, or what have you. We'd probably just try to make omelettes out of them and then die of heavy metal poisoning).

Then it gets worse. In order for WALL-E to get his girlfriend's plant sample to the bridge, he lets loose a whole bunch of defective robots. Some of them are ill, others won't stop playing tennis, one of them keeps hitting himself in the face with a tray for some reason, but all of them share one thing: they are all metaphors for terrorists. The so called "repair ward" is an obvious allegory to Gitmo, as evidenced by the fact that the ship's captain can send his minions there without recourse to the courts. That would be fine, obviously, until WALL-E stages his breakout, allowing dozens of Quran-reciting robots (you can't tell because of their cute voices but each and every one is chanting "death to America") to hassle the peace-loving American flesh-slugs that are just trying to consume their own body's weight of cup-cakes in peace. What we have here is clear proof that the loony left is so caught up in recycling and the protection of plants (just because almost all of them are dead)***** that they will strike a deal with blood-crazed mecha-jihadists in order to force their ideas on to the rest of us.

In conclusion: don't see WALL-E unless you want your kids to become terrorist-loving enviro-Nazis who will immediately stop believing in magical nebulous panaceas to be delivered at some unspecified future date. Or unless you're naive enough to think that ideas like love, self-sacrifice, dedication and a desire to change the world for the better regardless of personal cost might be themes that your children can take something from.


* There was also that episode of the Sooty Show in Sweep tried to kill Sooty with an exploding cigar as revenge for Sue getting mowed down in the Bay of Pigs a few years earlier, even though that was Matthew Corbett's fault for reneging on his promise to provide helicopter support.

** Please, please let whomever wrote Flesh Gordon Meets The Cosmic Cheerleaders turn out to have been right on the money.

*** Except when it doesn't and needs a hand-out from the government and takes all the money and then says the government shouldn't stick its nose into their business; like a whiny teenager whose allowance is coming out of your tax dollars. "Mom, give me a twenty so I can party with my friends. I'll clean up my business plans this afternoon. Don't shout at me I hate you!"

****When we get to the end of the film and the human race gets off the Axiom, does McCrea complain it is too hot? No. That is because they pretend that global warming never happened because this film is a shill for right-wing nut-jobs.

*****If this had been a more right-leaning film presumably EVE would have cast the plant aside and started drilling, in the hopes that it was some kind of mutant shrubbery that lived by sucking the nutrients out of oil fields.